finding. keeping. and sometimes losing. the heart.

reflections of passing by trains. places and faces.

after a long day. a good day. a friday. in frankfurt.

sunday. and after contemplations with the self

decided not to go back to frankfurt and the tendence today.

rather to take and enjoy the day for myself.

get things done at home.

making sketches of ideas. evoking and provoking new ideas.

drawing maps and plans. of where i want to go

and what i want to become.

and i wrote a letter. simply ramblings.

of things i felt i need to share. want to share.

laundry is in the machine. i'm about to put a package together.

and get the fleurs and a few shirts together for that sweet shop

here in baden-baden.

then maybe sort thru a few more files. or take a sunday nap.

i'm just going to let it happen today. become.


the tendence was inspiring. again.

it's almost overwhelming. the colours. the designs.

everything.

it might have been good to go back again today.

take a bit more time to see things again,

with a second glance. a different perspective.


i have all these ideas swimming in my mind right now.

new ideas. still on the same parallels

as what omondieu! has been so far.

but different. in its own sense.

i'm just hoping i can find the materials i need

and the materials i see. that what i am envisioning.

or sketching on these blank pieces of paper.

and then of course,

i hope to find the time.


yesterday i spent the day on my own. in freiburg.

again it was relaxing time. winding down time.

walks. cafés. reflections of the other sort.

i went to the one store that i so truely adore.

i wanted to speak to the owner, but she wasn't in.

also revelled in yet another flea market.

and found the one and other gem again.

cameos. again.

the matching ring to the cameo found last week.

and then yet another cameo, on a velvet band.

similiar to the idea and the necklace

that i'm working on myself these days. sans cameo.

but that's my secret. spoken between these lines.


and i also found my little deer.

have been looking for just the right ones. for a while now.

glorious kitsch. i know. i confess.

but yesterday. there they were. and i knew they were the ones.

i wish it were like this with all things in life.

the simplicity of that. of finding. of having. and appreciating.

sometimes, it doesn't always feel that easy.

and the more the heart beats for something

the further away is seems. at times.


i still didn't find the postcards or the photos

i was hoping to stumble upon.

but those will come with time. again. as well.


now it's time to get back to my sunday mullings.

of doing this and this and that.


and you know what?

i can't believe that august is almost already at her end.

i almost feel as though i don't want her to go.

not just yet.

saturday's fleamarket treasures.

cameo stories. again. of rings and velvet necklaces.

photo found at a flea market before. once upon a time ago.

oh my dear deer.

undressings.

- undressings -

she wore gowns. of velvet. and red.

the way she wanted to wear his mouth.

on her hip.

photo taken once upon a time ago. in strasbourg.

words written once upon a time ago. in the heart.

i'm tired. but i think it's the good kind of tired.

i just need a chance to sit down, slow down,

catch my breath. and even if just for a moment.

and then to simply dance forward again,

with new energy, new wind, and new inspirations.


and although back and forth at the printers today,

watching the catalogue unfold, page by page,

i allowed myself a bit of that time and space.


you know,

sometimes i think it's good to simply say thank you.

to the self.

and to the little things and the big things that make a day.

complete.


what was today about? what made me smile?


seeing someone that means the world to me

even if only just to spend an intimate fraction of time together.

and just reading back in my blog,

passing thru memories,

i realised, it's been a year to the day

that i first ever saw him. met him.

and maybe even if only on a one way street,

he's been a constant companion, in heart and thought,

the whole way through

this year of change. transition. formation.

stumbling and falling and getting back up again.


another smile was going for a coffee

simply with the self.

just taking the time to do so. finding the time to do so.

alone.

something i've neglected the past while.


so when i left the printers [again], i just drove into town.

there's a most beautiful flower shop that i've often seen

even before moving here to baden-baden.

i've always had the intent of stepping in, taking a look.

but the rare and few occassions i make it into town,

the shop is usually closed.

so i did that today. and i'm glad i did.

the owner and i started talking,

and then i suddenly saw my fleurs in her store. envisioned them,

like an inspiring moment.

i mentioned that and found her curious, interested.

she told me to call her

and we can make an appointment for next week,

in the evening when the shop is closed and i'm "home" from work.

she'd love to take a look at the collections.

and stepping through the door on the way out, i found myself smiling. again.


i walked down to garibaldi's and sat down to grab that cup of coffee.

