finding. keeping. and sometimes losing. the heart.

reflections of passing by trains. places and faces.

after a long day. a good day. a friday. in frankfurt.

sunday. and after contemplations with the self

decided not to go back to frankfurt and the tendence today.

rather to take and enjoy the day for myself.

get things done at home.

making sketches of ideas. evoking and provoking new ideas.

drawing maps and plans. of where i want to go

and what i want to become.

and i wrote a letter. simply ramblings.

of things i felt i need to share. want to share.

laundry is in the machine. i'm about to put a package together.

and get the fleurs and a few shirts together for that sweet shop

here in baden-baden.

then maybe sort thru a few more files. or take a sunday nap.

i'm just going to let it happen today. become.


the tendence was inspiring. again.

it's almost overwhelming. the colours. the designs.

everything.

it might have been good to go back again today.

take a bit more time to see things again,

with a second glance. a different perspective.


i have all these ideas swimming in my mind right now.

new ideas. still on the same parallels

as what omondieu! has been so far.

but different. in its own sense.

i'm just hoping i can find the materials i need

and the materials i see. that what i am envisioning.

or sketching on these blank pieces of paper.

and then of course,

i hope to find the time.


yesterday i spent the day on my own. in freiburg.

again it was relaxing time. winding down time.

walks. cafés. reflections of the other sort.

i went to the one store that i so truely adore.

i wanted to speak to the owner, but she wasn't in.

also revelled in yet another flea market.

and found the one and other gem again.

cameos. again.

the matching ring to the cameo found last week.

and then yet another cameo, on a velvet band.

similiar to the idea and the necklace

that i'm working on myself these days. sans cameo.

but that's my secret. spoken between these lines.


and i also found my little deer.

have been looking for just the right ones. for a while now.

glorious kitsch. i know. i confess.

but yesterday. there they were. and i knew they were the ones.

i wish it were like this with all things in life.

the simplicity of that. of finding. of having. and appreciating.

sometimes, it doesn't always feel that easy.

and the more the heart beats for something

the further away is seems. at times.


i still didn't find the postcards or the photos

i was hoping to stumble upon.

but those will come with time. again. as well.


now it's time to get back to my sunday mullings.

of doing this and this and that.


and you know what?

i can't believe that august is almost already at her end.

i almost feel as though i don't want her to go.

not just yet.

saturday's fleamarket treasures.

cameo stories. again. of rings and velvet necklaces.

photo found at a flea market before. once upon a time ago.

oh my dear deer.

undressings.

- undressings -

she wore gowns. of velvet. and red.

the way she wanted to wear his mouth.

on her hip.

photo taken once upon a time ago. in strasbourg.

words written once upon a time ago. in the heart.

i'm tired. but i think it's the good kind of tired.

i just need a chance to sit down, slow down,

catch my breath. and even if just for a moment.

and then to simply dance forward again,

with new energy, new wind, and new inspirations.


and although back and forth at the printers today,

watching the catalogue unfold, page by page,

i allowed myself a bit of that time and space.


you know,

sometimes i think it's good to simply say thank you.

to the self.

and to the little things and the big things that make a day.

complete.


what was today about? what made me smile?


seeing someone that means the world to me

even if only just to spend an intimate fraction of time together.

and just reading back in my blog,

passing thru memories,

i realised, it's been a year to the day

that i first ever saw him. met him.

and maybe even if only on a one way street,

he's been a constant companion, in heart and thought,

the whole way through

this year of change. transition. formation.

stumbling and falling and getting back up again.


another smile was going for a coffee

simply with the self.

just taking the time to do so. finding the time to do so.

alone.

something i've neglected the past while.


so when i left the printers [again], i just drove into town.

there's a most beautiful flower shop that i've often seen

even before moving here to baden-baden.

i've always had the intent of stepping in, taking a look.

but the rare and few occassions i make it into town,

the shop is usually closed.

so i did that today. and i'm glad i did.

the owner and i started talking,

and then i suddenly saw my fleurs in her store. envisioned them,

like an inspiring moment.

i mentioned that and found her curious, interested.

she told me to call her

and we can make an appointment for next week,

in the evening when the shop is closed and i'm "home" from work.

she'd love to take a look at the collections.

and stepping through the door on the way out, i found myself smiling. again.


i walked down to garibaldi's and sat down to grab that cup of coffee.

pulled out my book, my pen

and simply wrote

words.

and feelings. and thoughts.

sometimes i think that writing this down

is like engraving it in stone.

you make it real. you make it forever.

and just like writing this,

about the good things. you make it all the more true.


when i came home,

i started to put a few fleurs together

scattered on the living room floor.

and i spoke with petra on the phone. i miss her these days.

