Tuesday, June 27, 2006

when in france...


and we're meant to be long off and away

to france already.

like about over an hour ago.

but i swear, my boys here need more time getting ready,

than i do.

one or the other is in rotation of falling asleep,

and then the panic breaks that the day is almost done.

i give up. i honestly give up.

and if the bro doesn't find his way out of the shower

and the bathroom soon,

i'm seriously going to be worrying about him.

and remind me not to give them food.

as in "don't feed the animals"

because this mysterious sleep syndrome,

occurs relative to breakfast, lunch or dinner.

had an interesting interview for a position in pforzheim yesterday,

applied for the position of a buyer,

however they proposed two other positions

in which they could equally envision me in fulfilling.

i have to admit that the second position

caught my intrigue the most.

it would include much travel,

at least on pretty well a monthly basis.

monte carlo, hong kong, south africa, las vegas, copenhagen,

paris, and the list goes on.

and although in sales, more so a project management position.

with a great palette of already existing customers.

the third position just as intriguing,

and definitely more scope to grow and climb the corporate ladder,

however i know too little of the company,

nor this industry to possibly evaluate if that would be in my interest,

or intrigue as well.

initial role as the project manager for a start up subsidiary company,

leading the position of managing director

[if you manage the project just fine that is]

again, this was just the preliminary interview,

and that still doesn't mean a thing.

so like with most things in life,

i'm simply going to roll the dice, take the chances

and see what evolves.

really, it's all that one can do.

i'm not progressing as i'd like with my english resume,

and i really fear that i won't have it done in time

to apply for the one position in new york,

that most has my appeal and attraction at the moment.

and that one has a closing date of the 30th of june.

i'm not even sure what my objective is with this at the moment,

maybe not even so much getting myself to new york,

but simply stepping towards the dream,

the ambition

and yes, taking the chance. releasing the energy

and seeing what other energy this attracts.

it's all about the change in my life,

and at times, there's so much at once,

it leaves me bewildered with me,

and a bit dizzy at times.

frightening, but very very welcoming.

and it's something, i've so long wanted to do,

have even passed down previous opportunity,

maybe for the fear, the doubt, the uncertainty.

and that's simply the shadow in me i'm challenging these days.

however, the only change i am welcoming at this moment,

is simply his royal highness we call my brother,

to get himself out of the shower and moving downstairs

direction the car.

this is by no means, a case of sanity.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

i have learned...

i have learned not to worry about love;

but to honor its coming with all my heart.

- alice walker -

Saturday, June 24, 2006

silly silly me.

i can be such a geek at times.

but i needed photos for the resumes

and this is what became.

between blurred moments

and deep girl to girl conversations

which isn't always a good thing to have

when you're trying to take seriously sincere photos.

la di da di da.

yup. they did arrive.

the bro, steve, me, randy and cole

alright, i've been asked for the update again and again...

and yup, they did arrive. finally.

at about two in the morning,

which means that we were up, watching the sunrise

hearing the birds chirp until about six in the morning.

and nope, the brother didn't manage to get himself

into any trouble at all while in amsterdam.

just goes to show again, how gullible i can be at times.

but trust me, having grown up with him as my big brother

it never ever would have surprised me

and to be honest, i was rather expecting it as well.

on monday night, i did take the boys back out

to the ihringen wine fest where isabelle, steffi and i

were out on friday night before.

was absolutely fabulous

although cole and i were having the time of our lives

basically being babysitters for two grown men

and yes, the brother being the hardest work of them all.

what i was really looking forward to was seeing steve play again.

haven't seen a gig of his since maybe a good three years,

definitely my gallery days, as he used to come by

at least once a day or once a week

have a coffee or a glass of wine

or try to persuade me that i needed to go for dinner with him.

apologies, but one steve as a musician in my life

was definitely enough.

however, i do admit, dinner was nice

and even a boy from virginia can prove to be

an interesting companion for an evening.

it must also be added, that this is the best fiddler

i have ever ever seen,

and yes, an absolutely brilliant musician.

bringing in one cover better than the next,

but with his own personal style.