pulled out my book, my pen

and simply wrote

words.

and feelings. and thoughts.

sometimes i think that writing this down

is like engraving it in stone.

you make it real. you make it forever.

and just like writing this,

about the good things. you make it all the more true.


when i came home,

i started to put a few fleurs together

scattered on the living room floor.

and i spoke with petra on the phone. i miss her these days.

i miss our coffees and time and talks together.

i miss her and the girls just not being down the road.

it's in that sense, that this city just hasn't yet become home.

hard to explain. or to articulate those thoughts.


back to the printers again later in the evening,

to say yes and give the go ahead to the title and cover pages.

i think i took a deep breath at that moment

and made a wish saying...

be good to me. be good.


and home again to find more words,

these words.

and simply hold the things that make me smile

make me feel good.

and make me say thank you.

for days like today.

it's late. and it's raining outside.

and it's a beautiful sound to say good night to.

treasures of a day.

the cameo. a treasure of the day.

dahlias. the most beautiful dahlias.

lush. playful. and temptingly innocent.

the pillow. i couldn't resist.
"schau mich bitte nicht so an"
sweet sweet sweet.
please don't look at me like that...

from patti.

one of the two angels hanging from my window,

swinging on the finest organza.

lavender. i forgot that i finally got my lavender.
yesterday.


the cameo. my precious cameo.

champagne coloured pearls. paint chapped.

perfect imperfections.

those are the most beautiful things.

eclipse. reclipse.

reflecting of saturday. on sunday.

yesterday was spent with patti.

we weren't really sure what we were going to do with our day.

we contemplated freiburg.

or maybe going walking - thru hills and valleys.

or maybe simply going to strasbourg

or why did paris have to feel so far away for a saturday afternoon?


so instead, we just decided to go into lahr,

and then see where and how the day carries us.

as we were driving in,

i made a wish to her, saying i would want a flea market to be

a part of the day.

i need more old postcards. and old photos.

like secrets told from a stranger's past.

and you can close your eyes, and almost hear them

as whispers.

or sometimes, i almost see it as a promise,

to keep those secrets alive,

and never let their moments be forgotten.

we stopped off at isabelle's first

just to say hello.

and then the wish was granted

flea market. right there. before us.

i didn't find my old postcards nor my old photos

but instead, other treasures were found.

and it's those little things, the unexpected things,

that put the biggest smile on the face.

flowers from the market.

an old pillow, embroidered by hand.

i so had to laugh when i read the words stitched,

and it was love at first sight.

yes, those things happen with me. with the strangest of things.

like pillows. tea cups. and tea pots. candlesticks.

and i think the most precious things i have

are like these little treasures found.

for a penny non the less. figuratively speaking.

we wandered around a bit more.

the next little gem being a necklace.

champagne coloured pearls, old and paint chapped.

i reckon it's maybe from the sixties.

put an image in my mind of a lady that might have worn it.

she had brown hair, audrey hepburn style hair.

wearing a black dress. prim. proper.

feminine. and with her pearls.

and i think she looked like my mother.

i held it in my hand, then wrapped it around my neck.

one euro. how could i say no.

the other thing that i was looking for,

and patti knew as well,

is an old rosary. to drape around the corner of my bed.

i'm not catholic. i rarely go to church.

but belief, faith, spirit, hope, prayer

are important and intimate things to me.


patti had already wandered a bit further,

and found the one or other rosary.

she showed them to me, but they just weren't right.

i know what it's too look like. because i've already seen it in my mind.

and i know i'll find it. or it'll find me.

i truely believe, these things seek you. find you.

and sometimes, maybe, even speak to you.


but then i found her. the cameo.

she was small. fragile. almost hidden.

but again, she was familiar. as though i had met her before.

and did i fall in love again?

yes.

it's hard to say how old she is. and i do wonder about her stories.

but strangely, as i found her, or as i wear her and touch her,

it's mom that comes to mind.

