Excerpts of Chapters & Life... Only Love is Real

an older photo
of peggy's cove and nova scotia.
seas and shores are always
a familiar calling. a famililar longing.

sunday. evening.

a quiet sunday. a spent at home sunday.

with the exception of walks in the rain with pup

and then driving him back to where he now calls home.

and then quickly meeting with petra for a coffee,

and an awfully, delicously unhealthy quick bit to eat.

spent the morning with cups of coffee

reading a bit of this and reading a bit of that

working thru my quotes and stirring yet another project

that has lived and dwelled in the mind for much too long.

years of long.

maybe it'll never become, or maybe its time still needs to come.

but this morning we stirred the thoughts

just as i stirred in my coffee cup.

and then i read these words written below

that touch the surface and touch the heart

and touch the mind. the thought. the soul.

almost as though it struck a chord, a tender heartstring.


it was maddie that shared these words, let me find them

and to i thank her for that. for sharing,

almost like unveiling little secrets herself.


i've just poured myself a sunday evening glass of red wine,

catching myself smiling thinking of other little moments of the day,

like long afternoon phone calls,

and little messages shared.


good night. sleep tight.

"There is someone special for everyone. Often there are two or three or even four. They come from different generations. They travel across oceans of time and the depths of heavenly dimensions to be with you again. They come from the other side, from heaven. They look different, but your heart knows them. Your heart has held them in arms like yours in the moon-filled deserts of Egypt and the ancient plains of Mongolia. You have ridden together in the armies of forgotten warrior-generals, and you have lived together in the sand-covered caves of the Ancient Ones. You are bonded together throughout eternity, and you will never be alone.

Your head may interfere: "I do not know you." Your heart knows.

He takes your hand for the first time, and the memory of his touch transcends time and sends a jolt through every atom of your being. She looks into your eyes, and you see a soul companion across centuries. Your stomach turns upside down. Your arms are gooseflesh. Everything outside this moment loses its importance.

He may not recognize you, even though you have finally met again, even though you know him. You can feel the bond. You can see the potential, the future. But he does not. His fears, his intellect, his problems keep a veil over his heart's eyes. He does not let you help him sweep the veil aside. You mourn and grieve, and he moves on. Destiny can be so delicate.

When both recognize each other, no volcano could erupt with more passion. The energy released is tremendous...

...Soul recognition may be subtle and slow. A dawning of awareness as the veil is gently lifted. Not everyone is ready to see right away. There is a timing at work, and patience may be necessary for the one who sees first.

You may be awakened to the presence of your soul companion by a look, a dream, a memory, a feeling. You may be awakened by the touch of his hands or the kiss of their lips, and your soul is jolted back to life..."

Copyright © 1996 by Brian L. Weiss, M.D. from Only Love is Real

she walks on september seas...

petra. walking upon beaches and shores.

of ireland.

and i love this photo. because each and every time

its though i can smell the rain, feel the wind,

remember our silence and beautiful talks

but i think all we did was dream...

yes. although it is december.

i don't feel like i've arrived here yet. this time of the year.

i feel like i'm a few steps behind. time. september.

where has it all gone?


anyhow. saturday morning and many a thought

dancing and wandering thru the mind.

drinking a cup of coffee

[and wearing a new shirt that says "kafitante"

translated from swiss to german as kaffeetante

and what would that be in english?

ms. coffee? coffee aunt? i haven't a clue.

anyhow, a gift that i got from susanne yesterday

and i can't tell you how it made my day.

just the little things and unexpected surprises like that.]

i read thru a few blogs that i haven't read in a long while.

finding inspiration. being reminded.


but for now, i'm going to keep this short and sweet.

heading out to run a few errands. go into the office for a few hours.

and when i come back in the later of the afternoon,

lenny pup is going to be here with me. for the weekend.


and maybe. i'll come back later to write.

find a few words. share a few words.

or simply say hello.

starry starry night. far away from home.

just a quick hello.

from a holiday. far away from home.


i'm on st. john at the moment.

and as i write,

a view from my room upon cruz bay.

only hearing the tree frogs. soft lulls of the sea.

stars above me.

and a glass or two or three of wine.

saying good night.


will tell more. later.

show more later.

and until then,

blows a kiss and a sweet dream your way.


ang.

omondieu!... the angel collection

the angel collection...

i'll explain in the morning.

but may i introduce...

les anges

ps. susan.