and he brought the house down on monday,

and had us on the dance floor to the point again,

my aching feet.

i think the photos say it all.

at least the "take the bloody photo already" smile on my face,

and please remember, this is me on about two hours of sleep.

and another evening of ungodly hours.

but the days with the boys have been good,

and i swear, they sleep and sleep and sleep

and did i mention that they sleep?

between the heart attacks i've encountered

with the bro behind the wheel on their rental,

to me having permanent possession of those keys now,

to i don't know how many bottles of wine they've emptied,

but also the help they've been.

priceless moments with the three of them sprawled on the floor

spending an entire night of watching fussball

and working on my rings doing the prep work,

or dietz taking lenny out for all the walks

or pruning all my trees and plants on the balcony

and creating little pieces of art with those babies.

to even offering that if i get the new wardrobes that i want,

he'll paint those and the bedroom for me too.

i just wish that it wasn't such the money issue

with getting those wardrobes at the moment.

but it'll be amazing enough if he can fix the antique buffet

i have patiently waiting to come back to life downstairs.

and between chauffering them around to watch the games,

so that they can simply enjoy the buzz and the drink,

to taking them to see a bit of this and this and that

and having a good busy week with my fleurs,

and also having the freak attack of losing my provider and server,

amongst all the other crazy that the week had brought.

the boys left for augsburg on friday,

as i sent them down to jim and his irish pub,

and then down to rottweil today to see some relatives,

and this evening and tomorrow is meant to be lake constance

where i was also meant to be tonight.

the cousin had a regatta, and was doing a vip party

in his company tent tonight.

i reckon i'll go visit him sometime next month

for a quiet weekend of sailing instead.

the plan today was to get much work done,

and bring a bit of order back into the house

before the boys get back, either sunday or monday.

instead, today had me on the couch all day,

something i'm not familiar with at all these days.

and this evening, simply over at patti's.

she was having a pool party

and with a blistering day of 34 degrees

the water sounded like a fine temptation.

her and i were just fine as things were,

just floating around and having good girl conversations,

until a few of the boys decided

that it was time to make a splash and wave.

but at least we got a great game of waterball happening.

i don't think i got out of the pool until around 10 pm

sat around, had a cup of coffee, and found my way home.

tomorrow i think i'll head back over there in the afternoon as well,

take a break from the fleurs i was meant to make today.

so yup, that's been these days in a nutshell.

they're here and nope, we haven't killed each other yet.

but damn, we've been close.

that of course said, with a smile on the face.

yay, steve reckons if lenny can wear the rings, so can he.


Sunday, June 18, 2006

they are on their way. oh me. oh my.

yes, still sunday. and yes, still making my attempts of working

and getting things done.

that said, as the second cup of coffee has just been poured.

and that said, after the brother has just called.

they aren't on their way to paris after all,

rather on their way down here.

and all i can really say is oh me. oh my.

i didn't get many of the details yet.

but i did get a tease on the story.

sounds like my brother has already been best at being himself.

all i know is there's a large fine for him to pay.

and i'm wondering if i will really get the full story,

the full account of their yesterday evening.

they were in amsterdam, so i guess i can connect the dots.

is it time to fret yet?

i guess that means, i should maybe drop the work i'm doing,

of emails and resumes [another long story in itself]

and get back with the house,

and carry on with fleurs until the moment arrives later.

because they are on their way.

oh me. oh my.

pablo neruda...

has always been one of my favourite poets.

and now, sunday morning

his words are finding his way to me again.

just wondering, where it is these words take me

and my thoughts.

somewhere far away, but i can keep it close.

"i don't love you as if you were a rose of salt,

topaz or arrow of carnations that propagate fire.

i love you as one loves certain dark things,

secretly, between the shadow and the soul."

"i love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

i love you straightforwardly,

without complexities or pride.

so i love you because i know no other way."