[by the way. happy happy birthday my lovely one!]


after that, we decided to go to offenburg.

quickly walked thru the farmer's market

and although i had already bought my roses for the week,

found the most beautiful dahlias i think i've ever seen.

a bouquet for patti. a bouquet for me.

that's the way it was meant to be.


offenburg.

just wandered the streets.

shopping is definitely something that should be forbidden at the moment,

but as we were heading off to get a coffee at schoellmann's

[not really my favourite place, but it has the most beautiful view of the rhein valley,

of the wineyards and hills and rooftops]

we stopped at h&m to take a peek.

the result?

a black trench coat because we're in the midst of august

and i really really need one.

can we tell i'm trying to convince myself?

seriously, it's exactly what i had hoped for. and wanted.

and with my beret that i brought back from dublin

it's absolutely perfect.

then a black turtleneck because i can never ever have enough.

i had hoped to find a pair of marlene dietrich styled pants.

and of course, in black.

as isabelle and patti know, that's been my mission for weeks upon weeks.

i'm usually found wearing dresses - winter, spring, summer or fall

but the right pair of pants, a turtleneck or a fitted blouse.

and of course a trench coat...

voilá!

but it wasn't to be had at h&m.

so we did finally grab coffee. enjoyed a bite to eat.

i just kept looking to the wineyards and hills and dreamt a little dream

and couldn't help but just think of how perfect and how simple

that very moment could be.

but that's always the way it is. the simple things. the little things.

and i kept touching my cameo. and smile.

we decided to wander thru a few more stores and then

slowly find our way home.

and just as things might have it. in the last store,

and the most unexpected store,

there were my marlene dietrich pants. in black.

now this might sound like - as they say in german - a real tussie.

but i'm not. honest. truely. smiles and grins at herself.

i like the unusual. elegant. at times eccentric.

i like playful. i like classical.

i prefer the black and white.

vintage. modern. and blended together.

what my style statement might be, i can't really say.

tamara could probably say it, call it best.

but when i say, that there's rarely a piece in my wardrobe

that costs more than twenty euro

no one ever believes me.

that too, are things that make me smile.

[inherited from my mommy dear]

i find these deals and steals. or they find me.

but it's like the beret for an euro.

or a hundred year old bed for ten euro

and in the same breath

and without the wink of an eye,

i'll buy a coffee cup, handmade and of porcellaine,

for more than a dress has ever cost.

that's just me. of all the contradictions and all.


we did finally find our way home.

another cup of coffee at patti's. and then the angel she herself is,

a facial as well.

i adore you for that my dear.

but it's all the other little things i adore you for.

mostly just for being you.


left patti's and met with isabelle at the arena.

just a quick coffee. a quick talk. just finding a bit of time together.

and then i found myself coming home.

at first i thought i was still going to make it back out to freiburg

and to see elisabeth.

but the day left me tired.

it was the winding down after weeks of good,

however, long days and long nights at work.

it was taking time for the self again.

and for the first time in a long time,

it felt good to be alone.

just to reflect. just to think. just to take a deep deep breathe.

a glass of wine. the couch.

paper and pen in hand

and writing down wishes, goals, destinations.

maybe like drawing a map. yes. to a treasure chest.

sometimes i think that itself is the secret.

the beautiful secret. of life.

that was saturday.

and now sunday is about to bid itself farewell.

do i write about that now too?

smiles...

this and this and that. that and that and this.

so i don't write, or come by to visit

for what feels like a day and a year.

and then i come with this and this and that.

and that and that and this.

but i believe that this too, is part of the metamorphism.

if it can be said as such.

there are so many moments and fractions of the past months,

that i would love to recollect. capture and hold here.

dana's visit. tamara's visit. emotions of the heart.

the fragile moments. the strong moments.

letting go and holding on.

visions. dreams. hopes.

inspirations.

but those are moments of the past.

and in my own precious way. i hold on to them

with their own intimacy.

and i promise to catch up. soon.

with letters and conversations that need to be written

and spoken.

to friends that gave me their patience,

again and again and again.

and never ever stopped believing. or letting go. reaching out.

[and gaylene. finding the little signs, the little heartbeats you left behind

i can't tell you what that meant. even in all my silence.

those words will catch up soon. i miss you.]

anyhow. the moment is now. and that's what matters.

and it's about all the words that are still yet to be written

as it is about all the moments that are yet to be lived.

maybe it's like starting a new book. new pages.

so that's where i'll start. the present tense.

or at least continuations of those.

and these photos?

simply of one of my favourite shops around here.

one of the most beautiful shops around here.

haus nr. 13 is what it's called. in offenburg.

alex has carried the omondieu! collections

almost since the beginning days.

something i truely appreciate.

but it wasn't until recently, that she started to carry

the poesie collection as well.

clothing wasn't something that she had shown in the store.

but damn, if i say so myself, it looks absolutely perfect,

absolutely lovely

in the midsts of all her other gems and treasures.

she's in the midsts of moving the shop right now.

a few streets down the road.

and i can't wait to see how the shirts will look then.

and hopefully, the new collection of rings

that have been dancing in my mind

will be brought to life soon

so they can share their magic there too.

yes, it's all coming back.

step by step.

on earth without maps.