i miss our coffees and time and talks together.

i miss her and the girls just not being down the road.

it's in that sense, that this city just hasn't yet become home.

hard to explain. or to articulate those thoughts.


back to the printers again later in the evening,

to say yes and give the go ahead to the title and cover pages.

i think i took a deep breath at that moment

and made a wish saying...

be good to me. be good.


and home again to find more words,

these words.

and simply hold the things that make me smile

make me feel good.

and make me say thank you.

for days like today.

it's late. and it's raining outside.

and it's a beautiful sound to say good night to.

treasures of a day.

the cameo. a treasure of the day.

dahlias. the most beautiful dahlias.

lush. playful. and temptingly innocent.

the pillow. i couldn't resist.
"schau mich bitte nicht so an"
sweet sweet sweet.
please don't look at me like that...

from patti.

one of the two angels hanging from my window,

swinging on the finest organza.

lavender. i forgot that i finally got my lavender.
yesterday.


the cameo. my precious cameo.

champagne coloured pearls. paint chapped.

perfect imperfections.

those are the most beautiful things.

eclipse. reclipse.

reflecting of saturday. on sunday.

yesterday was spent with patti.

we weren't really sure what we were going to do with our day.

we contemplated freiburg.

or maybe going walking - thru hills and valleys.

or maybe simply going to strasbourg

or why did paris have to feel so far away for a saturday afternoon?


so instead, we just decided to go into lahr,

and then see where and how the day carries us.

as we were driving in,

i made a wish to her, saying i would want a flea market to be

a part of the day.

i need more old postcards. and old photos.

like secrets told from a stranger's past.

and you can close your eyes, and almost hear them

as whispers.

or sometimes, i almost see it as a promise,

to keep those secrets alive,

and never let their moments be forgotten.

we stopped off at isabelle's first

just to say hello.

and then the wish was granted

flea market. right there. before us.

i didn't find my old postcards nor my old photos

but instead, other treasures were found.

and it's those little things, the unexpected things,

that put the biggest smile on the face.

flowers from the market.

an old pillow, embroidered by hand.

i so had to laugh when i read the words stitched,

and it was love at first sight.

yes, those things happen with me. with the strangest of things.

like pillows. tea cups. and tea pots. candlesticks.

and i think the most precious things i have

are like these little treasures found.

for a penny non the less. figuratively speaking.

we wandered around a bit more.

the next little gem being a necklace.

champagne coloured pearls, old and paint chapped.

i reckon it's maybe from the sixties.

put an image in my mind of a lady that might have worn it.

she had brown hair, audrey hepburn style hair.

wearing a black dress. prim. proper.

feminine. and with her pearls.

and i think she looked like my mother.

i held it in my hand, then wrapped it around my neck.

one euro. how could i say no.

the other thing that i was looking for,

and patti knew as well,

is an old rosary. to drape around the corner of my bed.

i'm not catholic. i rarely go to church.

but belief, faith, spirit, hope, prayer

are important and intimate things to me.


patti had already wandered a bit further,

and found the one or other rosary.

she showed them to me, but they just weren't right.

i know what it's too look like. because i've already seen it in my mind.

and i know i'll find it. or it'll find me.

i truely believe, these things seek you. find you.

and sometimes, maybe, even speak to you.


but then i found her. the cameo.

she was small. fragile. almost hidden.

but again, she was familiar. as though i had met her before.

and did i fall in love again?

yes.

it's hard to say how old she is. and i do wonder about her stories.

but strangely, as i found her, or as i wear her and touch her,

it's mom that comes to mind.

[by the way. happy happy birthday my lovely one!]


after that, we decided to go to offenburg.

quickly walked thru the farmer's market

and although i had already bought my roses for the week,

found the most beautiful dahlias i think i've ever seen.

a bouquet for patti. a bouquet for me.

that's the way it was meant to be.


offenburg.

just wandered the streets.

shopping is definitely something that should be forbidden at the moment,

but as we were heading off to get a coffee at schoellmann's

[not really my favourite place, but it has the most beautiful view of the rhein valley,

of the wineyards and hills and rooftops]

we stopped at h&m to take a peek.

the result?

a black trench coat because we're in the midst of august

and i really really need one.

can we tell i'm trying to convince myself?

seriously, it's exactly what i had hoped for. and wanted.

and with my beret that i brought back from dublin

it's absolutely perfect.

then a black turtleneck because i can never ever have enough.

i had hoped to find a pair of marlene dietrich styled pants.

and of course, in black.

as isabelle and patti know, that's been my mission for weeks upon weeks.

i'm usually found wearing dresses - winter, spring, summer or fall

but the right pair of pants, a turtleneck or a fitted blouse.