Saturday, June 17, 2006

two thirty seven in the morning...

it's two thirty seven in the morning,

at least as i start to write these words.

sunday morning that is.

and just back from elisabeth's birthday,

as she hit the big three zero.

feeling old i am, with thirty five?

nope. not yet. we'll let that moment happen later.


a sweet evening it was though,

just a small circle of friends and family,

up in the vineyards, in mike's garden by freiburg.

and elisabeth and i hadn't seen each other in much over a year.

and at first, she reckoned that this wasn't a birthday to celebrate,

as the past months have been hard months for the girl,

however, then deciding that at those times,

all the more you need to find the reasons to celebrate,

embrace the good things around you.

had a moment of "homesick" in the sense,

simply smelling the open fire,

and that always reminds me of the cabin back home.

the cabin, which mom just told me this week, has been sold.

i was glad they met their decision,

but sad knowing that the visits there,

will be no more.

my old swingset from childhood days was still there,

or just the memories of sitting around the fire,

out on the pier, watching and making wishes on shooting stars,

or falling in love and awe with the northern lights.

had already spent the day in freiburg with patti,

as i had been trying to get to freiburg all week,

primarily to ikea to get plaids, for whenever the brother

decides it's time to arrive.

he's in amsterdam now, however still unsure

to when exactly he'll find his way here.

he's now thinking of driving from there to paris,

as cole really wants to say "been there, done that, seen that."

however, paris is a city you can always tempt me with,

and it just might make more sense, for them to drive here,

and have us find our way to paris together.

even if just for a day, and an evening.

we'll have to see what the boys say tomorrow.

thinking of the work i need to do this week,

it might be better to let them do their thing, their way.

freiburg wasn't meant to be an all day adventure at all,

i had maybe about 4 hours of sleep in me,

many thanks to the ihringen weinfest from friday night.

however patti came by at nine to pick me up in the morning,

and first, a quick stop in the city to get me my starbucks

[which of course, is the closest i can get to my second cup coffee]

and then a quick stop at gaf gaf to see if the owner was there

but i'll never learn,

that going with patti means shopping with patti.

so on account of today, there's now a new belly ring,

two new pairs of earrings,

a pair of black pants

and a short sleeve - oh is that my decollete - black dress

which i think i'll only be wearing over the black pants,

or maybe a pair of jeans.

rather nice though, i have to admit.

and of course, sweeter than sweet champagne coloured lingerie.

oh, and two rings that i bought at gaf gaf,

as the owner wasn't there.

so i'll have to call her during the week,

and set up an appointment with her.

oh, and a necklace too.

i swear, in all honesty, this is the result

strictly and solely played upon under the influence of patti.

had lunch in the osteria,

kind of my own religion whenever i find myself in freiburg.

whether just for a coffee, or an evening with a glass of wine.

you can not go to freiburg, without going to the osteria.

that's just the way it is for me.

same table. same chair. each and everytime.

we finally made it to ikea by around two,

and the feet were definitely aching by then.

to be honest, i believe they were still aching when i woke up

or better said, got up in the morning.

i still wasn't even feeling awake by then.

isabelle had sent me text messages already,

simply saying "oh my feet!!!"

will the day ever come, that either of us will ever learn

to wear practical shoes, rather than "oh but i like" shoes?

prolly not.

ikea was simply getting the plaids, enough for the boys,

and some for the couch as well.

a few vases to use for display purposes for my fleurs,

and a clothing rack... the retail store kind of rack.

have decided, definitely a need for the upcoming projects.

finally home and a cup of coffee, with the contemplation

if i'm really capable of starting work.

between fleurs that need to be made,

emails that need to be written,

and a desk that actually had the promise of looking caught up,

i decided a nap might just be the better contemplation.

and simply a day off.

with nothing of the likes. and nothing of the sort.

i can't even recall the last time,

i've given myself and entire day off. of nothing.

however, the short nap became a rather long nap.

and aside from the coffee i was drinking tonight,

very possibly why i'm ever so wide awake

as now the clock stricks three am in the morning.

i guess the only bit of work today,

was simply deciding with elisabeth,

that yes, she'll do the designer's market in ludwigshafen this week,

if i come up for the saturday or sunday as well.

i reckon i'll do the saturday, which is from eleven in the morning

until eleven in the evening,

and that will at least give her a day off

between the friday and the sunday.

