the wedding...

last saturday

and anke and heiko's wedding.


but i'll have to write about it later.

because for now,

this girl needs to get to bed.

and sleep.

capturing... that perfect day.

capturing yesterday...

and the only words that kim and i really had

describing it to ourselves

was by simply saying it's a perfect day.

and i think that was the decision that the both of us

had met upon waking up and saying hello to the morning.


i can speak of my day already starting off just perfect.

up early and with the first cup of coffee

finding a dear letter to read.

and for the first time in days,

the skies were blue again, the sun wanted to play

and it felt like the tease of summer had returned.


and morning emails with kim

brought us to the spontaneous idea of asking,

how does heading out to freiburg sound to you today?

my last day before starting the new job,

and simply wanted to enjoy the day

and the freedoms that come with days like such.


the morning continued with more coffee,

getting some work taken care of, and taking time

to write and ponder thoughts over a letter myself.


and we know,

that all beautiful things arise in unexpected moments.

and that's just what happened with the photos

that were taken yesterday as well.

we'll call them conversations,

because that's exactly what they are.

captured moments of conversation.


there's an essence in kim.

usually thursday evenings are an evening

belonging just to us.

and we stir energy in one another,

share laughter, discuss things that often mean,

lowering the voice to a whisper,

maybe at times a nasty grin,

but definitely always a smile.


and kim too, is always there for me,

over the years and years and chapters of life.

when it comes to matters of the heart.

often helping me read between the lines of life.

or simply when it comes to sharing a glass of wine.


and as we sat out in the garden,

there was already many a memory created,

secrets that were shared,

and going thru the frames of photographs taken,

it's almost as though we can recollect the moments,

and all the things we said.

and hence, documenting words in a secret language.


and these photographs reflect the essence of kim.

the beautiful way she has of laughing out loud,

shooting straight from the heart, for the heart.

the playful look in her eye,

a smile that possess a feminine beauty, a grace.

conversations with kim come alive,

there's a spirit that lives within each and every word.


and this is the way i see kim.

the beautiful way i have gotten to know kim,

and cherish the friendship that we have.

yes, these are photos are our conversations.


we finally made our way to freiburg.

starbuck's was the first thing on the agenda.

and then simply walking down the cobblestone streets,

stumbling ourselves into shops

and finding little gems as souveniers of the day.

we made it to the designer's market

and elisabeth was exhibiting as well.

so there we were again, playing with hats,

and being the silly girls we can be best.


we carried on, stepping into my favourite vintage shop,

second hand glory and bliss

and both of us finding more gems to complete the day

browsing thru the racks, with bouts of giggles,

but often the oh my god said in that particular tone.


the one religion i have each and everytime in freiburg,

is going to the osteria.

of chandeliers and mirrors along an ancient stone wall,

and of wines and tapas, and sitting on old church pews.

the perfect scenario to enjoy a coffee,

or a glass of red wine.


kim and i decided to simply enjoy a prosecco,

while reflecting back on what really was

everything that a perfect day simply should be.


we decided to carry on,

with conversations and simply holding on to the moments,

and that lead us on to cohibar's

and the temptation of a strawberry margeritta or two.

and then little moments, like simply calling mom.

and letting her know that kim and i were out together.

yes, mom is back in canada,

but has also locked kim in a place in her heart.

and with each and every phone call over the years,

will always ask about kim,

or ask me to say hello.

and so yesterday, it simply felt like further conversations

that needed to be. just because.


and driving home, following a clear lit sky,

singing to ryan adams and where stars go blue again and again,

it was when we were able to conclude,

it was, it really was a perfect day.


kim,

i thank you for the friend you are.

i thank you for the moments and all the conversations.

for the laughs, the smiles

and even some of the tears over the years.

and i thank you for the beautiful soul you are,

and i guess what that all really means,

is i thank you for you.

for being one of the friends in this circle

that weaves itself around me.


and i thank you for yesterday.

and for that perfect day.


my love to you kim!

angela.

a perfect day.

that's what it was.

simply a perfect day.

and it's late. and i'm just back home.


so more about that tomorrow.

because sometimes it's good

simply to remember

days like today.


a perfect day.

silent conversations.

where to begin.

i feel like there is so much that I want to say.

from the past weeks. even just the past week.

last week. this time. and i was having a most lovely evening.

other than a smile on my face,

there’s not much more that i’ll say.

and yes, a few of you dear ones know what i mean.


the rest of the work was a bit of a blur.

simply enjoying the last days before the new job starts.

i can’t believe that it’s this friday already.

welcome a new chapter and all it has in store for me.

but in all honesty, each and every day almost feels

like a new story is in the beginning.

and i’m embracing the change,

and embracing it with curiosity.

as though i simply want to step towards it.

and patience isn’t always my best virtue.


other things that have made me smile this past week?

silent conversations and written words.

buying a lovely sweet antique teapot, knowing she’ll be a vase

one day soon in my new kitchen. maybe on a window sill.

strange that i see my new place already,

and yet, there are still a few months of patiently waiting

until I can take the step out the one door,

and into the next.

a friday afternoon spent with alex,

meeting with petra, and us three girls going shopping.

two new dresses, a skirt, a pair of pants, a belt, a shirt later.

the photo session with patti on saturday

then honestly just needing to head out and get groceries,

ended up with more shopping.

a pair of shoes, a pair of pants, a purse, earrings, a blouse later.

sunday morning with pancakes and blueberry syrup.

and trust me when i say,

blueberry syrup is something simply not had here in germany.

elisabeth coming by for coffee and that lead to dinner

and endless conversations, trying to solve

or simply understand

one of the greatest mysteries of the world.

and sunday was also about writing long letters.


yesterday was about fleurs and getting them off to freiburg.

which didn’t happen until later in the evening.

and it was about more silent conversations.

words and thoughts simply shared

like striking the midnight hour.


today also brought all the more reasons to smile.

and again, it’s all the little things.

like finally saying yes to a necklace i’ve long coveted.

something simple. something sweet. a bird in flight.

and this necklace has long been on the mind.

amy has one of the sweetest shops called day-lab

i’ve known amy for a good few years now.

and to see what she’s done in the shortest while with her business,

i graciously bow down and courtesy to her.

i first met amy thru photography.

and to this day,

she also remains one of my favourite photographers.

