glimpses.

milano. trams. and strangers.

of friendly smiling faces.

november 3rd. 2007.

i really don't know where to start.

things have been a whirlwind and standing still.

all in the same breath.

there are times that i try to reflect back on the past year and then some.

to be honest,

i'm having a hard time believing that it's november.

again. and already.


i went into town today.

dropped off the first little pieces of my new collection.

i believe i'll simply be calling it "the angel collection"

i have the sketches and the ideas in my mind,

they've been there for a long long while.

literally having seen these angels

and all the things they want to be for so long now.

and its just slowly coming together.

before i dropped the rings and earrings off to the store,

i took a few photos. preliminary photos.

i'll have to work on them once i'm back from my holidays

and once i finally get my computer back up and running.

i can't tell you the mess that is.

my computer, all my files, all my work and photographs

of the past few years are in stuttgart.

and i feel as though i'm absolutely lamed.

after klaus passed away,

i had someone go thru all his client files and domains.

i was reassured that everything was alright

including my domain.

unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

i've lost my emails. i've lost my websites.

and i don't want to think of the domino effect.

so trying to take care of that,

get everything back in my name

up and running

it still feels like i have to start from the beginning.

and to be honest,

i don't know where to start.

oh it's a long story. maybe better left unsaid at the moment.

but i'll get it figured out. find help along the way.

and one never knows. but maybe its the start

of something bigger. better.

new challenges.

the ideas and the inspirations are definitely in my mind.


anyhow,

after dropping off the flowers, running a few errands,

i headed out to the office.

just wanted to quietly get some work done

and ease the knot in my tummy about going away on holidays

there are so many deadlines at the moment,

things that need to be done.

but i haven't had holidays since i can't remember when.

just the occassional day off here and there

but those days being taken off to take care of things.

can't really be considered "days off" in the least.

and as much as it feels like the wrong time,

i need this time.

there have been a lot of things that have been leaving me uptight these days.

its all been a transition. a metamorphis.

and i think what i really have to learn,

is to accept all of this. all that has happened. and all that hasn't.

and to give myself the permission

simply to be myself.

its okay to have fallen down. and stand back up again.

to feel. to want. to need. to give.

and also to learn to take.


i didn't get home until shortly after eight pm.

made myself a bite to eat.

cheese and grapes and melon with serrano,

fresh bread and a glass of wine.

sometimes the most simple things

are the most glorious things.

got a fire started, lit the candles,

the little rituals i have.

but i missed not buying my roses today.

always one of my favourite things to do.

sometimes on wednesdays. always on saturdays.

but i still have a few from earlier on this week.

and the orchids that susanne brought back from thailand

will share the next few days with me as well.

i can't believe how long they've lasted.


anyhow.

i'm going to write the one or other note here.

and then i believe i'll pour myself another glass of wine

and maybe write a letter that i've been writing on my heart.

and between the lines of thought.

whether this letter is heard or read or felt.

that's the other question i leave myself with.

but its all a part of this growing, this learning

this becoming.

and then i'll find my way to bed,

promise myself sweet dreams

and a new day.


love,

me.