I'm afraid I waste the light on the

paintings and on writing these words.

We die. We die rich with lovers and

tribes, tastes we have swallowed,

bodies we have entered and swum up

like rivers, fears we have hidden in

like this wretched cave.

I want all this marked on my body.

We are the real countries, not the

boundaries drawn on maps with the

names of powerful men.

I know you will come and carry me

out into the palace of winds, the rumors

of water. That's all I've wanted -

to walk in such a place with you,

with friends,

on earth without maps.

-Michael Ondaatje-

The English Patient

opening up.

i did it again. it's been a while since i've written.

and although the intention has been there.

things have just been busy with work.

the next catalogue is finished. friday it was all brought to the printer.

and i'm happy with it. looking forward to it.

and the results it'll bring.

and life. it's still had its moments.

at times, i still feel kind of shaky with things,

trying to find my ground again.

and at times, things feel larger than life again.

i haven't really talked about the past months at all.

that was my silence here.

but aside from all the changes that life had brought in the past year,

one of the final chapters of change

was losing a person that had been the centerpiece of my life

for the past almost seventeen years.

the centerpiece. in good ways. in bad ways.


i had made the decision to leave klaus last year in april.

it was a decision that took courage, was a few years in the making

just to take that final step.

due to various circumstances, we still lived together

until i moved out in march.

the last months, the last weeks before moving - those were tender.

each had gone their separate ways. lived apart from one another.

took on new experiences. changed. stood still. but not together.

there wasn't much said. we just cast our shadows in occassional hellos.

but after moving. friendship was regained.

we spoke alot. he helped me with things

as much as he could. and in his own way.

strangely, those were the things he never really did while we were together.

i used to say, i felt more alone with him, than if i really were on my own. alone.

i think there came a point when both of us took much forgranted.

we misunderstood things. between us. for us. because of us.


back in may, i flew out to dublin for a couple of days.

a small break before heading into the last leg of the project at work.

we spoke a couple of times while i was away,

we texted back and forth, had a few laughs.

but i also received a text message from his best friend,

telling me that he had just spent a couple of hours

talking on the phone with klaus.

something that could almost be called, girlie talk.

he told me that between every word and every line spoken,

klaus kept saying how much he missed me.

and when kuno asked him why he didn't just tell me,

he simply said

"i don't know. i don't want to lose her.

she's all that i have. and i just can't show her how much she means."

and when i flew back on a thursday morning,

kuno was at the airport to pick me and the girls up.

we talked about that phone call again.

i took it to heart, but in the same breath,

i shrugged and said

"those are the things he needed to tell me. to show me.

i don't think i can open up and take those words in right now.

i think it's too late now."

but as i drove home, i called him.

we simply talked about this. about that. talked about the dog.

he asked if i was going to come by later and i said i would.

he wasn't sure if he'd be home, wanted to go and play a round of golf.

now i can smile when i say this, but that was always yet another issue between us.

so i reckoned, there really wasn't any point in heading out to meissenheim

or to visit him afterall, if neither him or pup were going to be there.

i had an appointment in lahr, stopped to visit isabelle for a coffee afterwards,

and decided to drive home. but i was restless.

even isabelle had asked what was with me. why i was so tense.

and just before i was about to turn off on the autobahn,

i found myself driving straight on.

i tried calling him. he didn't answer. neither at home or on the mobile.

and when i pulled into the driveway, i found it strange that his car was there.

walked in, pup met me at the door.

we simply cuddled as we always did and then to go see klaus.

reckoned he'd be on the couch, as he always was.

and that is where i found him.

i thought he was sleeping. but i think at that instant i already knew.

i took a deep breath. and simply said his name again and again.

quietly. questioning. and with each time i said it,

i think i whispered a prayer saying "wake up. please. just wake up."

it's a moment that often plays in my mind.

again and again.

it felt like forever until the police and the ambulance came.