in a world of loretta lux, joyce tenneson and robert doisneau

to name a few of many.

and today, i simply had to say yes. maybe like a celebration

simply of the self. and of good things.

happening. changing. becoming.

and an email from undine as well,

almost leaving me with a guilty conscience

that i haven’t really been around, written or called.

she’s been yet another pillar of support

and we have ideas that we share,

ideas we want to set into motion.

but it was sweet to find her email

and also her letting me know that miriam pielhau

was wearing one of my rings on tele again,

sunday night on one of her new shows.

reminding myself that I should to write her too,

and simply say thank you. for the support she gives.

because although i don’t watch much tele myself,

i hear again and again, that miriam is wearing the fleurs,

flaunting and flirting them as i like to say,

in whichever way she can.

and that means the world. it really means much.


i also bought myself a bed today. on ebay.

and please don’t ask me where this idea suddenly appeared.

it’s old. and antique. as in 1910 old and antique.

oak wood and absolutely lovely. in a kitschy lovely way.

but the bestest part of it all,

was buying this bed for a whole of ten euro.

i suddenly decided the new place

was going to have a white bed.

[which means, i’ll still have to paint the bed white too]

and i don’t even have my new place yet,

nor do I know where I’m going to put this bed until I do have it.

and maybe it’ll be my bed. maybe the guestroom bed.

but yes, I bought a bed.


and then it was other little things,

like the one lovely order from the website.

and today was a good day of orders coming in.

maybe i can’t help myself and yes,

it’s just the day to day of running a business,

but whenever i know that a package is on it’s way to new york,

it’s just puts a different kind of smile on my face.

maybe because for whatever love and fascination

or all the dreams I have,

it just feels like a little piece of me is finding its way there too.


silly yes. i know. but that’s simply me.


and in the intervals of writing this, mulling thoughts

and randomly remembering fractions of a week,

or of a day,

i found myself smiling once again.

and simply saying thank you.

for silent conversations.



[photograph - taken on the saturday sessions]

i thank you. for being you.

patti

and our photo sessions of saturday.

in the short while i've known her,

since the spring of last year now,

she's definitely become one of my dearest friends.

and friends, are something that i know

i call myself blessed with.

not something to be taken forgranted

and a word i hold with the weight of gold.


and amongst theses circles of friends,

it's often as it is in relationships of love and life

you experience "love at first sight"

so to speak.

you meet them,

and you simply know this is someone

that is meant to play a role

and a part in your life.


and to all the dear ones in my life,

i can truely say to have been blessed with having them

thru long journeys in my life.

like common denominators.

and constant stars over years. and distance too.


patti and i met because of my fleurs.

a phone call from her one day,

asking if she could come by to see the fleurs.

she had heard of the rings, and then seen the rings.

and from that day on,

she's not only become a pillar of support,

a shoulder to lean on,

listening in a time of need,

wiped away tears or put a smile back on the face.

and then the conversations that go for hours on end.

there are the laughs and the silly moments,

and pedicures and last minute waxes,

massages too.

she's there to push me forward,

or bring me back down.

reminds me of my dreams when i feel reality has woken me,

believes in me when i reckon i'm stumbling on my way.


it's not uncommon for patti to come by

even late at night if she sees i'm still working.

and somedays, she simply

drops a little note and cherished words

under the door.


and with all things in life,

it's simply the little things that matter most.

the gestures. the thoughts.

and yes, always the talks.


and i'd just simply like to dedicate these photos

to a most wonderful, beautiful woman

called patti.


these photos to me,

are just the way i have gotten to know her.

the smile on her face. a look in her eye.

playful. and honestly authentic.


and i simply thank you patti,

for being you.

and the friend you are.

photo friday... circle

circle.

reflecting on what could be written,

or what could be seen as circle.

translations of definition.


thoughts like...

dancing in a circle came to mind.

or stepping into circles

and stepping out again.

and that love can circle itself around you

just as we circle ourselves with friends.


and circles leave us in dizzy blur,

as we go round and round and round again.


reflecting,

it was this photograph that came to mind.

an excerpt from a series i call intimacy.


we circle ourselves in love,

leaving us in blissful blur

like a child of merry go round.


and arms that warp themselves around you,

simply holding you tight

and holding you close.

in circle.


www.photofriday.com

wish the day good night.

"sometimes i feel as though my hands are bound. to you.

and it as though you were a prayer. whispered upon my skin.


and yes. i am still bound."


an old photograph.

and old words.

but for whatever reason, they were found again today.


saturday definitely took on a plan of its own.

needless to say,

i broke the promise to the self

and didn't get to the flea market on saturday morning.

granted, i was up. and i was ready to go,

however the arm was back to giving me greif.

i can't recall if i mentioned

that friday morning had me at the doctor's

and a diagnosis of spinal disk deterioration

or something similiar is what the doctor said.

basically, that's what has caused the neuritis in the arm.

nine needles later, and another round of pain killers,

the arm was just doing fine come friday night.

and then there was an amazing dj to blame,

curse and bless with a true blend of bossa nova and house.

patti and i rarely left the dance floor.

it's been a long while since i've been out like that.


i don't think we got home until about five am,

so that really surprised me to be awake when the alarm went off

just two hours later.

and aside from the arm, i really was feeling alright.


but i reckon that was prolly the better decision anyhow,

as i was back up again by nine am

and started working on the wedding photographs

as they needed to be done for today.

i didn't end up finishing with those until eleven pm.

and aside from stepping out for an hour to get groceries,

and taking pup for a walk,

there is no way i would have managed to get them all finished,

had i actually gone and done the flea market.


but the nice surprise in the day,

was running into melanie while getting groceries,

an acquaintance of an acquaintance lady that i know.

and her asking me about photographing her upcoming wedding.

we made an appointment for earlier this afternoon

and i was really hoping that she was going to say yes

after seeing my portfolio.

it would have been a nice surprise to add to the september,

as i wasn't reckoning with any more assignments

beyond anke's wedding on the second of september.


and she did say yes.

making for a very very happy me.


later in the afternoon,

had an appointment with the other bride

and there's always the anxiety as to whether or not

the client really will be pleased with the photographs.

and a moment of relief, when you can see it written on their face,

or spoken with their eyes.


the sunday morning itself was nice. quiet. content.