markets can be grueling,

and i know something i should be doing more of myself,

but today's decesion was that as elisabeth does them all anyhow,

she might as well just take the fleurs and the shirts with her,

and whenever i can step in, swing in to cover a day,

or even just a shift,

we'll be good as gold.

our designs work well together,

so not really sure why we haven't thought of this earlier.

although we have done events together in gallery days,

or at her atelier as well.

i guess, everything simply takes it's moment.

but i'm already so far behind on fleurs,

and now to make a batch for her by thursday,

so she can have them there already for friday,

meaning i'll have to find my way to freiburg once again this week.

oh, and friday. how can i forget friday.

ihringen. wine. three girls called angela, steffi and isabelle.

there you go.

steffi is the bride who's wedding i photographed a few weeks ago.

i had only met her approxiamately a week before the wedding.

as she was referred rather last minute.

and officially, a wedding photographer i am not.

thought she was rather sweet,

someone i could definitely enjoy getting to know.

and yes, sometimes you just meet people along the way,

and you know there's a chemistry or a connection.

and steffi was one of those.

the day of the wedding, i went to the salon to photograph

or better say, document the day from the very start.

of course, isabelle was her stylist as well.

so during part of the conversations,

i mention to isabelle, that i'd love to see steve bailey play again.

hadn't seen him for at least three years now,

and simply feel like having a great music night out again.

steffi bolts out, that she knows him as well,

and he'll be playing at the ihringen weinfest on the monday.

and here she was, the bride to be in about three hours time,

and she's pulling out her calender saying we'll go together,

on the friday.

steve won't be playing, but the friday night is always a good night.

and that was that. the three of us. yup. ihringen.

so friday we headed out, met at steffi's shortly after seven pm,

still undecided who was driving,

and who will get to take care of the rest of the girls.

i decided that with me heading out to freiburg in the morning,

and with the brother showing up possibly any day,

it might be better if i be the driver.

we took steffi's car and decided to leave the last word for later.

we get there, and really, just a picture perfect little german village.

and masses and masses of people, already out on the streets.

first stop is champagne of course,

and getting some cheese and grapes with that as well,

simply because we all came to the conclusion,

that none of us had eaten yet. all day.

and that lead us to the next destination,

getting ourselves a glass of white wine,

grauer burgunder to be exact.

considering i had personally decided to drive,

we were off to a great start.

and that also lead to the next decision,

that we really needed food. then and there.

steffi had grown up in this area, so she knew what was best were.

took us to the sweetest little courtyard,

where one of the most renowned chefs in the area,

does the food each year for in this courtyard.

apparently, you usually don't have a good chance of getting a table

but fate was on our side.

and then when i heard isabelle ordering a bottle of wine

instead of just a glass,

i just kind of buried my hands in my head and thought,

whatever shall be shall be.

white wine again, but this time the weisser burgunder.

it was still early in the evening,

and no, we weren't filling our glasses full.

but something says, it doesn't matter how full the glass is,

rather how often that glass isn't really empty?

dinner left us feeling fine,

and yes, the wine left us feeling fine too.

and off, back to the streets and the fest we were.

we'd walk into this courtyard, that courtyard,

and then steffi already had the next bottle of wine.

basically, the time that i decided i'll be getting water instead.

and i reckon,

this was about the time, that the three of us had all decided,

the feet were already in much much pain.

it didn't really stop us much from dancing,

nor from walking.

but we did grab any moment or chance we found to sit down.

and that in itself, was enough of a problem as well.

just in finding a place to sit down.

fast forward five hours later, i'm not sure how many bottles later,

i did order the third bottle, staying with the weisser burgunder,

however just having a small glass of that for myself.

and the girls definitely had at least a bottle thereafter,

and never mind the glasses that kept finding their way before us

as we hit the last courtyard of the night.

and me, i believe there were about 3 bottles of water as well.

we closed down the last courtyard,

and the evening was simply good.

it must have been about three as we finally headed back to the car,

i was definitely fine to drive by then,

and although the girls had a bit of a sway in their step,

they were definitely a lot better off than most that we passed,

walking back.