i don't think i gave up hoping and praying until the moment

when the doctor said, "there's nothing we can do"

and that's when it first really felt like a part of my world crumbled before me.

they had moved him to the floor, and i just layed there beside him

held him. spoke with him. cradled him.

i remember hoping that maybe he could still feel that, sense that

and know that he wasn't alone. not in that moment. not ever in a moment before.

his family came over. isabelle and petra came over as well.

and the girls took care of things for me. built a wall around me.

everything was numb. surreal.

much of the next days were a blur.

i don't know what i would have done without isabelle or petra or achim.

but what i'm thankful for,

is that things were good between us. we were at peace.

for all that was left unspoken, it was still all known.

just silently spoken.

so much is clear now these days.

and i still speak with him often.

sometimes i smile. and i'll admit,

sometimes i feel angry at him. for just leaving like that.

but i know he even understands those moments.

i can see him, the way he prolly just rolls his eyes and thinks

"oh, let her be. let angi just be angi. she'll get over it."

because that's the way it always was.


so klaus. this is for you.

i miss you. and i'm thankful for you.

with all the good. all the bad. all the smiles. all the tears.

and i'm doing okay. i'm finding my way back.

i realise, that all this had to be. this is part of the path

part of the treasure map as we walk our way thru life.

and i thank you for being my friend. for being my family.

my constant companion and

for being my centerpiece

all these years.

i hope you're doing okay too.


love.

me.

the apartment. these days

sunday morning roses. picked fresh.

glimpse of the dining room.

took the camera in the hand today.

inspired by tamara i suppose. and taking my own first photos

of my apartment. since moving in.

simply fragments. glimpses. fractions.

because that's how this home is evolving.

bit by bit.

a new start. a new chapter.

and those are the things i have yet to write about.

the original intentions of visiting here today.

but for now,

i'll simply share this. in fractions.

reflections. mirrored reflections.

in the dining room.

the bathroom.

of orchids. white towels. and mirrors.


some of my most favourite things.

a coffee bowl turned vase for summer flowers.

porcellan from angela johe and margitta hildebrand


a glimpse of the living room.

the tiled oven and fireplace.

more living room glimpses.

my baroque mirrors. my cherub candleholder.

a treasure brought back from amsterdam. in march.

the balcony.

and my first clematis that i planted. and it grew.

it's almost symbolic for me in a way.

an old birdcage, found at a flea market

and below a garden of green. lush summer green.

up the stairs and enter the bedroom.

there's a precious sensation

each and everytime i walk these stairs.

it's of space. of light. of intimacy.

and at night, lying in bed, gazing out the window beside the bed

let's me wish upon the stars and sleeping satellites...

yes, that little pink bird on the nighttable

keeps her watchful eye on me.

made by the one and only and ever so lovely alicia paulson

from posie - rosy little things.

fresh roses picked on a sunday morning

little tealights that flicker each night.

my bed is something special to me.

for stories told. maybe even stories to be told.

[said with a wink of the eye. and a smile on the face.]

i first spoke of her here

and then again here.

and to this day, i think she's become my centerpiece.

in a personal way.

a symbolic way.

and just a few of the books

that are being read. in fragments and fractions as well.

inspirations. stories. memories. hopes. dreams.

writing. reading. absorbing.

we all have something to say.

tamara and me...

i came here tonight to write. to catch up. to say hello.

and i don't know, but i just wasn't finding the words.

and then i started to read the words. tamara's words.

went by to visit the girl. was missing her

and thinking that it was just a week ago

that her and konrad were here.

the first time that we'd actually met,

but without really knowing how to say it,

the most familiar face and friend.

it's as though tamara has always been

right here along side me. a part of me.

a companion thru the heart of it all.


she was already at my place when i got home from work

and walking thru my own doors

right up to her to hug and say hello

was as though that moment had been a thousand times

and never ever before.

but reading her blog and words tonight,

it all just came back. as though it were here. now.

and there was a smile on the face,

as there was a tear in the eye.

okay tam, still can't get over all the apartment piccies.

my god, the place is honestly still empty!

in a literal sense.

and that's not about not being content

but literally (time for justification)

of starting all over again. with the bits. the pieces.

boxes are still spilled all over the place

waiting to find a place to crawl themselves into. under.

no lamps hanging from the ceiling yet. nor pictures on the wall.

but they'll come. with time.

and i think the most important thing that fills a home

are the memories. like those that we created. together.