i'm enjoying the time away from "home"

and staying here at isabelle's.

it's like being able to take a deep breathe of air,

inhale and exhale.

spent part of the morning sitting outside,

drinking coffee and having a cigarette,

going thru old magazines

ripping out pages here and there.

inspirations. and reminders.

and a long talk on the phone with alex.


while i was at my client's,

a wonderful, almost secret mystery in my life

started sending text messages as well.

and this is possibly when i confess,

that they were leaving me with a smile on the face,

and maybe a bit of a blush on the face as well.


something about this man,

that i haven't yet figured out, aside from the curiousity

that he does leave me with.

the curiousity of the voice i hear speaking on the radio.

or of the man behind the words and thoughts,

both written and shared.

but this constant prelude forever feels like one step forward,

just to take one step back.


but it's sunday come monday morning now.

and there's much in this week to promise the self,

and much in this week to look forward to.

however, also much in this week that needs to be done.


so i'll simply finish off this glass of wine,

and wish the day good night.

dancing into flea markets

my friends know me

and they know me well enough to know,

that i can't say "no".

so with me procrastinating for the past hour,

trying to get myself into the basement,

sieve thru the junk in the garage that has

all been set aside for flea markets.

accumulations of the purgings that have taken place,

over the past year, the past months

unfortunately however, not the past weeks.


i only managed to do one flea market so far this year,

and considering i had vowed to have all of this junk

berid of my the end of summer,

i guess that means i'm not doing too well with my efforts?


the last flea market was end of july

and i actually wanted to blog about it.

make a silly list of all the little odds and ends

sold. and peacefully departed.

you know, it actually surprises me,

that these "accumulations" can really be anyone else's treasure.


they certainly aren't the treasures i go looking for

when visiting flea markets.

but it never ceases to surprise me.

and the last market,

left the load quite a bit lighter,

and then considering,

i definitely sell things much too cheap.

one euro here, and one euro there,

and fifty cents for that please.


but as i said,

i was procrastinating earlier on.

wanting to organise what i'll load into the car tomorrow,

or making the effort to find more pieces of junk

and give me the sensation of having done

even just a little more purging today.


and then along came patti.

standing outside, calling my name thru the window,

asking if i'll go out dancing with her tonight.

some club in freiburg that i've never been.

and then her claim that it's our generation of age.

gave her the cheekiest smile i had

reminding her of the last time she took us to a new club,

quoting the same assumption.

after that evening,

i also vowed i'd remain single for the rest of my life,

if that was really all that was out there.

frightening and haunting and chilling

but good for a laugh it was.


díd i already say

my friends know me

and they know me well enough to know,

that i can't say "no".


i can smile at that however as well,

because it's also something they'll never take forgranted.

at least not the true friends, the real friends.

and yes, we're working on learning to say that little word

at appropriate moments.

and looking at patti and hearing her say,

"but i need you. you can't make me go with bianca on my own"

there was no way i could say no to her not being able to say no.

vicious circles we live in these days.


timmy left earlier for his dad's for the next week.

and i just came back to meissenheim to prepare for the fleamarket.

and now that mission is accomplished too.

in record time.

downstairs is a pile that simply needs

to be arranged into the car in the morning,

in orderly chaos.

and i even found a few other odds and ends

to add to those piles.

nothing that makes a difference

and yet it does. somehow.

does that make any sense?

and i'm making yet another vow here,

that no matter how late tonight might be,

i will be at that flea market tomorrow.

even if i have to pull an all nighter.

mark my words.


and i'll make myself a list again tomorrow,

of all the things.

sold. and peacefully departed.

and i'll take pen and paper

to write other lists

because these days,

there are so many thoughts,

so many ideas

that lure their way thru the mind.


photos that i want and need to take this week,

the canvas that i need to paint.

the lamp that i almost placed in the pile this evening,

and suddenly envisioned a new life for her.

a life of boas. and feathers. and yes. light.

i'll take a pile of magazines with me

that need to be read and pages torn out,

of inspiration found.

i guess that counts as purging too?

so yes, in a sense, feng shui of the soul.

letting go to invite the new.


the money from tomorrow's flea market?

maybe we'll put it to the trip to paris

as i want to be back there again.

maybe september? maybe october?

or maybe for the trip to new york?

or simply for the new apartment?


we shall see.

but patti just honked the horn outside.

and it's time...

to put on those dancing shoes.

photo friday... friend

playing in colour, yet with the simplicity

of black and white.

while children playing in paint,

creating a world where it's good

to dare yourself to draw outside the lines.


and it's those days and moments,

that you almost learn more from children,

sometimes,

more than they could ever learn from us. as adults.


and meet julia and anna.

also known as friends.



and i remember watching these girls,

hoping that this friendship remains

with the same intimacy of shared secrets,

and dreams dared to be spoken out loud,

smiles and laughter understood.

a friendship that grows over the years,

holding memories like souveniers,

yet living with anticipation

of the journey ahead.


meet julia and anna.

friends. the best of friends.

letters never sent...

letters never sent...

something i believe that all of us hold,

souveniers written on the heart.

of once upon a time.


for all those letters written, sealed, stamped.

but simply never sent.

those letters that were caressed with the i loves you.

we never dared to whisper.


they become stained. creased with time.

and somewhere we all have these letters.

tucked into the silent corners under a lock and a key.

but simply never sent.


* * * * *


old words i once wrote,

but in a sense, reflecting much of recent moments.

leaving me wonder, if this is a pattern,

and too often, i find myself biting my tongue

holding back the words that find themselves nesting there?


it's wednesday.

timmy and i drove isabelle to the train station

last night at midnight.

on the way home, we stopped to see if we could

catch shooting stars along the way.

but what started out as a clear sky night,

had a pillow of clouds and an ever so bright moon.


the both of us slept in long this morning,

and dare i confess,

it was a thirteen year old that actually was up before me?

i must also confess however,

that for the past week, i've been living on painkillers,

with a case of neuritis with my right arm.

and although it seemed to be getting better,

monday had me in tears with pain

and not even able to sleep.

thankful for any few moments that i would simply doze off

before the slightest movement had me jolted again.

yesterday i managed to get thru the day,

but it had its more than tender moments.

and today actually feels like a miracle.

so that's prolly my excuse for finally finding good sleep.


right now, timmy has a few friends over

and about to head out the door.

had to smile as he asked, if he could cook me dinner tonight.

yup, it might just be an omelette,

but it's timmy's new thing and i think it's sweet.


i'm listening to k.d. lang's

hymns of the 49th parallel.

truely one of the most beautiful cds ever.

and each time i listen to her renditions

there is a pull of the heartstrings

and sometimes it feels, like they are taking me home again.