and of course a trench coat...

voilá!

but it wasn't to be had at h&m.

so we did finally grab coffee. enjoyed a bite to eat.

i just kept looking to the wineyards and hills and dreamt a little dream

and couldn't help but just think of how perfect and how simple

that very moment could be.

but that's always the way it is. the simple things. the little things.

and i kept touching my cameo. and smile.

we decided to wander thru a few more stores and then

slowly find our way home.

and just as things might have it. in the last store,

and the most unexpected store,

there were my marlene dietrich pants. in black.

now this might sound like - as they say in german - a real tussie.

but i'm not. honest. truely. smiles and grins at herself.

i like the unusual. elegant. at times eccentric.

i like playful. i like classical.

i prefer the black and white.

vintage. modern. and blended together.

what my style statement might be, i can't really say.

tamara could probably say it, call it best.

but when i say, that there's rarely a piece in my wardrobe

that costs more than twenty euro

no one ever believes me.

that too, are things that make me smile.

[inherited from my mommy dear]

i find these deals and steals. or they find me.

but it's like the beret for an euro.

or a hundred year old bed for ten euro

and in the same breath

and without the wink of an eye,

i'll buy a coffee cup, handmade and of porcellaine,

for more than a dress has ever cost.

that's just me. of all the contradictions and all.


we did finally find our way home.

another cup of coffee at patti's. and then the angel she herself is,

a facial as well.

i adore you for that my dear.

but it's all the other little things i adore you for.

mostly just for being you.


left patti's and met with isabelle at the arena.

just a quick coffee. a quick talk. just finding a bit of time together.

and then i found myself coming home.

at first i thought i was still going to make it back out to freiburg

and to see elisabeth.

but the day left me tired.

it was the winding down after weeks of good,

however, long days and long nights at work.

it was taking time for the self again.

and for the first time in a long time,

it felt good to be alone.

just to reflect. just to think. just to take a deep deep breathe.

a glass of wine. the couch.

paper and pen in hand

and writing down wishes, goals, destinations.

maybe like drawing a map. yes. to a treasure chest.

sometimes i think that itself is the secret.

the beautiful secret. of life.

that was saturday.

and now sunday is about to bid itself farewell.

do i write about that now too?

smiles...

this and this and that. that and that and this.

so i don't write, or come by to visit

for what feels like a day and a year.

and then i come with this and this and that.

and that and that and this.

but i believe that this too, is part of the metamorphism.

if it can be said as such.

there are so many moments and fractions of the past months,

that i would love to recollect. capture and hold here.

dana's visit. tamara's visit. emotions of the heart.

the fragile moments. the strong moments.

letting go and holding on.

visions. dreams. hopes.

inspirations.

but those are moments of the past.

and in my own precious way. i hold on to them

with their own intimacy.

and i promise to catch up. soon.

with letters and conversations that need to be written

and spoken.

to friends that gave me their patience,

again and again and again.

and never ever stopped believing. or letting go. reaching out.

[and gaylene. finding the little signs, the little heartbeats you left behind

i can't tell you what that meant. even in all my silence.

those words will catch up soon. i miss you.]

anyhow. the moment is now. and that's what matters.

and it's about all the words that are still yet to be written

as it is about all the moments that are yet to be lived.

maybe it's like starting a new book. new pages.

so that's where i'll start. the present tense.

or at least continuations of those.

and these photos?

simply of one of my favourite shops around here.

one of the most beautiful shops around here.

haus nr. 13 is what it's called. in offenburg.

alex has carried the omondieu! collections

almost since the beginning days.

something i truely appreciate.

but it wasn't until recently, that she started to carry

the poesie collection as well.

clothing wasn't something that she had shown in the store.

but damn, if i say so myself, it looks absolutely perfect,

absolutely lovely

in the midsts of all her other gems and treasures.

she's in the midsts of moving the shop right now.

a few streets down the road.

and i can't wait to see how the shirts will look then.

and hopefully, the new collection of rings

that have been dancing in my mind

will be brought to life soon

so they can share their magic there too.

yes, it's all coming back.

step by step.

on earth without maps.

I'm afraid I waste the light on the

paintings and on writing these words.

We die. We die rich with lovers and

tribes, tastes we have swallowed,

bodies we have entered and swum up

like rivers, fears we have hidden in

like this wretched cave.

I want all this marked on my body.

We are the real countries, not the

boundaries drawn on maps with the

names of powerful men.

I know you will come and carry me

out into the palace of winds, the rumors

of water. That's all I've wanted -

to walk in such a place with you,

with friends,

on earth without maps.