it's the friends (and the lovers) that share the walls

fill the space and breath the air.

and having you here. the both of you.

it inspired. and it changed things.

and brought so much back to life for me again.

so much that had frozen itself over the past months.

and i can't thank you enough for that sweetie.

i honestly can't.

so maybe the only real words i'm able to find tonight

are those saying to you

how special and wonderful you are.

how much i adore you

and how grateful that i am,

that there's you in my life.

heart. soul. friend.

i love you tam. and i thank you!

tamara, isabelle and me...

and photos by the one, the only...

konrad!

hello. again.

i'll be back soon. i promise.

there is much to share. much to say.

much to open up. spill out.

about the past months.

the change. transition.

about loss. about falling down.

and about standing back up again.


i wanted to write a long letter tonight.

but at the moment,

just saying hello feels about right.



hello.

the red carpet.

this was probably one of the most chaotic weeks

of all the past chaotic weeks i've had.

between trying to keep caught up with work

and then organising things for the move

everything felt like it was a test to see

just how strong one can be.

and then all the things the heart is feeling

deep inside.

but susanne asked me on tuesday

if i wanted to join her at the Radio Regenbogen Media Awards

for friday night.

mostly german performers, musicians and such

with a few international personalities.

i had no idea what to expect and although

i usually don't listen to that radio station

[i felt like i was cheating on my heart

and that man and voice on the radio

that i'm so dearly missing]

her gentle persuasion and the need to do something good

in the sense of taking a break and some time out

was enough to say yes.


and there was a point and time on friday,

that i wondered how i was even going to get thru the day.

it was just one of those days.

but then driving up to the awards and the red carpet,

the valets giving a hand to escort you out of the car

and lead you to that moment.

what a blur. i can't explain.

even being a "nobody" in that sense,

you can see the people looking, watching

and cameras focused on you.

and you revel in the moment,

absorb it. but it remains a blur.

i just found the photo on the website

and hope that some of our photos from the night

that susanne took, are just a bit more flattering

than this.

the small personal highlights of the evening

aside from the awards and the ambience?

bianca jagger's speech and then speaking with her

after the awards. about her work and her dreams.

i have to say, i wasn't aware of just how much she really does

and the passion and determination behind this lady.

there's a respect and a fascination discovered

and i felt honoured to have met her. spoken with her.


later on, susanne and i needed to finally grab a bite to eat.

and a chance to sit down again.

the feet were definitely feeling the new shoes.

and i suppose at times, i refuse to learn. when it comes to shoes.

we grabbed a few seats and then i realised

that i was sitting beside oliver pocher.

a german self proclaimed "b celebrity" so to speak.

a comedien that definitely shoots below the belt.

and i just kept asking myself, of all people

why am i sitting beside him?

granted. he can be funny. and did receive an award that evening.


but better sweetness was having annett louisan at the table as well.

a german singer, that has a playfully sweet nuance of chansons

in her songs. and her voice.

we got to talking as well

and i'm to send her some of the fleurs.

would be sweet to see her wearing them one day.


and then later on, as susanne and i were heading on out,

there was simon webbe.

we somehow got to talking as well.

and after a photo and and the small talk,

there was a sweet hug and a kiss as well.

and so do i admit, that suddenly the aching feet

felt like they were walking and dancing on a cloud.

i should have gone back in for a drink with him,

but i walked away with a smile instead.

and said good night to the night...

walking over the red carpet again.


so i guess it just shows.

that at times, life brings unexpected moments. surprises.

so maybe it's about being patient. curious.

and taking things as they come.



photo from Radio Regenbogen

sunday are simply beautifully wonderful days.

i wrote myself a to do list for the weekend.

i can't say that i got most of it done

however, there's still the sense of accomplishment.

small steps forward.

a few boxes are packed

and endless bags that have found their way to the garbage

or to the red cross donation bins.

i'm trying to be consequent in what i take,

what i leave behind.

and what i let go.

and today was something glorious

in its own way.

from the first step i took outside this morning with pup

you could feel that spring was in the air.

early morning sun that felt warm on the skin already.

i just grabbed a cup of coffee and we simply walked down the path.

i was trying to put mind over matter with the heart

in particular chapters of life.

so it almost felt like there was a constant companion

on the mind.

at home, starting to work on a corner here

and then a corner there.