'i drew a map of canada,

with your face sketched on it twice'

i see myself, sitting out on the veranda, by the lake.

chilled evenings and wrapped in blankets.

in someways, a memory

and in someways, a daydream of tomorrow.


things feel comfortable here at isabelle's.

strange is, this house is one that years ago,

i had vowed would one day be mine.

old acquaintances lived here and the first time

i stepped thru the door,

i felt as though there was a familiarity.

that was years ago.

and then when isabelle was looking for a new flat,

called me to say she found the perfect place.

on moving day, my mouth dropped when she stopped the car

and there we were.

that house that i fell in love with years earlier.


but as isabelle as said,

the next couple of weeks will simply be good for me,

in having my own space around me again.

quiet and peace before starting with the new job,

but also getting myself acquainted,

for the months ahead of me and moving out from "home" now.


i'll be stepping out in a few moments myself,

going to the market to buy some flowers.

as i do want to play with the camera in experimentation

also contemplating getting the new joy denalane cd

then i'll head home, spend a couple of hours

finishing off the rest of the wedding photographs

and getting the first load of fleurs here to isabelle's

so that petra can come over and help tomorrow

as there are a few packages that need to find their way

to new gardens and hopefully bloom into new magic.


and i'm looking forward to these next couple of weeks.

just the quiet and the serenity.

i hope they pass slowly, fully and completely

and not with the usual race and pace of time.


i want these days to be letters written,

but letters that are also sent, spoken

and shared.

silly girls...

just back from baden baden

and the market that elisabeth was doing over the weekend.

elisabeth is a milliner and designer,

[although i really prefer the word of modiste so much more]

someone i've worked with since my gallery days,

but also someone that is a dear dear friend.

the good talks over good drinks kind of dear friend,

and lately, the thoughts on our minds

and the pulls on our hearts,

are on many of the same parallels.

with change on the horizon.


elisabeth was selling and showing the fleurs this weekend,

so i drove up to baden baden on friday,

and then this afternoon as well.

unfortunately for the both of us,

it really wasn't the best of markets.

but it was elisabeth that was there

and had to endure the rain, the cold,

and the dull and boring moments.

so today we talked about,

starting to work on a project of our own soon.

taking more photographs,

working together with the hats and the fleurs.

and getting elisabeth a new website done as well.


before we started taking the stand down this evening,

we were having a bit of a silly moment.

both of us feeling a bit like the weather,

grey, cold, rainy and simply blah.

the camera is always a good rememdy for that.

"ladies with an attitude

fellows that were in the mood

don't just stand there, let's get to it

strike a pose, there's nothing to it"

as madonna once said.


did i say that we were being silly girls?

oh, for the love of friends.

and elisabeth's hats!

what is blue...

friday night.

and i'm going to allow it to be a quiet friday night.

this week has been the first time in a long while,

that i've actually been spending evenings at home.


and i haven't really decided what this evening will hold.

maybe just me and the pup,

cuddled on the couch.


but right now, listening to the weepies

and i keep listening to "gotta have you" on repeat,

singing along,

"No amount of coffee, no amount of crying

No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine

No, nothing else will do

I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you."


there's something sweeter than honey,

listening to steve and deb's voices. together.


deb talan's cd is another one that i truely ever love.

her words. her lyrics. her voice. her music.

it can leave me here to melt, and make me all strong again.


and uschi put a smile on my face this week as well.

i just met her and anke for the first time,

earlier this week on monday.

two absolutely amazing women.

powerful. funny. strong. thoughtful. energy.

visions. dreams. stories. experiences.

we met at the osteria in freiburg,

sat back enjoying prosecco and red wine,

a table filled with tapas

and hours of endless conversations.

ideas dancing in the minds of the three of us.

ideas. but yes, possibly visions.

and i like to think there's the one or other project before us.

soon.

uschi is a mastermind of words. anke is a mastermind of design.

i can't begin to say how inspiring it was to meet them.

and i had to smile when i discovered what uschi wrote

in her daily news as well.

blush. blush. gush. gush.

it's been a week of many kind words.

as susan already made me blush earlier this week too.


and i think that's one of the things, that we can be most grateful for,

friends that surround us,

people that believe in you,

push you a bit further,

or simply embrace you.


i always believe, everyone enters our lives for a reason.

whether for a moment, a day, a month, a year,

or a lifetime.

but behind each person, there's a reason.


a companion meant to be sitting beside you,

on that empty chair.

photo friday... four

rather different than most of the photography i do,

and to be honest,

there was the one or other photo that i thought of

in retrospect,

however this was the first that came to mind.


four of my boys, so to speak.

from a london band called euphoria

and yes, there's not just the sight of "four" in this photo,

rather the sound of "four" in euphoria.


terry, calvin, scott and russell

it's been a good ten years of being friends

and i've always believed in the boys,

and these days, good good things are happening for them.


just recently, terry and russ called to say,

they've finally been signed.

and at the moment, they're on a bit of a european tour,

but also just found their was to new york, and los angeles.


we need to revamp their website,

as it's just a bit outdated at the moment,

but the "four" can be found here for now

euphoria!

and that's me and photo friday for now.


hope you have a lovely sweet weekend!

chapters.

"The main interest in life and work is to become someone else that you were not in the beginning.

If you knew when you began a book what you would say at the end, do you think that you would have the courage to write it? What is true for writing and for a love relationship is also true for life.

The game is worthwhile insofar as we don't know what will be the end."