was so so so good to hear your voice

and talk on the phone.

me misses you my dear.

we'll talk to you again tomorrow!

and hanne. i'll write you back tomorrow as well.

your note was sweetness.

blows a kiss right back.

this heart.

paris. the eiffel tower.
flowers and me.
20th of october. 2007.

i was there. and thinking of someone.



i always go there. to the trocadero.

sit on the steps. gaze amongst the people.

all these strangers.

and then this most amazing formation of structure.


and last year,

it was at that very spot that someone put a smile on my heart.

in an unknown and innocent way.

maybe something that really shouldn't matter anymore,

but it does. to me.


just before susi took this photo,

i sat on my steps where i always sit

and where i sat last summer.

wrote a message

sending my thoughts and my heart

along the way.


and as strange as it was,

i felt that i didn't have to send it far.


we went walking along the seine.

it was a most beautiful october autumn day.

carrying fresh daisies, letting our feet brush thru the leaves

and feel the wind and breeze pull and tease the hair.


we slowly found our way back to the hotel,

getting ready to say good bye to paris.

we stayed at the Hotel Thérèse this time,

but simply because Hotel Le Walt was fully booked. oh sigh.

hoping maybe next time. i made myself a promise of one day.

then slowly finding our way to the train station. back home again.

saturday night.


i did walk the streets of paris,

feeling, sensing that he could be on any given corner.


sunday a message came.

and he was there.

all it really said was

"are you still in paris?

i was at the notre dame when your message came"


same time. same city.

just a different corner.

and an indifferent heart.

glimpses.

milano. trams. and strangers.

of friendly smiling faces.

november 3rd. 2007.

i really don't know where to start.

things have been a whirlwind and standing still.

all in the same breath.

there are times that i try to reflect back on the past year and then some.

to be honest,

i'm having a hard time believing that it's november.

again. and already.


i went into town today.

dropped off the first little pieces of my new collection.

i believe i'll simply be calling it "the angel collection"

i have the sketches and the ideas in my mind,

they've been there for a long long while.

literally having seen these angels

and all the things they want to be for so long now.

and its just slowly coming together.

before i dropped the rings and earrings off to the store,

i took a few photos. preliminary photos.

i'll have to work on them once i'm back from my holidays

and once i finally get my computer back up and running.

i can't tell you the mess that is.

my computer, all my files, all my work and photographs

of the past few years are in stuttgart.

and i feel as though i'm absolutely lamed.

after klaus passed away,

i had someone go thru all his client files and domains.

i was reassured that everything was alright

including my domain.

unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

i've lost my emails. i've lost my websites.

and i don't want to think of the domino effect.

so trying to take care of that,

get everything back in my name

up and running

it still feels like i have to start from the beginning.

and to be honest,

i don't know where to start.

oh it's a long story. maybe better left unsaid at the moment.

but i'll get it figured out. find help along the way.

and one never knows. but maybe its the start

of something bigger. better.

new challenges.

the ideas and the inspirations are definitely in my mind.


anyhow,

after dropping off the flowers, running a few errands,

i headed out to the office.

just wanted to quietly get some work done

and ease the knot in my tummy about going away on holidays

there are so many deadlines at the moment,

things that need to be done.

but i haven't had holidays since i can't remember when.

just the occassional day off here and there

but those days being taken off to take care of things.

can't really be considered "days off" in the least.

and as much as it feels like the wrong time,

i need this time.

there have been a lot of things that have been leaving me uptight these days.

its all been a transition. a metamorphis.

and i think what i really have to learn,

is to accept all of this. all that has happened. and all that hasn't.

and to give myself the permission

simply to be myself.

its okay to have fallen down. and stand back up again.

to feel. to want. to need. to give.

and also to learn to take.


i didn't get home until shortly after eight pm.

made myself a bite to eat.

cheese and grapes and melon with serrano,

fresh bread and a glass of wine.

sometimes the most simple things

are the most glorious things.

got a fire started, lit the candles,

the little rituals i have.

but i missed not buying my roses today.

always one of my favourite things to do.

sometimes on wednesdays. always on saturdays.

but i still have a few from earlier on this week.

and the orchids that susanne brought back from thailand

will share the next few days with me as well.

i can't believe how long they've lasted.


anyhow.

i'm going to write the one or other note here.

and then i believe i'll pour myself another glass of wine

and maybe write a letter that i've been writing on my heart.

and between the lines of thought.

whether this letter is heard or read or felt.

that's the other question i leave myself with.

but its all a part of this growing, this learning

this becoming.

and then i'll find my way to bed,

promise myself sweet dreams

and a new day.


love,

me.

marvelous dreams.

an older photo. of a friend.

moments we capture. and frame. with a passepartout.

thought of the day...