can't really say organisation was the name of the game.

i managed to get one box packed.

just of little things. precious things.

angels and teacup little things.

and then i called simone,

reckoning it's too beautiful of a day

not to go for coffee and simply sit outside at the bistro.

so we did.

and then we came back

and started painting the old beds i bought last summer.

they had been dismantled in the garage since then.

at first i was doubting

if it was going to work out as i had hoped to imagine.

but as soon as we had the first coat of paint up

things were taking form.

petra came by as well,

and then it was the three of us.

the beds and a small table for the bathroom

were the accomplishments of our afternoon.

the bed will need a third coat

and then i have to find the angel mouldings that i want

for each of the headboards of the bed.

but the sweet discovery of the day

was find the engravement of the year

in which the bed was built.

in 1889.

and that made me smile

because it's exactly one hundred years

before i found my way to germany

in 1989.

and i can't believe it's been that long already.

other things that made me smile today?

seeing my first butterfly of spring

watching the pup snooze in the sun

having the girls simply being there for me

hearing from the one that is the matters of the heart

driving with the sun roof open for the first time in the mini

knowing i have the day off tomorrow...

sometimes. sundays are simply beautifully wonderful days.

wednesday...

is it wednesday? already? again?

feeling really tired tonight.

and in more than one way.

between work. the move.

everything is just a bit overwhelming at the moment.

good. but overwhelming.


and i think i'm going to find my way to bed.

i managed to pack for munich

and we won't be leaving as early as hoped

so that means a couple of hours in the office first

and able to take care of a few more things.

it promises to be another long day,

and i really do believe i'll be so happy

when we're back at the hotel

having dinner. relaxing. and hopefully a glass of wine.


i still have to call caro. and ruth.

and of course hope to meet with andrea.

as well as the galerie.

the days and the evenings will fly by.


and then next week,

i hope and i reckon there'll be lots in the office

and then having to get things in place with the move.

financially. technically. physically.

and i believe emotionally as well.


and it's days like this,

when everything really is so overwhelming

and we just don't know how we're going to get it all done

but there's magic in that

because somehow

we always do manage.


anyhow. this is me. saying good night wednesday.

all things are good.

photo for omondieu! by helena kvarnström

closing off the day.

feeling accomplished. and not so accomplished.

didn't get home from work

and then from a meeting with my landlady

until about nine thirty this evening.


i had initially planned on finishing off things for galit

but i also needed to prep some things

that need to find their way to munich with me

later on this week.


i had a sweet order that i took care of after i checked emails

i love it when i can send the fleurs on their journeys

and that's one of the things i've been doing this year,

is making a map of all the places that the fleurs

find their way to.

it feels like planting seeds of magic.

and i just want to watch this garden grow.

but at times, and especially these times,

it's frustrating.

simply because the ideas, the inspirations surround me,

but it's the time that just feels like the battle at the moment.


anyhow.

i managed to fill another garbage bag of things.

and it still doesn't feel like there's a difference to be seen.

i'm trying to be more and more consequent

in what i keep. in what i let go of.

and sometimes i think that this materialistic purging,

is a symbol for an emotional purging.

kind of like an emotional feng shui of sorts.


what i really need is a week at home

just to organise things, sort thru corners.

finally get things up on ebay.

get things filed. of course while enjoying a cup of coffee.

then i need about two or three saturdays of flea markets.

and then a week, just to focus on the office and piles of paperwork.

and more than anything

i need a week off. of nothing.

but i'm saving that until i'm in the new place.

and then of course. a holiday. travel.

where would i go today?

i'd like to think of bretagne. or the tuscany.

maybe a week of greece.

i honestly can't say.

and i know, that i really need a visit home too.

with mom and dad.


but that reminds me of something

that put a smile on my face today.

reading dana's email

and her plans of coming over for a week

in april.


and i'm also looking forward to amsterdam

at the end of march.

even if just a weekend. and a bit of work.

but god it's a beautiful city.

and susan. yes, there'll be photos. i promise.

cross my heart [but hope not to die]


but right now

i think that sleep and bed should be my contemplation.

a glass of red wine beside me

and the hope and promise of energy for tomorrow.

there's a meeting that's going to be draining tomorrow

and i feel like we're behind on everything at work

yet it's going good. the response. the energy it creates.

but the "to do list" is a damn big one.