- Michael Foucault -


i keep reflecting these words as of late.

i believe i first discovered them,

read them, at keri smith's lovely blog.


and these past months,

there have been so many chapters written,

chapters that have put smiles on the face,

maybe a bit of pain in the heart,

chapters that have yearned for their continuations

and chapters that have gracefully taken a bow and courtsey,

some chapters never found their final words,

and some chapters are possibly still being written.


our life is so much like a book,

each of us has our own personal book of stories.

and we compile these.

with each day and month.

and each year.


sometimes these stories are written in our hearts,

sometimes just in our minds.

and sometimes these stories are even written on the skin.

scars or wrinkles that remind us where we've been,

how we've grown and how we change.

forever evolving.


my mind is wandering these days.

seeking words,

maybe even wanting to step back into certain chapters

and moments.

and yet, eagerly waiting for the new chapters to begin.


but i suppose in simply writing these thoughts,

and all the things between the lines,

it's just a small way of writing the chapters of today.


because these are the moments that each of us,

right here and now.

maybe sometimes, that's the only thing we really share.



[photograph - unwrap this body

taken once upon a long time ago

in an earlier chapter]

the camera's first light

the first photographs with the new canon.

a wedding yesterday, that i was asked to photograph.

no, i usually don't photograph weddings,

however i do admit,

something i could possibly enjoy.


when i first met the bride, i was really uncertain,

as to whether i could say yes to this assignment,

or not.

i'm sensitive with people. and especially with the camera.

i have to sense something with them, be able to see them,

almost like feel their stories upon meeting.


but i put myself up to the challenge,

because that's simply what we have to do.

it's a part of the process, a part of becoming.


there are over one thousand photographs to sort thru

starting at the salon in the morning

until the midnight hours and the cake being cut.


i especially had fun with all the children,

and there seems to be a magnet between me and them.

regardless if an evening like yesterday,

or visiting with friends,

i'll have the children around me, pulling on my leg,

calling my name

and last night, i can't recall how many times i found myself

sitting on the floor,

colouring with them, photographing them colouring,

or even having one sweet girl

coming up to me at the end of the evening

[at least my end to the evening, as i was getting ready to leave]

and give me a picture she drew,

and ask if i would come and sit beside her and her daddy.

poor thing, i think i burst out laughing.

i told her, that i was just about to leave,

but what would her daddy say to that.

she simply said,

"i like you. i think he might like you too."

god bless the innocence of little kids.

[mind you, daddy was rather something nice to look at.

and i have to admit, someone that had earlier,

already caught my eye?]

but when does it happen,

that we lose that innocence, and the simplicity of life

within ourselves?


it was a great evening yesterday,

and it was the first time

that i took the new camera out to play.

i wonder what other stories she'll have to tell along the way?









side note...

a cemetary is a place that i would never

ever have imagined,

using as a scenario for wedding photographs.


it had been raining all morning,

and just as we got out of the church,

the rain finally stopped.

the cemetary was in the courtyard of the church,

and that's when i could see the photographs.

not in the morbid sense of "until death do us part"

rather in the serenity

of angels and blessings.

in german, a cemetary is called a friedhof.

frieden meaning peace.

hof meaning courtyard.


i think it's actually a most beautiful word.

yesterday. today. tomorrow.

i've been quiet here lately.

but not for the sake of not having anything to say,

rather simply, not having the time to say.

each and every day has been a come and go.

spending many evenings out and about

seems to be the habit as of late.

and there have been flea markets

and garden parties with the fleurs.

evenings of wine and coffee with friends.


and summer almost feels as though it's faded already.

looking outside, there's august rain.

leaving almost an eerie feel in the air.


i ended up not being able to get the canon EOS 20D

and rather instead

the canon 350D found it's way to me.

i have to admit, i did have my mind set on the one,

but after yesterday's first photos with the 350D,

i think she'll be kind and generous to me as well.


the things that i wanted to write about over the past days?

the flea market and making lists of junk,

at least the purging and the junk that is now

someone else's treasure.


or writing about

a sunday night at the xavier naidoo concert,

the bitter sweet symphonies of the heart,

someone somewhere that i've been learning to let go of,

and finding strength in the self with just that.

however, confessions that there still are things

that we call sweet dreams.

and just like the cinematic dreams of wide open eyes,

each sequel leads to the next and the next.


or about thoughts, words that need to find their way to paper,

written in chapters, much like a book.

[tamara, susan...you both know what this is about,

and make me keep my word. to myself.]


i wanted to write about petra and i,

sitting out at the bistro on wednesday night

drinking coffees, and blankets wrapped around us,

just to keep the chill of a cool summer evening warm.

one of the sweet things of the bistro i must say.

they bring out blankets for all the guests,

and simply seeing people in the content,

of cuddling into themselves,

or into whoever it is beside them.

and the two of us,

making plans, dreaming plans,

making vows in friendship.

and yes, chapter two to the sweet sweet revenge.

or maybe that would be the final chapter.

like the closing door?


but maybe i'll find those words here yet.

recapturing them, and moments,

as though carving them in stone.

just to simply one day remember.


things that i'm looking forward to

over the next days? weeks? maybe even months?

a visit from a friend from hamburg.

and staying at isabelle's while she's off to vancouver

loving and living her days with my brother.

[and i still really can't believe it's true]

starting the new job in september

but still all the growing plans i have for myself.

working on new photographs,

and thinking new exhibits.


every now and then, it's simply about thinking of all the good,

and that's when we really know,

how far we've really already come.

midnight gibberish.

maybe this blog entry is a bit drunken midnight gibberish.

well, not really drunk,

but definitely the one or other glass of wine

enjoyed this evening.


had to head out to town to run a few errands this afternoon,

stopping off at isabelle's to see how she was doing

and then we decided to spend the evening together as well.

she's taken the week off at the salon,

so she didn't really feel we should be out and about,

rather just enjoy a quiet evening at her place.

i headed back home,

take care of a few things first and then,

had to call tamara and share the latest insane insanity with her

just even thinking about it, leaves a nasty grin on my face.

and i haven't a clue where to begin,

where to start,

but at the moment, simply knowing,

it's something that needs to be done.

and dedicated in sweet loving blissfully beautiful revenge

to a certain someone that has been the good and bad

in my life as of late.

of course, only confessing this at the moment,

thank you to that one or other glass of wine.


so shortly after eight pm,

i headed back to isabelle's

we were efficiently co-ordinated and ordered dinner

as i was sitting myself into the car.


the evening was spent,

with much conversation, planning a picnic menu

that i'll be sharing with someone next week,

getting all girly and singing refrains and fragments of

carly simon and joni mitchell songs.

"You are in my blood like holy wine

and you taste so bitter

but you taste so sweet.

