Monday, November 19, 2007
from a holiday. far away from home.
i'm on st. john at the moment.
and as i write,
a view from my room upon cruz bay.
only hearing the tree frogs. soft lulls of the sea.
stars above me.
and a glass or two or three of wine.
saying good night.
will tell more. later.
show more later.
and until then,
blows a kiss and a sweet dream your way.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
and hanne. i'll write you back tomorrow as well.
i was there. and thinking of someone.
i always go there. to the trocadero.
sit on the steps. gaze amongst the people.
all these strangers.
and then this most amazing formation of structure.
and last year,
it was at that very spot that someone put a smile on my heart.
in an unknown and innocent way.
maybe something that really shouldn't matter anymore,
but it does. to me.
just before susi took this photo,
i sat on my steps where i always sit
and where i sat last summer.
wrote a message
sending my thoughts and my heart
along the way.
and as strange as it was,
i felt that i didn't have to send it far.
we went walking along the seine.
it was a most beautiful october autumn day.
carrying fresh daisies, letting our feet brush thru the leaves
and feel the wind and breeze pull and tease the hair.
we slowly found our way back to the hotel,
getting ready to say good bye to paris.
we stayed at the Hotel Thérèse this time,
but simply because Hotel Le Walt was fully booked. oh sigh.
hoping maybe next time. i made myself a promise of one day.
then slowly finding our way to the train station. back home again.
i did walk the streets of paris,
feeling, sensing that he could be on any given corner.
sunday a message came.
and he was there.
all it really said was
"are you still in paris?
i was at the notre dame when your message came"
same time. same city.
just a different corner.
and an indifferent heart.
i really don't know where to start.
things have been a whirlwind and standing still.
all in the same breath.
there are times that i try to reflect back on the past year and then some.
to be honest,
i'm having a hard time believing that it's november.
again. and already.
i went into town today.
dropped off the first little pieces of my new collection.
i believe i'll simply be calling it "the angel collection"
i have the sketches and the ideas in my mind,
they've been there for a long long while.
literally having seen these angels
and all the things they want to be for so long now.
and its just slowly coming together.
before i dropped the rings and earrings off to the store,
i took a few photos. preliminary photos.
i'll have to work on them once i'm back from my holidays
and once i finally get my computer back up and running.
i can't tell you the mess that is.
my computer, all my files, all my work and photographs
of the past few years are in stuttgart.
and i feel as though i'm absolutely lamed.
after klaus passed away,
i had someone go thru all his client files and domains.
i was reassured that everything was alright
including my domain.
unfortunately, that wasn't the case.
i've lost my emails. i've lost my websites.
and i don't want to think of the domino effect.
so trying to take care of that,
get everything back in my name
up and running
it still feels like i have to start from the beginning.
and to be honest,
i don't know where to start.
oh it's a long story. maybe better left unsaid at the moment.
but i'll get it figured out. find help along the way.
and one never knows. but maybe its the start
of something bigger. better.
the ideas and the inspirations are definitely in my mind.
after dropping off the flowers, running a few errands,
i headed out to the office.
just wanted to quietly get some work done
and ease the knot in my tummy about going away on holidays
there are so many deadlines at the moment,
things that need to be done.
but i haven't had holidays since i can't remember when.
just the occassional day off here and there
but those days being taken off to take care of things.
can't really be considered "days off" in the least.
and as much as it feels like the wrong time,
i need this time.
there have been a lot of things that have been leaving me uptight these days.
its all been a transition. a metamorphis.
and i think what i really have to learn,
is to accept all of this. all that has happened. and all that hasn't.
and to give myself the permission
simply to be myself.
its okay to have fallen down. and stand back up again.
to feel. to want. to need. to give.
and also to learn to take.
i didn't get home until shortly after eight pm.
made myself a bite to eat.
cheese and grapes and melon with serrano,
fresh bread and a glass of wine.
sometimes the most simple things
are the most glorious things.
got a fire started, lit the candles,
the little rituals i have.
but i missed not buying my roses today.
always one of my favourite things to do.
sometimes on wednesdays. always on saturdays.
but i still have a few from earlier on this week.
and the orchids that susanne brought back from thailand
will share the next few days with me as well.
i can't believe how long they've lasted.
i'm going to write the one or other note here.
and then i believe i'll pour myself another glass of wine
and maybe write a letter that i've been writing on my heart.
and between the lines of thought.
whether this letter is heard or read or felt.
that's the other question i leave myself with.
but its all a part of this growing, this learning
and then i'll find my way to bed,
promise myself sweet dreams
and a new day.
Friday, November 09, 2007
thought of the day...
"to achieve the marvelous,
you must do the unthinkable...,
the answer will hit, like a big psychic orgasm,
and if you listen to your dreams.
they never lie."
e. jean carroll
Thursday, November 08, 2007
it's me again.
and i don't think of how much time has passed.
since i took the time to write. to find words.
or even just really say hello
to the self.
here. with words. thoughts.
and share them with friends.
and i can't say how many times i have wanted to write
just to hold on, capture, reminisce on little moments
or simply ponderings
along the way.
there are days i feel as though language has been lost.
and there are days i feel as though a new language is being spoken.
a hopeful language. playful in her way. learning.
at times stumbling. searching for words as well.
and i almost feel as though i'm searching for words right now.
so i'll just leave this with a whisper,
just to say that things are fine.
and even in my silence
thinking of you. and missing you.