then back to the apartment again,

hopefully with a few things

that i'll load into the car in the morning.

it won't be much. but simply a few small things.


and then it'll be late again once i'm home

but tomorrow's priority is galit

and then packing

and prepping the rest of omondieu!


i just keep reminding myself

all will be good.

and all is good.


good night.

saying good night.

just back from frankfurt. and the ambiente trade fair.

spent the day there with my boss' wife, whom i absolutely adore.

we ended up taking the train from karlsruhe to frankfurt,

so once we arrived back,

we reckoned a bit of shopping could be added to the agenda.

and at the moment. i should be buying and looking for furniture and things,

rather than a new outfit to wear at the inhorgenta trade fair next week.

but we all know what happens, when birds of a feather flock together.

temptation got the better of me.

we finished off the evening with some sushi

and then some blooming teas.

i had wild lover. said to be the pisces tea.

she had oriental beauty. said to be the libra's tea.

finding "my cup of tea" and their zodiacbloom! however,

i should have been drinking the angel of lotus.

and she the charming lover.

sagittarius and capricorn respectively.

and i've absolutely fallen in love with these.

so beautiful to watch the tea steep and literally blossom

in a glass teapot.

i think it could become my evening ritual.

simply watching it bloom. come to life.

and even omondieu! had it's sweet moments today.

i had a phone call from munich,

so i'm to bring a few things along with me.

an array of shirts and fleurs.

damn.

there are so many ideas and inspirations in my mind these days.

it's just battling the time to keep up with them.

there's a bit of a vision i gave myself this year,

the dreamer i am. the realist i am.

true to the sagittarian i am.

but i just want to spread a bit more of the magic. and this vision.

andrea and i applied for the modepalast in vienna last night.

an expo event that i think could be interesting for omondieu!

but also the perfect excuse, to finally visit vienna.

and have a fabulous long weekend. of work and play.

fingers crossed that we get accepted thru the jury.

elisabeth has already applied. so fingers crossed for her as well.

but it is time. it's always time.

and i know i'll find the way to create the time.

anyhow. tomorrow promises to be a long day at the office.

a phone call with galit in the evening,

as we weave our way thru more and more ideas as well.

and plans for getting myself to amsterdam in march

to fulfill these ideas.

march is already promising, to be a month of madness.

good madness.

so i better get myself to bed. to sleep. to sweet dreams.

and simply say good night to today.

[photo taken in paris. in october.

and i find myself thinking of him.

and yes. missing him.]

the first piece...

first i don't write for what feels like months.

and then i overwhelm myself with three writings in one day.

but after a relatively, lesser productive sunday than planned,

i just bid on an auction on ebay.

and may i introduce, the first piece of furniture i just bought

for the new place.

at least the first official piece of furniture i've bought,

since i know how and where my new place is?

i'm not sure if this dresser is going to be in the bedroom,

or in the hallway or in the bathroom.

but i simply know that she had to be.

almost as though she was calling my name.

and that simply made me happy tonight.

now back to sorting thru one more pile of paper,

after the two garbage bins of paper i've just thrown out.

it still doesn't look like it's any less.

i'll just keep reminding myself, that each little bit

is eventually going to make a difference.

i might not see it today. or i might not see it tomorrow.

but i'll see the difference yet.

until then...

loves. much loves.

snapshots

and just a few random photos...

of the past weeks.

snapshots. here and there.

the walls and space that are soon to be my new home.

the kitchen. the dining room.

but it'll be a bit of my office room as well. i think.

i see the kitchen table.

and can see myself working there as well.

there's comfort and serentity sitting around

kitchen tables.

the living room.

with an old tiled stove.

we reckon this one is over a hundred years old as well.

the dining room again.

i love the way the light falls in thru the windows.

and outside, a cherry tree.

spring promises to be something beautiful.

and in bloom.


i believe this is what made me fall in love with the apartment

the balcony.

imagining sitting outside on summer evenings.

even on rainy days.

quiet. a glass of wine.

conversation with friends. or even just silence.


sabine and me in münchen.

at the hotel.

after a long day.


isabelle and micha

just as we were getting ready to head out

ended up being a perfect evening.

showing off omondieu!

dancing

and then coming home and sitting around the fire

outside. on a january evening.



isabelle and me

and yes, just about to head out the door.



caro and the kids.

the weekend in starnberg.

friends. and a most wonderfully beautiful family.