Friday, July 21, 2006

modigliani and his women

Portrait of Mme Hanka Zborowska

Amedeo Modigliani

where this title, or just the thought came to mind,

i can't even begin to tell you.

sitting in my "atelier" or whatever it is you want to call my workspace,

distracting myself with other thoughts,

as i play with my fleurs,

putting a small and sweet collection together

for a small and sweet shop. just down the road from here.

and in the blur of the last days,

or even of just the morning.

much of the past days has been about conversation,

and in today's faster than faster changing world,

conversations on phone, text messages, sms and email,

cups of coffee conversations

and one two three glasses of wine conversations.

and i've needed these conversations.

the listening. the speaking. and even the silence in conversations.

but it's about the understanding, the opening and spilling,

the giving and the taking.

of words. thoughts. emotions. dreams. fears.

but yes, that is what the past days have been.

simply conversation.

and today, i'm on my i've stopped counting now cup of coffee,

vowed to the self, not to stop working until this collection is finished,

and i won't even start in confessing,

how really far behind i am with all things called work.

however i believe that these phases too, must simply be.

everything these days evolves around change.

change of the body. change of the direction.

change of the heart. change of the thoughts.

things evolve, because we need to embrace change into our lives.

one step at a time.

and as overwhelming as it is.

and even in the moments when things feel as though they are standing still,

quietly, silently still,

it is part of the evolving as well.

we might not be taking the next step ourselves,

yet something, someone, somewhere is taking a step

that leads to our next step.

i'm even finding it hard to follow my own train of thought

but isn't this just the way the mind and all these thoughts

really entwine and weave themselves.

fragments. as they are spoken, or written.

it's three pm and the news just came on the radio.

and i found myself smiling. softly.

because that voice speaking right now,

is the voice i'll be speaking with, in a few hours.

in conversation. and with a good glass of wine.

or two.

an evening, that i'm very much looking forward to.

and without speaking too soon,

it does appear that i'll be taking on the new position,

as of the first of september.

i still haven't really absorbed the last phone call this morning,

when the question finally brought it all to the point,

asking if i'll say yes and we can meet next week to finalize the contract.

maybe i've been putting too much thought into things,

whether this is really the position i want, or need.

almost as though seeking excuses for the self.

but in parallels and in other abstract ways,

it's almost a perfect connection between the new challenge,

and my own business.

and regardless of the responsibility behind this all,

there's the learning experience.

and i simply have to embrace it as that.

and whatever doors it opens next.

so in all the laziness of a much too hot summer day outside,

the slow awakening of an evening out last night with a dear friend,

chilled, perfect rosé wine and yes, much conversation.

still thinking of kim's words as she said,

"so i decided to pray to mary instead.

you know, she's a woman, so i reckoned she'd understand"

i have to burst out laughing.

bless her for that one.

and what it was, that i really wanted to say

calling this modigliani and his women,

i can't even say myself now.

but maybe that's exactly it.

we are all a canvas of ourselves.

in all the colour, the endless imagination.

we create our own portraits,

and life.

just the way we want them to be.

in a way, that only we can see.

and that's part of the beauty,

in understanding who and all the gloriously wonderful things

we are.


susanna said...

Congratulations on your new job, Angela! Whoo hoo! And have I told you lately how gifted you are with words? So many of your thoughts in this post mirror my thoughts here, thousands of miles away. Your phrase "we might not be taking the next step ourselves, yet something, someone, somewhere is taking a step that leads to our next step" is perfect. I'm going to have to write that one down on paper and tack it to my bulletin board in my painting room. Hmmm...maybe I should create an entirely new board and call it The Omondieu Board... :)

Rrramone said...

What awesome words. I needed to read them today. Thank you, and hope you are well! :-)


Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

you are like a summer breeze, refreshing and promising, here is to having a glass of wine with you soon!