"to achieve the marvelous,

you must do the unthinkable...,

the answer will hit, like a big psychic orgasm,

and if you listen to your dreams.

they never lie."

e. jean carroll

passage public...

a photo. from paris. taken once upon a while ago.

passage public.

hello.

it's me again.

and i don't think of how much time has passed.

since i took the time to write. to find words.

or even just really say hello

to the self.

here. with words. thoughts.

and share them with friends.

and i can't say how many times i have wanted to write

just to hold on, capture, reminisce on little moments

or simply ponderings

along the way.

there are days i feel as though language has been lost.

and there are days i feel as though a new language is being spoken.

silently. quietly.

a hopeful language. playful in her way. learning.

at times stumbling. searching for words as well.

and i almost feel as though i'm searching for words right now.

so i'll just leave this with a whisper,

just to say that things are fine.

and even in my silence

thinking of you. and missing you.

much.

ang.

finding. keeping. and sometimes losing. the heart.

reflections of passing by trains. places and faces.

after a long day. a good day. a friday. in frankfurt.

sunday. and after contemplations with the self

decided not to go back to frankfurt and the tendence today.

rather to take and enjoy the day for myself.

get things done at home.

making sketches of ideas. evoking and provoking new ideas.

drawing maps and plans. of where i want to go

and what i want to become.

and i wrote a letter. simply ramblings.

of things i felt i need to share. want to share.

laundry is in the machine. i'm about to put a package together.

and get the fleurs and a few shirts together for that sweet shop

here in baden-baden.

then maybe sort thru a few more files. or take a sunday nap.

i'm just going to let it happen today. become.


the tendence was inspiring. again.

it's almost overwhelming. the colours. the designs.

everything.

it might have been good to go back again today.

take a bit more time to see things again,

with a second glance. a different perspective.


i have all these ideas swimming in my mind right now.

new ideas. still on the same parallels

as what omondieu! has been so far.

but different. in its own sense.

i'm just hoping i can find the materials i need

and the materials i see. that what i am envisioning.

or sketching on these blank pieces of paper.

and then of course,

i hope to find the time.


yesterday i spent the day on my own. in freiburg.

again it was relaxing time. winding down time.

walks. cafés. reflections of the other sort.

i went to the one store that i so truely adore.

i wanted to speak to the owner, but she wasn't in.

also revelled in yet another flea market.

and found the one and other gem again.

cameos. again.

the matching ring to the cameo found last week.

and then yet another cameo, on a velvet band.

similiar to the idea and the necklace

that i'm working on myself these days. sans cameo.

but that's my secret. spoken between these lines.


and i also found my little deer.

have been looking for just the right ones. for a while now.

glorious kitsch. i know. i confess.

but yesterday. there they were. and i knew they were the ones.

i wish it were like this with all things in life.

the simplicity of that. of finding. of having. and appreciating.

sometimes, it doesn't always feel that easy.

and the more the heart beats for something

the further away is seems. at times.


i still didn't find the postcards or the photos

i was hoping to stumble upon.

but those will come with time. again. as well.


now it's time to get back to my sunday mullings.

of doing this and this and that.


and you know what?

i can't believe that august is almost already at her end.

i almost feel as though i don't want her to go.

not just yet.

saturday's fleamarket treasures.

cameo stories. again. of rings and velvet necklaces.

photo found at a flea market before. once upon a time ago.

oh my dear deer.

undressings.