I could drink a case of you darling,

And I would still be on my feet."


and in all the contradictions i can be,

as i was on my way home,

all i had in the car singing to me was

fat boy slim and jamiroquai.

which regardless, still felt just as good

on a hot but cooling summer night.

in the car, windows down and driving home again.


at the moment, things feel good.

or at least they feel better.

there's still lots of unravelling that needs to be done,

but there's a calm in the way things feel at the moment.

much like the air that hangs outside the window sill tonight.

still, peaceful, quiet,

but you can sense that even on a clear sky evening,

something is on it's way.

and just as i wrote those words,

the most subtle breeze hushed a promise.


on friday i have yet another meeting regarding the position.

we'll be doing the final negotiations of the contract,

and with great possibility,

me signing on the dotted line.


at the moment, i'm welcoming the decision.

and i do believe that even as difficult as it'll be,

to start up with this position,

basically, starting up a new company and running a new company,

while still running my own business,

it'll be progression.

and something that will eventually bring parallels,

or find it's companionship hand in hand.

i keep reminding myself,

that all things happen with reason.

part of a masterplan.

but it's usually first in retrospect,

as we glance back over our shoulders,

that we really see how it was always meant to be.


and it's midnight now.

i'm going to take myself, a glass of wine and a cigarette,

sit outside on the couch,

watch the stars and satellites

and let the summer evening wrap it's air and breeze around me.

listen to the crickets

and wait for a shooting star,

simply to make a wish.



[and the photo above has nothing to do with these writings

simply a photograph taken once upon a time]

modigliani and his women

Portrait of Mme Hanka Zborowska

Amedeo Modigliani


where this title, or just the thought came to mind,

i can't even begin to tell you.

sitting in my "atelier" or whatever it is you want to call my workspace,

distracting myself with other thoughts,

as i play with my fleurs,

putting a small and sweet collection together

for a small and sweet shop. just down the road from here.


and in the blur of the last days,

or even of just the morning.

much of the past days has been about conversation,

and in today's faster than faster changing world,

conversations on phone, text messages, sms and email,

cups of coffee conversations

and one two three glasses of wine conversations.

and i've needed these conversations.

the listening. the speaking. and even the silence in conversations.

but it's about the understanding, the opening and spilling,

the giving and the taking.

of words. thoughts. emotions. dreams. fears.


but yes, that is what the past days have been.

simply conversation.


and today, i'm on my i've stopped counting now cup of coffee,

vowed to the self, not to stop working until this collection is finished,

and i won't even start in confessing,

how really far behind i am with all things called work.

however i believe that these phases too, must simply be.


everything these days evolves around change.

change of the body. change of the direction.

change of the heart. change of the thoughts.

things evolve, because we need to embrace change into our lives.

one step at a time.

and as overwhelming as it is.

and even in the moments when things feel as though they are standing still,

quietly, silently still,

it is part of the evolving as well.

we might not be taking the next step ourselves,

yet something, someone, somewhere is taking a step

that leads to our next step.


i'm even finding it hard to follow my own train of thought

but isn't this just the way the mind and all these thoughts

really entwine and weave themselves.

fragments. as they are spoken, or written.


it's three pm and the news just came on the radio.

and i found myself smiling. softly.

because that voice speaking right now,

is the voice i'll be speaking with, in a few hours.

in conversation. and with a good glass of wine.

or two.

an evening, that i'm very much looking forward to.


and without speaking too soon,

it does appear that i'll be taking on the new position,

as of the first of september.

i still haven't really absorbed the last phone call this morning,

when the question finally brought it all to the point,

asking if i'll say yes and we can meet next week to finalize the contract.

maybe i've been putting too much thought into things,

whether this is really the position i want, or need.

almost as though seeking excuses for the self.

but in parallels and in other abstract ways,

it's almost a perfect connection between the new challenge,

and my own business.

and regardless of the responsibility behind this all,

there's the learning experience.

and i simply have to embrace it as that.

and whatever doors it opens next.


so in all the laziness of a much too hot summer day outside,

the slow awakening of an evening out last night with a dear friend,

chilled, perfect rosé wine and yes, much conversation.

still thinking of kim's words as she said,

"so i decided to pray to mary instead.

you know, she's a woman, so i reckoned she'd understand"

i have to burst out laughing.

bless her for that one.


and what it was, that i really wanted to say

calling this modigliani and his women,

i can't even say myself now.


but maybe that's exactly it.

we are all a canvas of ourselves.

in all the colour, the endless imagination.

we create our own portraits,

and life.

just the way we want them to be.

in a way, that only we can see.


and that's part of the beauty,

in understanding who and all the gloriously wonderful things

we are.

when summer sings her song...

and cristina knows how to sing her own songs,

just simply by looking thru the camera in her beautiful way.

a few of the photos taken with the omondieu! rings

and leaving a smile on my face.


her entire portfolio is a splash of colour,

feminine ease and a playground of discovery!


cristina, my heart goes out to you...





photos by cristina naan

blurry pictures of a saturday night...

and enjoying caprihinia's and white wine,

with isabelle and dani

waiting for the stars to come out at dusk.


blurry eclipses of a saturday night...

she's mine. all mine.

"Once is not enough",

I used to say as a kid.

That seemed very plausible to me,

"once upon a time."

But when you take pictures,

I learned,

none of that applies.

Then "once" is

"once and for all".