and then at steffi's, us in for another cup of coffee,

just to finish the evening.

isabelle was going to stay there for the night

and i decided to find my way home.

patti was going to be coming by just a few short hours later.

and yup. that's been the weekend so far.

it's now three thirty three.

and i'm still awake.

sunday will be a bit more sleep i hope,

but really about taking care of work.

small bits and pieces around the home

before the brother eventually gets here. whenever.

monday? tuesday? wednesday?

and then the fleurs. i must make the fleurs tomorrow.

and it feels alright like that.

especially after a day like today,

i feel good again. and new again.

yet another reminder to the self.

there must always be time to play.

and contrary to the past weeks,

it had been a long while, since i had reminded myself of that.

[simply blurred photographs. and not a blurred state of mind.]

Sunday, June 11, 2006

letting go. of perspective.

sunday, and reflecting back on a week. and a weekend.

there's been a bit of a blur of this, a blur of that.

days feel like they are weaving and entwining themselves.

and what frightens me almost most,

is to think that this time next week,

my brother will already be here.

please read that i am so not not ready for this.

the house, my work, my life.

yes, looking forward to the big brother

and very much looking forward to cole, my nephew.

they're bringing a friend along,

and i haven't a clue who he is...

however, i reckon i'll let the boys do their thing,

and simply hope that i have enough time as well,

just for myself and cole.

he'll be turning sixteen while he's here.

that means in germany,

i'll be able to take the boy out for a beer.

haven't yet decided if that makes me a good aunt,

or not?

unofficially, the weekend i believe really started on thursday.

at least that was the last bit of "work" i officially did.

and to be honest, having a lesser bit of guilt with that,

than i normally would.

backtrack story

to thursday night, or better said, friday early morning.

and me in bed, trying to sleep and simply not finding the sleep i want.

a text message comes in, and it's quarter to one in the morning.

wondering if it's petra, still in denmark?

or maybe someone else, far enough away.

but it's isabelle and to be honest, that left me a bit worried.

she was still on holidays in italy, so i thought.

and it's not the usual hour to hear from isabelle.

but then i read...

Sweetie, are you still up? If you're already sleeping, please call me first thing in the morning. It's IMPORTANT!!! And make no plans for Sunday. Loves You, Isabelle

maybe it was the hour of the night, but my mind went on a spin.

i wrote back saying yes, i'm still awake, and if i should call her... now.

but she beat me to it, i don't even think i had hit send,

and the phone was already ringing.

hearing her voice, i knew that things were good,

however rather surprised to hear that she was already home.

she said that she was too restless during the holiday,

decided to leave early.

and simply felt as though she needed to be home again.

she had just gotten in, was going thru her post

and had a letter from the quiz show, to which was her brilliant brainstorm,

back in january or february i believe.

however note, that i do say brilliant with a touch of irony.

and yes, i'll always be one to go with the spontaneously crazy ideas.

we had of course forgotten in the meanwhile,

possibly yes, letting go of an insane idea.

and then she opens her mail, and reads that we're to be in böblingen

for the casting on sunday, the eleventh of june.

not sure if i woke up the house, but yes, there was a bit of a shriek,

and an oh my god and a few other choice words that spilled into the room.

isabelle kept saying, she knew there was a reason she came home earlier.

had she not came back until saturday night,

she prolly wouldn't have opened the post, until sunday morning coffee.

and of course, that would have been much much too late.

needless to say, that had me back to wide awake,

and sleep even all the further.

i needed to be up early and get some work done

before heading out the door. meeting at nine, and another at one thirty.

and days with meetings out and about, usually leave me

behind on all other things we like to call work.

not sure how, but early morning came easy

and out for a walk with the pup.

took the phone with me, with intentions of writing isabelle,

just to check the facts and really, that it wasn't a bluff.

and found other sweet messages, putting a smile on the face.

always a good way to start the day.

managed to get myself out the door, even if just a bit late,

and didn't find my way home again, until i was almost ready

to head out again.

quick calls with isabelle and decision met, we needed a coffee

and a quick meeting to discuss sunday morning.

headed out there around four in the afternoon,

coffee was ready, and a little garden party too.