- undressings -

she wore gowns. of velvet. and red.

the way she wanted to wear his mouth.

on her hip.

photo taken once upon a time ago. in strasbourg.

words written once upon a time ago. in the heart.

i'm tired. but i think it's the good kind of tired.

i just need a chance to sit down, slow down,

catch my breath. and even if just for a moment.

and then to simply dance forward again,

with new energy, new wind, and new inspirations.


and although back and forth at the printers today,

watching the catalogue unfold, page by page,

i allowed myself a bit of that time and space.


you know,

sometimes i think it's good to simply say thank you.

to the self.

and to the little things and the big things that make a day.

complete.


what was today about? what made me smile?


seeing someone that means the world to me

even if only just to spend an intimate fraction of time together.

and just reading back in my blog,

passing thru memories,

i realised, it's been a year to the day

that i first ever saw him. met him.

and maybe even if only on a one way street,

he's been a constant companion, in heart and thought,

the whole way through

this year of change. transition. formation.

stumbling and falling and getting back up again.


another smile was going for a coffee

simply with the self.

just taking the time to do so. finding the time to do so.

alone.

something i've neglected the past while.


so when i left the printers [again], i just drove into town.

there's a most beautiful flower shop that i've often seen

even before moving here to baden-baden.

i've always had the intent of stepping in, taking a look.

but the rare and few occassions i make it into town,

the shop is usually closed.

so i did that today. and i'm glad i did.

the owner and i started talking,

and then i suddenly saw my fleurs in her store. envisioned them,

like an inspiring moment.

i mentioned that and found her curious, interested.

she told me to call her

and we can make an appointment for next week,

in the evening when the shop is closed and i'm "home" from work.

she'd love to take a look at the collections.

and stepping through the door on the way out, i found myself smiling. again.


i walked down to garibaldi's and sat down to grab that cup of coffee.

pulled out my book, my pen

and simply wrote

words.

and feelings. and thoughts.

sometimes i think that writing this down

is like engraving it in stone.

you make it real. you make it forever.

and just like writing this,

about the good things. you make it all the more true.


when i came home,

i started to put a few fleurs together

scattered on the living room floor.

and i spoke with petra on the phone. i miss her these days.

i miss our coffees and time and talks together.

i miss her and the girls just not being down the road.

it's in that sense, that this city just hasn't yet become home.

hard to explain. or to articulate those thoughts.


back to the printers again later in the evening,

to say yes and give the go ahead to the title and cover pages.

i think i took a deep breath at that moment

and made a wish saying...

be good to me. be good.


and home again to find more words,

these words.

and simply hold the things that make me smile

make me feel good.

and make me say thank you.

for days like today.

it's late. and it's raining outside.

and it's a beautiful sound to say good night to.

treasures of a day.

the cameo. a treasure of the day.

dahlias. the most beautiful dahlias.

lush. playful. and temptingly innocent.

the pillow. i couldn't resist.
"schau mich bitte nicht so an"
sweet sweet sweet.
please don't look at me like that...

from patti.

one of the two angels hanging from my window,

swinging on the finest organza.

lavender. i forgot that i finally got my lavender.
yesterday.


the cameo. my precious cameo.

champagne coloured pearls. paint chapped.

perfect imperfections.

those are the most beautiful things.

eclipse. reclipse.

reflecting of saturday. on sunday.

yesterday was spent with patti.

we weren't really sure what we were going to do with our day.

we contemplated freiburg.

or maybe going walking - thru hills and valleys.

or maybe simply going to strasbourg

or why did paris have to feel so far away for a saturday afternoon?


so instead, we just decided to go into lahr,

and then see where and how the day carries us.

as we were driving in,

i made a wish to her, saying i would want a flea market to be

a part of the day.

i need more old postcards. and old photos.

like secrets told from a stranger's past.

and you can close your eyes, and almost hear them

as whispers.

or sometimes, i almost see it as a promise,

to keep those secrets alive,

and never let their moments be forgotten.

we stopped off at isabelle's first

just to say hello.

and then the wish was granted

flea market. right there. before us.

i didn't find my old postcards nor my old photos

but instead, other treasures were found.

and it's those little things, the unexpected things,

that put the biggest smile on the face.

flowers from the market.

an old pillow, embroidered by hand.

i so had to laugh when i read the words stitched,

and it was love at first sight.

yes, those things happen with me. with the strangest of things.

like pillows. tea cups. and tea pots. candlesticks.

and i think the most precious things i have

are like these little treasures found.

for a penny non the less. figuratively speaking.

we wandered around a bit more.

the next little gem being a necklace.

champagne coloured pearls, old and paint chapped.

i reckon it's maybe from the sixties.

put an image in my mind of a lady that might have worn it.

she had brown hair, audrey hepburn style hair.

wearing a black dress. prim. proper.

feminine. and with her pearls.

and i think she looked like my mother.

i held it in my hand, then wrapped it around my neck.

one euro. how could i say no.

