Saturday, July 08, 2006
eiffel tower and laundromats.
it's been two days since the boys have left.
there's been waves of emotions happening since then as well.
missing them. but also enjoying the quiet within these walls.
much like what's happening within this heart as well.
i had promised myself a productive day yesterday,
finding the modus back to work.
there are fleurs to be made and sent off.
always something that gives a warm and good feeling inside.
as though, i'm planting seeds in unknown gardens,
and waiting to see by whom and where they are discovered.
yesterday ended up not being as productive as i had hoped.
i did manage to get the one resume for new york finished and sent.
and as said, whether this is something i'm pursuiting
to actually find myself in that city
or simply doing this for a closure
or releasing a new energy,
and putting thought and dreams into action?
i am still not sure.
i did phone the headhunter to express my interest
in yet another meeting with the owner of the company.
strange perhaps, that they were awaiting my interest first?
is it not normally the other way around?
he returned with another call shortly after,
saying that they were pleased to hear my response.
i am to call the owner of the company on monday,
and make arrangements for the next meeting with him personally.
there are things about the position that interest me, intrigue me.
in abstract and distant ways,
it could very well still be of benefit to me and my business.
contacts, inspiration and finally proper displays for retailers?
however mostly, yes, the experience.
if the position does work out, and i accept the role,
or am offered the role,
there'll be a lot of weight on the shoulders.
being solely responsible for another man's vision
and in that sense, his money matters.
whether i can take the business off the ground for him.
but there'll also be the ease, knowing it's exactly
what i am doing with my own business,
however, actually receiving a cheque at the end of the month.
maybe that's inspiration within itself as well?
it does mean hard times before me,
maybe not just hard times, but "less" time.
finding the balance between the two.
but it's a part of the plan
and a part of the transition, the change.
and i know it'll open doors to other things.
contacts. experience. and inspiration.
new challenges upon the self
money to set the other ideas and projects,
ever so patiently waiting,
so let's see if it happens. and what becomes.
i just find it strange, that from all the resumes i've sent
there hasn't been a "thank you but no thank you" received,
nor a "we ask you to be patient as we review the submissions"
or anything of the likes.
this is the one and only company that has responded,
and without putting too much weight on the matter,
or reading between the lines,
maybe that is a good sign right there?
alex from girl at play
wrote a beautifully amazing email yesterday.
excerpts from her chronicles
hullo, summer. hullo, simplicity.
and reading those words, i smiled,
just knowing, that for us all,
there is this transition in the air.
and we simply have to take the leap,
have the faith,
and learn to fly along the way.
someone once told me,
that the unfamiliar is the best thing we can discover.
simply because it means, we've never ever been there before.
the familiar is the pattern, the routine
and what keeps us standing still.
paris already feels so far away.
this morning, having my coffee,
i was wishing i was back in the tribeca café
on 65 rue de charonne. in paris.
and these photographs, in their own small ways,
are of two moments and memories
that translate what paris and life were to me that day.
the eiffel tower and laundromats.
last night, there were many talks on the phone,
with mom. with isabelle.
and yes, there were many thoughts on the mind as well.
i have to admit, i was sensitive skin yesterday.
maybe not just yesterday, but the past weeks.
i feel tender. transparent. and maybe vulnerable.
there's the change that has been evolving
and maybe at times it's frightening
and as isabelle so beautifully said,
it's the unravelling of the knots.
for too long, i've tied knots within the heart,
maybe a sense of protection, self-preservation.
but i've started to unravel these knots
over the past months
and that's the painful release of it all.
weaving thru them, combing thru them.
tearing at them. simply to unravel and open again.
and i think the one thing i'm most grateful for
are my friends.
those that unravel these knots with me.
it's one thing i'm truely am thankful for.
usually i find myself being there for them,
with words, or simply silent understanding,
and now for me to be allowed to show my weakness
and have them as tightly woven blankets wrapped around me
is something so cherished.
and reminds me, that is the authenticy and honesty in it all.
being allowed to be strong.
and in the same breath,
being allowed to be weak.
small intermission, patti had just come by
for a saturday morning cup of coffee.
anyhow. last night i finally found a sense of calm,
and found myself writing on paper
of hopes, wishes and dreams to come true.
isabelle and i came to the conclusion,
it's time to start a new book
and a book, that only holds the good things within
its handwritten pages.
maybe a part of the letting go.
even if exactly all i'm trying to let go of,
was exactly what was accompanying me in my dreams
through out the night.
i awoke to those thoughts
and a text message from isabelle
asking if i'm up already.
i called her saying yes, but still snuggled
between my pillows and blankets.
she was still snuggled in her own bed too,
and missing someone ever so much.
[maybe this is when i should mention
that between the brother and my dearest friend
a bit of a love story has evolved?]
so we decided we'll meet for coffee later on,
go shopping to get myself that new book, for new chapters
and simply talk.
her final words on the phone were,
you'll hear from "him" today,
and i knew she meant the one,
that sends me sweet messages every other day,
even when in paris, and sitting at the eiffel tower.
so i poured myself a coffee,
and decided that maybe i'll take a moment and write instead.
just to say hello,
and wish him a lovely time in paris. as he was on his way.
and that i was wishing, i could be there too.
in my café, watching secret and foreign stories unfold.
but just as i was about to write,
there was already a "good morning" waiting for me.
and i found that rather sweet.
so in my reply, i simply said,
yes, maybe next week we should finally meet
for a glass of wine he's so often talked about?
and the answer in return was
not just maybe, but we will meet.
how does wednesday evening sound?
at his place, sitting outside by the stream?
and yes. i will honestly confess,
it did leave a smile on the face.
i think most simply looking forward to the conversation
and the simplicity of a summer evening.
that is a word that means much to me these days.
but now it's time to do something within this house.
cleaning, like a cleansing.
and maybe more purging.
just like the letting go.
and i really should be getting back to the fleurs,
maybe a bit later on.
after coffee with isabelle.
anke called and asked if i'd come by in the afternoon,
and patti thought maybe a swim in her pool,
might be a perfect saturday lazy too.
tomorrow we want to go walking together as well,
through the morning lush green and dew dropped woods.
and today just feels lighter,
and much like the soft breeze
coming thru the open window,
i can inhale. and exhale.
contradictions and parallels.
much like the eiffel tower