no idea what we meant to discuss,

other than the girly girl things of what to wear.

back home by seven, and all good intentions of getting myself back to work,

however that quickly passed as well.

took pup out for a quick walk,

only to come back and find patti waiting at the door,

claiming it's friday, and she refuses to let me work

and she's taking me out to the party at the riding stalls.

which the handball team does each year, however this year's exception

was the excuse of the world cup.

explanation, that's the riding stalls is prolly the only thing

that this sleepy town is known for. that and of course,

the handball team, and their parties.

meissenheim population of 3600.

however, home of the horse riding and handball.

and during this weekend, the population basically triples itself.

with the folk coming from hamburg and munich and berlin

and all places in between.

also needless to say, in all the years i've lived here,

a party that i've always managed to avoid?

i don't think patti was giving me much choice in the matter,

and looking at the clock, i reckoned i might as well.

however, a few cuba libre's later,

and fast forward to the wee hours of the morning again,

i left patti and the other girls where they were

and found my way home.

a brilliant night and yes, again,

meeting up with folk that i just haven't seen in too long.

saturday left me a bit tired.

attempts at doing something with the state of the house,

getting ready for the big bro & co.,

and a much needed sleep in the middle of the afternoon.

regine came by for a walk and a talk

so i took her and pup out to my favourite little spot in the woods.

kind of a secret spot, where thoughts are always clear,

and yes, conversation always good.

home by seven and again, the thought that maybe work should be done,

especially after the week i had.

however, the week i had also seemed to justify,

that maybe it was just fine, to let it be. and let it go.

i had the house for myself, something i very much enjoy these days.

cooked myself a lovely dinner, checked the tele

and decided nothing worth the watching.

i don't even recall the last time i had an evening of couch and lazy.

flipped thru the dvd's and decided watching sideways would be just right.

later a midnight walk with pup

and setting the alarm clock for ungodly hours of a sunday morning

which i believe meant five am.

full moon and sleep wasn't really happening.

and there were thoughts that took me elsewhere.

or simply let the mind wander. sweetly.

morning came easy. and maybe felt like the promise of a good day.

blue skies. soft summer breeze thru the window.

and a pup trying to snuggle beside me.

got myself out the door by six, and isabelle had coffee waiting.

we decided to get to böblingen early and left by seven.

stop for a coffee on the way, and then simply not stress,

and have yet another, once we get there.

and it was strange, because i can't really say i was nervous,

and i believe, it was actually isabelle that showed a bit of the syndrome?

we were all called in, a total of twenty-three teams,

as this show is done with partners, in sets of two.

they explained that we were to individually answer 25 questions,

and unlike the show itself, each must answer for themselves.

i honestly had an "oh shite" moment, as i'd be needing isabelle

helping me out with things like german literature,

and german politic or history to a degree.

and then decided, it's always my instinct

i usually best rely on, and no other choice remaining,

other to guess on what i really didn't have the slightest clue over.

the speed of the questions was fast,

and at times, you really weren't able to think.

almost felt like high school final exams,

of multiple choice, and the eagle eye watching,

so that you really didn't cheat.

a few of the questions threw me off,

i can't say it was the german, however definitely the speed,

and then thinking, uhm, what was brazil again, A, B, C or D?

so i simply wrote the answer on the side,

instead of marking my x.

when that was over, and we were all sent out of the room,

isabelle and i compared a few answers. at times i thought relief.

and at times i thought ooops.

we were called back in and told that the totals of the team were added,

and only a few would actually make it to the video casting.

which of course, still doesn't mean, that you make it to the show.

the video tapings would be reviewed again by the editors at the production company.

he started calling names, and there weren't many.

as he passed by most of the quiz sheets,

i really reckoned our chance was done.

it mattered. and it didn't.

i think that today was simply about having fun,

doing something that you don't do every other day,

and yet another adventure in a thing we call friendship.

of course, in all politeness, all would clap

when a team's name was called.

but you could tell, that most were saying a silent prayer,

of please let my name be called as well.

and then we heard it.

our names. angela and isabelle.

i let out a shriek i believe, isabelle too.