- Wim Wenders -

eiffel tower and laundromats.

it's been two days since the boys have left.

there's been waves of emotions happening since then as well.

missing them. but also enjoying the quiet within these walls.

much like what's happening within this heart as well.


i had promised myself a productive day yesterday,

finding the modus back to work.

there are fleurs to be made and sent off.

always something that gives a warm and good feeling inside.

as though, i'm planting seeds in unknown gardens,

and waiting to see by whom and where they are discovered.


yesterday ended up not being as productive as i had hoped.

i did manage to get the one resume for new york finished and sent.

and as said, whether this is something i'm pursuiting

to actually find myself in that city

or simply doing this for a closure

or releasing a new energy,

and putting thought and dreams into action?

i am still not sure.


i did phone the headhunter to express my interest

in yet another meeting with the owner of the company.

strange perhaps, that they were awaiting my interest first?

is it not normally the other way around?

he returned with another call shortly after,

saying that they were pleased to hear my response.

i am to call the owner of the company on monday,

and make arrangements for the next meeting with him personally.


there are things about the position that interest me, intrigue me.

in abstract and distant ways,

it could very well still be of benefit to me and my business.

contacts, inspiration and finally proper displays for retailers?

ahem.

however mostly, yes, the experience.

if the position does work out, and i accept the role,

or am offered the role,

there'll be a lot of weight on the shoulders.

being solely responsible for another man's vision

and in that sense, his money matters.

whether i can take the business off the ground for him.

but there'll also be the ease, knowing it's exactly

what i am doing with my own business,

however, actually receiving a cheque at the end of the month.

maybe that's inspiration within itself as well?


it does mean hard times before me,

maybe not just hard times, but "less" time.

finding the balance between the two.

but it's a part of the plan

and a part of the transition, the change.

and i know it'll open doors to other things.

contacts. experience. and inspiration.

new challenges upon the self

and yes,

money to set the other ideas and projects,

ever so patiently waiting,

into action.


so let's see if it happens. and what becomes.

i just find it strange, that from all the resumes i've sent

there hasn't been a "thank you but no thank you" received,

nor a "we ask you to be patient as we review the submissions"

or anything of the likes.

this is the one and only company that has responded,

and without putting too much weight on the matter,

or reading between the lines,

maybe that is a good sign right there?


alex from girl at play

wrote a beautifully amazing email yesterday.

excerpts from her chronicles

hullo, summer. hullo, simplicity.

and reading those words, i smiled,

just knowing, that for us all,

there is this transition in the air.

and we simply have to take the leap,

have the faith,

and learn to fly along the way.

someone once told me,

that the unfamiliar is the best thing we can discover.

simply because it means, we've never ever been there before.

the familiar is the pattern, the routine

and what keeps us standing still.


paris already feels so far away.

this morning, having my coffee,

i was wishing i was back in the tribeca café

on 65 rue de charonne. in paris.

and these photographs, in their own small ways,

are of two moments and memories

that translate what paris and life were to me that day.

the eiffel tower and laundromats.


last night, there were many talks on the phone,

with mom. with isabelle.

and yes, there were many thoughts on the mind as well.

i have to admit, i was sensitive skin yesterday.

maybe not just yesterday, but the past weeks.

i feel tender. transparent. and maybe vulnerable.

there's the change that has been evolving

and maybe at times it's frightening

and as isabelle so beautifully said,

it's the unravelling of the knots.


for too long, i've tied knots within the heart,

maybe a sense of protection, self-preservation.

but i've started to unravel these knots

over the past months

and that's the painful release of it all.

weaving thru them, combing thru them.

tearing at them. simply to unravel and open again.


and i think the one thing i'm most grateful for

are my friends.

those that unravel these knots with me.

it's one thing i'm truely am thankful for.


usually i find myself being there for them,

with words, or simply silent understanding,

and now for me to be allowed to show my weakness

and have them as tightly woven blankets wrapped around me

is something so cherished.

and reminds me, that is the authenticy and honesty in it all.

being allowed to be strong.

and in the same breath,

being allowed to be weak.


small intermission, patti had just come by

for a saturday morning cup of coffee.


anyhow. last night i finally found a sense of calm,

and found myself writing on paper

of hopes, wishes and dreams to come true.

isabelle and i came to the conclusion,

it's time to start a new book

and a book, that only holds the good things within

its handwritten pages.

maybe a part of the letting go.


even if exactly all i'm trying to let go of,

was exactly what was accompanying me in my dreams

through out the night.


i awoke to those thoughts

and a text message from isabelle

asking if i'm up already.

i called her saying yes, but still snuggled

between my pillows and blankets.

she was still snuggled in her own bed too,

and missing someone ever so much.

[maybe this is when i should mention

that between the brother and my dearest friend

a bit of a love story has evolved?]

so we decided we'll meet for coffee later on,

go shopping to get myself that new book, for new chapters

and simply talk.

her final words on the phone were,

you'll hear from "him" today,

and i knew she meant the one,

that sends me sweet messages every other day,

even when in paris, and sitting at the eiffel tower.



so i poured myself a coffee,

and decided that maybe i'll take a moment and write instead.

just to say hello,

and wish him a lovely time in paris. as he was on his way.

and that i was wishing, i could be there too.

in my café, watching secret and foreign stories unfold.

but just as i was about to write,

there was already a "good morning" waiting for me.

and i found that rather sweet.

so in my reply, i simply said,

yes, maybe next week we should finally meet

for a glass of wine he's so often talked about?

and the answer in return was

not just maybe, but we will meet.

how does wednesday evening sound?

at his place, sitting outside by the stream?


and yes. i will honestly confess,

it did leave a smile on the face.

i think most simply looking forward to the conversation

and the simplicity of a summer evening.

quiet, light.

and ease.


simplicity.

that is a word that means much to me these days.


but now it's time to do something within this house.

cleaning, like a cleansing.

and maybe more purging.

just like the letting go.


and i really should be getting back to the fleurs,

maybe a bit later on.

after coffee with isabelle.

anke called and asked if i'd come by in the afternoon,

and patti thought maybe a swim in her pool,

might be a perfect saturday lazy too.

tomorrow we want to go walking together as well,

through the morning lush green and dew dropped woods.


it's saturday.

and today just feels lighter,

less complicated.

and much like the soft breeze

coming thru the open window,

i can inhale. and exhale.


contradictions and parallels.

much like the eiffel tower

and laundromats.

blurs. of simply remembering.

blurs of the past days.

that's what the recollection is. blurs.

symphonies of time in allegro.


left for paris on tuesday morning.

spent the day simply wandering around.

cole really wanted to see the louvre,

much with his fascination of the da vinci code

[or possibly the girl, that he saw the movie with?]

however, who would ever have guessed

that the louvre is closed on tuesdays?


so we simply wandered.

saw a bit of this. a bit of that.

had talks and just spent time together

which was the most important part of it all.


the day was so hot, sticky, salty on the skin.

leaving us tired and in the same sense,

very much alive.


we were sitting at the trocadero

simply because it's the most beautiful view

of the eiffel tower.

i get a text message simply saying

"say hello to the eiffel tower for me please"

and i didn't know who that message could be from.