the other thing that i was looking for,

and patti knew as well,

is an old rosary. to drape around the corner of my bed.

i'm not catholic. i rarely go to church.

but belief, faith, spirit, hope, prayer

are important and intimate things to me.


patti had already wandered a bit further,

and found the one or other rosary.

she showed them to me, but they just weren't right.

i know what it's too look like. because i've already seen it in my mind.

and i know i'll find it. or it'll find me.

i truely believe, these things seek you. find you.

and sometimes, maybe, even speak to you.


but then i found her. the cameo.

she was small. fragile. almost hidden.

but again, she was familiar. as though i had met her before.

and did i fall in love again?

yes.

it's hard to say how old she is. and i do wonder about her stories.

but strangely, as i found her, or as i wear her and touch her,

it's mom that comes to mind.

[by the way. happy happy birthday my lovely one!]


after that, we decided to go to offenburg.

quickly walked thru the farmer's market

and although i had already bought my roses for the week,

found the most beautiful dahlias i think i've ever seen.

a bouquet for patti. a bouquet for me.

that's the way it was meant to be.


offenburg.

just wandered the streets.

shopping is definitely something that should be forbidden at the moment,

but as we were heading off to get a coffee at schoellmann's

[not really my favourite place, but it has the most beautiful view of the rhein valley,

of the wineyards and hills and rooftops]

we stopped at h&m to take a peek.

the result?

a black trench coat because we're in the midst of august

and i really really need one.

can we tell i'm trying to convince myself?

seriously, it's exactly what i had hoped for. and wanted.

and with my beret that i brought back from dublin

it's absolutely perfect.

then a black turtleneck because i can never ever have enough.

i had hoped to find a pair of marlene dietrich styled pants.

and of course, in black.

as isabelle and patti know, that's been my mission for weeks upon weeks.

i'm usually found wearing dresses - winter, spring, summer or fall

but the right pair of pants, a turtleneck or a fitted blouse.

and of course a trench coat...

voilá!

but it wasn't to be had at h&m.

so we did finally grab coffee. enjoyed a bite to eat.

i just kept looking to the wineyards and hills and dreamt a little dream

and couldn't help but just think of how perfect and how simple

that very moment could be.

but that's always the way it is. the simple things. the little things.

and i kept touching my cameo. and smile.

we decided to wander thru a few more stores and then

slowly find our way home.

and just as things might have it. in the last store,

and the most unexpected store,

there were my marlene dietrich pants. in black.

now this might sound like - as they say in german - a real tussie.

but i'm not. honest. truely. smiles and grins at herself.

i like the unusual. elegant. at times eccentric.

i like playful. i like classical.

i prefer the black and white.

vintage. modern. and blended together.

what my style statement might be, i can't really say.

tamara could probably say it, call it best.

but when i say, that there's rarely a piece in my wardrobe

that costs more than twenty euro

no one ever believes me.

that too, are things that make me smile.

[inherited from my mommy dear]

i find these deals and steals. or they find me.

but it's like the beret for an euro.

or a hundred year old bed for ten euro

and in the same breath

and without the wink of an eye,

i'll buy a coffee cup, handmade and of porcellaine,

for more than a dress has ever cost.

that's just me. of all the contradictions and all.


we did finally find our way home.

another cup of coffee at patti's. and then the angel she herself is,

a facial as well.

i adore you for that my dear.

but it's all the other little things i adore you for.

mostly just for being you.


left patti's and met with isabelle at the arena.

just a quick coffee. a quick talk. just finding a bit of time together.

and then i found myself coming home.

at first i thought i was still going to make it back out to freiburg

and to see elisabeth.

but the day left me tired.

it was the winding down after weeks of good,

however, long days and long nights at work.

it was taking time for the self again.

and for the first time in a long time,

it felt good to be alone.

just to reflect. just to think. just to take a deep deep breathe.

a glass of wine. the couch.

paper and pen in hand

and writing down wishes, goals, destinations.

maybe like drawing a map. yes. to a treasure chest.

sometimes i think that itself is the secret.

the beautiful secret. of life.

that was saturday.

and now sunday is about to bid itself farewell.

do i write about that now too?

smiles...

this and this and that. that and that and this.

so i don't write, or come by to visit

for what feels like a day and a year.

and then i come with this and this and that.

and that and that and this.

but i believe that this too, is part of the metamorphism.

if it can be said as such.

there are so many moments and fractions of the past months,

that i would love to recollect. capture and hold here.

dana's visit. tamara's visit. emotions of the heart.

the fragile moments. the strong moments.

letting go and holding on.

visions. dreams. hopes.

inspirations.

but those are moments of the past.

and in my own precious way. i hold on to them

with their own intimacy.

and i promise to catch up. soon.

with letters and conversations that need to be written

and spoken.

to friends that gave me their patience,

again and again and again.

and never ever stopped believing. or letting go. reaching out.