a hug and a kiss and a shriek again.

i think we were the only ones that even let out the slightest of an emotion?

and it felt real, and it felt good at that moment.

as isabelle later said, it felt just the way it was meant to have felt.

out of the twenty three teams, only six teams progressed to the video casting.

i did feel bad for those that left the room,

you could see it written on their faces, that many hopes were shattered.

we were given another form and questionaire to fill out,

given a briefing again, hen told to leave the room and be called in,

team by team.

we were watching the time, and most teams seemed to be in casting

for five to ten minutes.

we were second last to be called in

however i believe that according to the watch,

we were about fifteen minutes of casting, if not more.

it was mostly dialogue between us and them.

questions on how you met, what the relation is,

they asked about omondieu! as well

and other things that i can't really recall at the moment.

it is hard to say if we will be chosen.

i really honestly don't know what my inner voice is saying.

but in a sense, it doesn't matter.

because simply the day in itself,

and even though it doesn't count, or it doesn't claim a prize,

simply making it into that small, select round,

was already a success in itself.

and yes, simply having fun, the girls out and about,

and in a sense, letting go.

not setting the expectation, and simply being ourselves.

that's the one thing that i told isabelle in the car.

i don't want us thinking about the money, or thinking about the next round.

i simply want us to go there, and be ourselves.

the rest of our lives isn't going to shatter upon this day.

i'm not sure if that makes sense here,

but we both understood. and that was all that mattered.

after the casting, we walked over to a café by the lake,

a gorgeously perfect summer day.

celebrated the sunday with a glass of champagne,

and decided to share a salad.

had an espresso, and then another

and found our way home.

listening to tunes quite loud in the car

[and isabelle hates it when i play with the volume on the stereo]

she started getting annoyed about the dutch driver that couldn't decide,

whether he was going to pass or hit the brakes.

she finally managed to pass him, uttering a bit of aggrevation under her breath.

i took a look and said, isabelle, chill.

one glance and i thought, definitely an isabelle candidate.

he's a sweetie. take a look. you'll like him.

and excuse me, what was a dutch man doing on the autobahn,

just as the dutch team was playing their first game in the world cup?

i was just playful and silly

and reckoned isabelle needed to get back to playful and silly too.

god, it's been so long since i've had those moments.

i started doing the backseat driver thing.

"isabelle, get back into the right lane, and slow down. let him pass you.

and look at the guy. i'll grab the steering wheel just in case you look too long."

she looked. she melted.

he verved into the right lane as well, right before us.

"isabelle, get back into the left lane, and pass him. smile and i'll grab the wheel."

she just kind of looked at me and asked,

"ang, who the hell are you? do i know you?"

and i simply asked her to trust me.

to be honest, i was questioning my own sanity.

but yes, these are the things you do for friends.

we kept the game going quite nicely, and mr. dutch was playing as well.

i leaned back to get a piece of paper,

was going to write down, "next rest area... coffee"

and let her hold that in the window as he passed again.

because yes, he was looking and smiling each and everytime.

but i believe, that's when isabelle kind of screamed,

"don't you even dare think about it. don't even even dare."

and we had to exit soon too.

he passed us once more. saw that we were taking the exit.

a last smile, a last wave and us off the autobahn.

at the lights, isabelle just said,

"why didn't i keep driving?"

and we had a girl with a smile from ear to ear.

confession from her, that she had fun with that.

and would never have had the courage on her own.

i told her it was on her own. i just gave her the nudge and the poke.

and reminded her, to change the perspective.

wasn't this the guy she was just cursing before?

so the rest of the drive back home,

a grinning girl beside me, and one questioning,

where that nudging and poking angi came from.

i reckon, it was simply today. and yes, letting go.

today, i just felt like it was time to let go.

let wishes and dreams and hopes unfold themselves.

taking fears and placing them aside,

saying, whatever will be will be.

anyhow. that's pretty well a novel.

and regine has called, and needs a talk [again].

so i reckon, work will be tomorrow

and definitely not this weekend.

and off to the bistro for a coffee [again] i am.

and whether we make it to the show?

yes. no. maybe i don't know.

but at the moment, today was just perfect the way it was.