so i replied saying,

"yes, the eiffel tower says hello as well.

but all i have is a number

and i don't know who to say hello to.

but i'm sitting here, looking at her now."

a moment later i get a reply saying,

"from the man that visits paris once a month

and if he's not in there,

he reads the news on the radio

or hopes to be by the stream

having a glass of wine with you soon."


and the mystery was solved.

leaving a smile on my face.

and what i might not dare admit,

a bit of a loneliness in the heart

this man has been so gentle, sweet. sending thoughts

in the morning or the middle of the day and late at night

simply to say hello.

and i don't really think that he pierced my heart

or managed to capture me

until that very moment.

it's been hard to receive.

it's been hard to take the walls down around me.

that i've built up all these years.

and i dare confess, while often walking down the streets

of this amazing city we call paris,

i wonder what it would be like

discovering and seeing and living this with someone close to the heart.

regardless. he did make me smile.

and i do believe that i'm looking forward

to that glass of wine. one day soon.


cole and i went back to the hotel,

weary on the feet and weary on the mind

of simply absorbing the sights, the sounds.

cole went coma in horizontal latitude on the bed,

i gave him a nudge

and told him i'd be back in an hour.

simply stepped outside on our street rue de charonne,

looking for a café and a quiet moment to spend time

with paper and pen and thoughts.

in a most beautifully quaint café called TriBeCa

and in one breath, i had my two most favourite cities

right before me.

paris. and new york.

earthly red painted walls. french jazz playing loud.

i was the only patron in the café

and just the perfect ambiance

for watching life on the streets pass by.

i sat down, writing thoughts and musing.

and day dreaming. away.

there was a lady in the laundromat across the street,

just watching her day dream away as well,

and people always create stories in my mind.

wondering where they are coming from,

and where they are going.

and a fascination of how we see people pass by,

yet we're all strangers caught in the same moment of time.


i walked back to the hotel,

and we decided we'd watch the world cup in a brasserie

and yes i'll admit, i was very much hoping for a german win,

and cole getting upset with me,

everytime i would say

"bud, i think the italians are going to take the game"

and needless to say,

i was blamed in the aftermath as well.

but, with a smile on his face

[and it's cole's smile that i so adore.

something shy. almost hidden. but his eyes light up.]

i think i was more so blamed,

after the first goal fell

and about thirty seconds before the second goal fell,

i buried myself into my nephew, didn't dare watch the screen

while saying

"cole, they're going to score again. don't let it end this way."

i honestly couldn't look.


sleep was easy to find.

the air was still hot and thick and heavy,

and i left the windows open.

the sound from the streets were a perfect lullaby.


up early in the morning and off to the train station we were,

back home by two in the afternoon

and back in my car on the way to pforzheim

for the follow-up interview.

hard to say how that went really,

i'm to call back tomorrow and express my own interest

having had the time to review the position.


the impressions that the company and the owner left were good,

and the only position he's proposed to me

is that of project manager [slash] managing director

of the new company he'd like to start.


a challenge it definitely would be,

however there's a yey and a ney speaking within.


depending on the interest i voice tomorrow,

we'll arrange for yet another meeting next week,

simply to show me more of behind the scenes,

and exchange a few more thoughts.


i'm hoping that by tonight,

i'll still be able to send off my resume

for at least the one position in new york.

again, what chances or potential are,

i can't even say.

rather than this is simply something

that i need to do for me. myself. and i.


my brother and nephew and buddy just left a few hours ago.

i still can't believe that the three weeks have passed.

so quickly. so suddenly.

life felt like it went on frame freeze.

leaving simply the blur.


the past week with the brother

was all that it wasn't in years.

there were matters of the heart,

and emotions involved.

things that one didn't anticipate

yet brought us closer again.


and needless to say,

also leaving tears behind

with the hugs and kisses of good bye.

there wasn't even much that needed to be said,

simply because we both understood. silently.


i'm so behind with work at the moment,

and yet i don't even feel i can function.

or better yet focus at the moment.


maybe i just need some time for the self.

to remember. to forget.

to absorb.


isabelle is coming by in a few hours

we reckon a walk down the rhine

and a talk

is just what the both of us need.


her matters of the heart. my matters of the heart.

and little hopes and dreams

that we allow to live within.



blurs of the past days. [and weeks and months.]

that's what the recollection is. blurs.

symphonies of time in allegro.

j'adore...

paris.


in a few hours

[granted i hear that alarm clock...]

my nephew and i are off to paris.


just a day. and just a night.

but we're off to paris

for his birthday.


j'adore...

little bits and pieces...

"It's Spring fever...

You don't quite know what it is you do want

but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so."

- Mark Twain -


no, it's not spring. rather summer.

but i just discovered those words the other day,

and found them so compelling, so true.

and so beautiful.

so these words have found their place, here and now.


although i'm meant to be tidying up the place,

and getting groceries for tonights bbq

at isabelle's...

[by the way, happy canada day!]

i've just poured myself another cup of coffee,

and will take up the challenge in a moment.


i promised isabelle i'd simply make

a tomatoe and mozarella dish

and of course, my ceasar salad.


she's gotten all we need for the grill,

and the wine of course.

i'll pick up some french baguette later as well.


the boys should be coming back later this afternoon,

and awaiting their stories and adventures of the past two days.


it was however a welcome moment,

just having a bit of quiet and solitude

for myself.


there was thinking time, reflecting time.

and furthering this mother of my resume project.


i'm still not sure where these ideas are leading,

or if it's something i'll actually do.

but sending these resumes off, is maybe more about

releasing an energy.

or simply stepping towards a dream, a thought

and watching what evolves along the way.


i do have a second interview on wednesday

for the position that i interviewed with last week.

whether that means that i stand a good chance,

i'm not too sure yet.

we'll take that as it comes.


however, in an abstract way,

i can see it possibly being interesting

for my business as well.

which of course,

is something i definitely won't be letting go of.


it's not just my business,

but it's also something personal.

it's a part of me.


outside feels like the perfect summer day.

birds are singing, grass is lush and green,

there's just the slightest breeze.

and it's inviting a lazy summer day of nothing.


i'll be off to patti's at around two,

a swim and a dip in the pool.

and that means,

maybe i should get back to taking care of things,

bringing order into the house, run the errands,

and then find that lazy crazy day of summer


after all.