[and gaylene. finding the little signs, the little heartbeats you left behind

i can't tell you what that meant. even in all my silence.

those words will catch up soon. i miss you.]

anyhow. the moment is now. and that's what matters.

and it's about all the words that are still yet to be written

as it is about all the moments that are yet to be lived.

maybe it's like starting a new book. new pages.

so that's where i'll start. the present tense.

or at least continuations of those.

and these photos?

simply of one of my favourite shops around here.

one of the most beautiful shops around here.

haus nr. 13 is what it's called. in offenburg.

alex has carried the omondieu! collections

almost since the beginning days.

something i truely appreciate.

but it wasn't until recently, that she started to carry

the poesie collection as well.

clothing wasn't something that she had shown in the store.

but damn, if i say so myself, it looks absolutely perfect,

absolutely lovely

in the midsts of all her other gems and treasures.

she's in the midsts of moving the shop right now.

a few streets down the road.

and i can't wait to see how the shirts will look then.

and hopefully, the new collection of rings

that have been dancing in my mind

will be brought to life soon

so they can share their magic there too.

yes, it's all coming back.

step by step.

on earth without maps.

I'm afraid I waste the light on the

paintings and on writing these words.

We die. We die rich with lovers and

tribes, tastes we have swallowed,

bodies we have entered and swum up

like rivers, fears we have hidden in

like this wretched cave.

I want all this marked on my body.

We are the real countries, not the

boundaries drawn on maps with the

names of powerful men.

I know you will come and carry me

out into the palace of winds, the rumors

of water. That's all I've wanted -

to walk in such a place with you,

with friends,

on earth without maps.

-Michael Ondaatje-

The English Patient

opening up.

i did it again. it's been a while since i've written.

and although the intention has been there.

things have just been busy with work.

the next catalogue is finished. friday it was all brought to the printer.

and i'm happy with it. looking forward to it.

and the results it'll bring.

and life. it's still had its moments.

at times, i still feel kind of shaky with things,

trying to find my ground again.

and at times, things feel larger than life again.

i haven't really talked about the past months at all.

that was my silence here.

but aside from all the changes that life had brought in the past year,

one of the final chapters of change

was losing a person that had been the centerpiece of my life

for the past almost seventeen years.

the centerpiece. in good ways. in bad ways.


i had made the decision to leave klaus last year in april.

it was a decision that took courage, was a few years in the making

just to take that final step.

due to various circumstances, we still lived together

until i moved out in march.

the last months, the last weeks before moving - those were tender.

each had gone their separate ways. lived apart from one another.

took on new experiences. changed. stood still. but not together.

there wasn't much said. we just cast our shadows in occassional hellos.

but after moving. friendship was regained.

we spoke alot. he helped me with things

as much as he could. and in his own way.

strangely, those were the things he never really did while we were together.

i used to say, i felt more alone with him, than if i really were on my own. alone.

i think there came a point when both of us took much forgranted.

we misunderstood things. between us. for us. because of us.


back in may, i flew out to dublin for a couple of days.

a small break before heading into the last leg of the project at work.

we spoke a couple of times while i was away,

we texted back and forth, had a few laughs.

but i also received a text message from his best friend,

telling me that he had just spent a couple of hours

talking on the phone with klaus.

something that could almost be called, girlie talk.

he told me that between every word and every line spoken,

klaus kept saying how much he missed me.

and when kuno asked him why he didn't just tell me,

he simply said

"i don't know. i don't want to lose her.

she's all that i have. and i just can't show her how much she means."

and when i flew back on a thursday morning,

kuno was at the airport to pick me and the girls up.

we talked about that phone call again.

i took it to heart, but in the same breath,

i shrugged and said

"those are the things he needed to tell me. to show me.

i don't think i can open up and take those words in right now.

i think it's too late now."

but as i drove home, i called him.

we simply talked about this. about that. talked about the dog.

he asked if i was going to come by later and i said i would.