-Michael Ondaatje-

The English Patient

opening up.

i did it again. it's been a while since i've written.

and although the intention has been there.

things have just been busy with work.

the next catalogue is finished. friday it was all brought to the printer.

and i'm happy with it. looking forward to it.

and the results it'll bring.

and life. it's still had its moments.

at times, i still feel kind of shaky with things,

trying to find my ground again.

and at times, things feel larger than life again.

i haven't really talked about the past months at all.

that was my silence here.

but aside from all the changes that life had brought in the past year,

one of the final chapters of change

was losing a person that had been the centerpiece of my life

for the past almost seventeen years.

the centerpiece. in good ways. in bad ways.


i had made the decision to leave klaus last year in april.

it was a decision that took courage, was a few years in the making

just to take that final step.

due to various circumstances, we still lived together

until i moved out in march.

the last months, the last weeks before moving - those were tender.

each had gone their separate ways. lived apart from one another.

took on new experiences. changed. stood still. but not together.

there wasn't much said. we just cast our shadows in occassional hellos.

but after moving. friendship was regained.

we spoke alot. he helped me with things

as much as he could. and in his own way.

strangely, those were the things he never really did while we were together.

i used to say, i felt more alone with him, than if i really were on my own. alone.

i think there came a point when both of us took much forgranted.

we misunderstood things. between us. for us. because of us.


back in may, i flew out to dublin for a couple of days.

a small break before heading into the last leg of the project at work.

we spoke a couple of times while i was away,

we texted back and forth, had a few laughs.

but i also received a text message from his best friend,

telling me that he had just spent a couple of hours

talking on the phone with klaus.

something that could almost be called, girlie talk.

he told me that between every word and every line spoken,

klaus kept saying how much he missed me.

and when kuno asked him why he didn't just tell me,

he simply said

"i don't know. i don't want to lose her.

she's all that i have. and i just can't show her how much she means."

and when i flew back on a thursday morning,

kuno was at the airport to pick me and the girls up.

we talked about that phone call again.

i took it to heart, but in the same breath,

i shrugged and said

"those are the things he needed to tell me. to show me.

i don't think i can open up and take those words in right now.

i think it's too late now."

but as i drove home, i called him.

we simply talked about this. about that. talked about the dog.

he asked if i was going to come by later and i said i would.

he wasn't sure if he'd be home, wanted to go and play a round of golf.

now i can smile when i say this, but that was always yet another issue between us.

so i reckoned, there really wasn't any point in heading out to meissenheim

or to visit him afterall, if neither him or pup were going to be there.

i had an appointment in lahr, stopped to visit isabelle for a coffee afterwards,

and decided to drive home. but i was restless.

even isabelle had asked what was with me. why i was so tense.

and just before i was about to turn off on the autobahn,

i found myself driving straight on.

i tried calling him. he didn't answer. neither at home or on the mobile.

and when i pulled into the driveway, i found it strange that his car was there.

walked in, pup met me at the door.

we simply cuddled as we always did and then to go see klaus.

reckoned he'd be on the couch, as he always was.

and that is where i found him.

i thought he was sleeping. but i think at that instant i already knew.

i took a deep breath. and simply said his name again and again.

quietly. questioning. and with each time i said it,

i think i whispered a prayer saying "wake up. please. just wake up."

it's a moment that often plays in my mind.

again and again.

it felt like forever until the police and the ambulance came.

i don't think i gave up hoping and praying until the moment

when the doctor said, "there's nothing we can do"

and that's when it first really felt like a part of my world crumbled before me.

they had moved him to the floor, and i just layed there beside him

held him. spoke with him. cradled him.

i remember hoping that maybe he could still feel that, sense that

and know that he wasn't alone. not in that moment. not ever in a moment before.

his family came over. isabelle and petra came over as well.

and the girls took care of things for me. built a wall around me.

everything was numb. surreal.

much of the next days were a blur.

i don't know what i would have done without isabelle or petra or achim.

but what i'm thankful for,

is that things were good between us. we were at peace.

for all that was left unspoken, it was still all known.

just silently spoken.

so much is clear now these days.

and i still speak with him often.

sometimes i smile. and i'll admit,

sometimes i feel angry at him. for just leaving like that.

but i know he even understands those moments.

i can see him, the way he prolly just rolls his eyes and thinks

"oh, let her be. let angi just be angi. she'll get over it."

because that's the way it always was.


so klaus. this is for you.

i miss you. and i'm thankful for you.

with all the good. all the bad. all the smiles. all the tears.

and i'm doing okay. i'm finding my way back.

i realise, that all this had to be. this is part of the path

part of the treasure map as we walk our way thru life.

and i thank you for being my friend. for being my family.

my constant companion and

for being my centerpiece

all these years.

i hope you're doing okay too.


love.

me.