[photograph... simply one of my favourites, of isabelle.]

to live in this world...

"to live in this world,

you must be able to do three things.

to love what is mortal,

to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it,

and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go"

- mary oliver -

somedays, we are simply reminded, that things,

are all the easier, when we simply learn

to let go.

that doesn't mean to dismiss,

rather to simply release, face things with ease,

like little hopes and wishes, maybe even fears

and let them simply blow into the breeze.

and reading those sweet words again,

it's also about the love of our own mortal souls,

and learning to hold ourselves against our own bones

preciously tight. because really, that is at times all we have.

something beautiful, and something true.

and yes, sometimes simply let ourselves go.

let it go.

and just believe.

[a photograph from The Train Station Sessions]

[and a quote from one of my favourite poets,

simply to remind the self...]

Monday, June 05, 2006

time again.

it's been a while. writing these days hasn't been much.

things feel like they are changing. and in the same motion

standing still.

the past weeks?

been to dublin and had a wickedly lovely time.

with lots of stories to tell.

simple stories, those that put a smile on your face

upon looking back.

and never a dull moment when petra and i are out and about.

the following weekend, slipped away to basel.

just for the saturday evening, and sunday morning.

a quiet lovely weekend. sitting outside with brigitte,

wrapped up in blankies, talking until the wee wee hours of the morning.

this weekend.

has been a bit of work. a bit of play.

but nothing that i really had on the agenda.

hence, also being a holiday here in germany today as well.

friday night out for drinks with kim.

rather dangerously sweet when out with her.

too easy to be persuaded to order the next glass of wine.

however the talks, the laughs, the giggles, the gab

is always much too good with her.

nights with kim are always late.

and we actually tried to meet early on friday evening,

as not to let it become a late turn early morning again.

however the plan doesn't always work.

ended up running over to petra's as well around midnight,

as she was on her way to denmark for two weeks.

grabbed a quick coffee there,

talks and a cigarette until cathrin came to pick her up.

god, can't even tell you how i wanted to get myself in the car

and join them on the road trip.

the invitation was there and i was meant to go along,

however with the big bro coming in a couple of weeks

there really wasn't a chance.

saturday morning was a meeting at 11am

to discuss a wedding i'm to photograph in august.

i haven't gotten the assignment yet

but i do believe chances look good.

was nice just to get out, sit at the café

and sweeter when you run into friends

you haven't seen in a long long while.

back home, and took the long scenic drive back.

listening to kubb again and again.

i do believe it's a brilliant cd,

however other than track four,

and obsessive hit the repeat button,

there's not much i've really listened to other than "wicked soul"

i do believe, i've listened to track five once,

brilliant as well.

however it's that one song, that simply strikes a chord

and possibly every nerve at the moment.

finished off the photographs from steffi's wedding,

and was to be at her place for eight pm.

reckoned a coffee, view the photographs together,

and then leave them with her.

i had only met her the week before the wedding,

however, every now and then you meet people, yes, strangers,

and you know that there's a bond, or a chemistry.

i do believe that's a bit of what was between steffi and i.

fact confirmed when saturday night...

the assumed "hour" became a three thirty in the morning session.

a bottle of champagne later,

and a few cups of coffee to put me on my way.

a lovely sleep in on sunday,

and a bit of laziness. coffee in the afternoon with gwen,

getting the house all presentable as the new tentant was coming by

later in the evening.

decided it was time to work on a few photographs,

something that is needed for an interview coming up.

it's been so long since i've attempted "self portraits"

however with petra away, isabelle too,

there really wasn't anyone i could ask to help.

and andreas has often told me that he'd like to do a portrait session,

however i'll yet wait a spell with that.

so silly ideas, and taking the mirror off the wall,

driving out to my secret little spot,

out by the stream and the orchard trees.

they didn't turn out as i had hoped.

i suppose there are always issues,

with photographs of the self.

but these could very well,

be the last

of the photographs taken with an old and dear friend.

my nikon.

a new camera is on it's way. soon.

hello. and how are you and your beautiful life?