he wasn't sure if he'd be home, wanted to go and play a round of golf.

now i can smile when i say this, but that was always yet another issue between us.

so i reckoned, there really wasn't any point in heading out to meissenheim

or to visit him afterall, if neither him or pup were going to be there.

i had an appointment in lahr, stopped to visit isabelle for a coffee afterwards,

and decided to drive home. but i was restless.

even isabelle had asked what was with me. why i was so tense.

and just before i was about to turn off on the autobahn,

i found myself driving straight on.

i tried calling him. he didn't answer. neither at home or on the mobile.

and when i pulled into the driveway, i found it strange that his car was there.

walked in, pup met me at the door.

we simply cuddled as we always did and then to go see klaus.

reckoned he'd be on the couch, as he always was.

and that is where i found him.

i thought he was sleeping. but i think at that instant i already knew.

i took a deep breath. and simply said his name again and again.

quietly. questioning. and with each time i said it,

i think i whispered a prayer saying "wake up. please. just wake up."

it's a moment that often plays in my mind.

again and again.

it felt like forever until the police and the ambulance came.

i don't think i gave up hoping and praying until the moment

when the doctor said, "there's nothing we can do"

and that's when it first really felt like a part of my world crumbled before me.

they had moved him to the floor, and i just layed there beside him

held him. spoke with him. cradled him.

i remember hoping that maybe he could still feel that, sense that

and know that he wasn't alone. not in that moment. not ever in a moment before.

his family came over. isabelle and petra came over as well.

and the girls took care of things for me. built a wall around me.

everything was numb. surreal.

much of the next days were a blur.

i don't know what i would have done without isabelle or petra or achim.

but what i'm thankful for,

is that things were good between us. we were at peace.

for all that was left unspoken, it was still all known.

just silently spoken.

so much is clear now these days.

and i still speak with him often.

sometimes i smile. and i'll admit,

sometimes i feel angry at him. for just leaving like that.

but i know he even understands those moments.

i can see him, the way he prolly just rolls his eyes and thinks

"oh, let her be. let angi just be angi. she'll get over it."

because that's the way it always was.


so klaus. this is for you.

i miss you. and i'm thankful for you.

with all the good. all the bad. all the smiles. all the tears.

and i'm doing okay. i'm finding my way back.

i realise, that all this had to be. this is part of the path

part of the treasure map as we walk our way thru life.

and i thank you for being my friend. for being my family.

my constant companion and

for being my centerpiece

all these years.

i hope you're doing okay too.


love.

me.

the apartment. these days

sunday morning roses. picked fresh.

glimpse of the dining room.

took the camera in the hand today.

inspired by tamara i suppose. and taking my own first photos

of my apartment. since moving in.

simply fragments. glimpses. fractions.

because that's how this home is evolving.

bit by bit.

a new start. a new chapter.

and those are the things i have yet to write about.

the original intentions of visiting here today.

but for now,

i'll simply share this. in fractions.

reflections. mirrored reflections.

in the dining room.

the bathroom.

of orchids. white towels. and mirrors.


some of my most favourite things.

a coffee bowl turned vase for summer flowers.

porcellan from angela johe and margitta hildebrand


a glimpse of the living room.

the tiled oven and fireplace.

more living room glimpses.

my baroque mirrors. my cherub candleholder.

a treasure brought back from amsterdam. in march.

the balcony.

and my first clematis that i planted. and it grew.

it's almost symbolic for me in a way.

an old birdcage, found at a flea market

and below a garden of green. lush summer green.

up the stairs and enter the bedroom.

there's a precious sensation

each and everytime i walk these stairs.

it's of space. of light. of intimacy.

and at night, lying in bed, gazing out the window beside the bed

let's me wish upon the stars and sleeping satellites...

yes, that little pink bird on the nighttable

keeps her watchful eye on me.

made by the one and only and ever so lovely alicia paulson

from posie - rosy little things.

fresh roses picked on a sunday morning

little tealights that flicker each night.

my bed is something special to me.

for stories told. maybe even stories to be told.

[said with a wink of the eye. and a smile on the face.]

i first spoke of her here

and then again here.

and to this day, i think she's become my centerpiece.

in a personal way.

a symbolic way.

and just a few of the books

that are being read. in fragments and fractions as well.

inspirations. stories. memories. hopes. dreams.

writing. reading. absorbing.

we all have something to say.