Sunday, December 31, 2006

love. simpy love.

i can't believe that another year has come.

and gone.

today, i need to take time to sit down with a quiet moment,

reflect on what the past year has been. what it has brought.

but also on my wishes for the new year.

not so much resolutions. but wishes. hopes. dreams.

and just drinking sunday morning coffee,

i stumbled across these words. a quote.

from mother teresa.

and i think it says it all. beautifully. and honestly.

i have found the paradox,

that if you love until it hurts,

there can be no more hurt,

only more love.

- mother teresa -

and maybe that's one of my wishes for the new year.

love. simply love.

[photograph found once upon a time

at a flea market.

a moment in a strangers life.

forgotten and found again.]

Saturday, December 30, 2006

words. written on the heart.

i have been wanting to write. and write.

and not finding the words. or finding the time.

maybe it's better said,

of not speaking the words. or taking the time.

but i just read thru my mails from yesterday

and finding carrie & danielle's always lovely friday focus.

it inspired me. deeply.

even if i just find a few words to whisper right here and now.

and the first words that came to mind?

lightness. gratitude. clarity.

beauty. elegance. femininity.

abundance. passion. love. wealth.

respect. courage. discover. decision.

determination. faith. belief. wisdom.

radiance. honesty.

which are the words that you need written on the heart?

Sunday, November 26, 2006

sunday eclipses...

there's much i want to say. to share.

but it's hard finding the words

as i'm trying to place them in a language

spoken between the mind. and the heart.

seeking translations. and understandings.

bitter and sweet it is.

words that dance in the mind?

hope. doubt.

and hope again.

love. passion. yearning. missing.

desire. hurt. confusion. clarity.

spoken. unspoken.

fragile. strong. enduring.

waiting. patience. impatience.

and i need the word hope again.

which words speak your language today?

and in the midsts of all of this,

just a few eclipses of sunday

and of isabelle and i.

simply being the girls, the dear friends we are.

Monday, November 20, 2006

packing pieces of china.


it's been a while. again.

in the one breath, there's so much to say.

and in the next breath, there's not much to say at all.

things are turning in circles.

much like a merry go round.

there is motion

moments of happy glee,

yet the feet don't feel like they are on the ground.

but for now,

just a short update.

work is keeping me busy.

and it's usually late late night until i find my way home.

whatever few hours of the day that i have had for myself,

i spend with friends over a coffee or a glass of wine.

and i still haven't found the home i'm looking for.

have checked out a few more apartments

and some have proven nice.

but there hasn't been one that left me saying,

this is it. this is home. this is where i am.

so i'll continue looking. waiting. hoping.

much like with other things in life.

and when you're the queen of impatience as i am,

the waiting isn't always an easy game.

tonight was one of the first evenings in a long while

that i actually spent at home.

put together some shirts that i hope to drop off at a store tomorrow

took care of a few random emails.

and i don't dare confess how behind i am on those.

and i packed a box.

of old dishes and china. from klaus' mother.

there's not much i'm taking with me from here,

and yet i have the longing and the need to take these

as the remnants of what i'm leaving behind.

maybe in a sense,

because these don't symbolise anything between us.

rather i simply think they're pretty. the vintage.

soft flowers and traces of gold.

numbers stamped on the back of the plates.

but just packing the box

was a symbolism for myself.

and just where i am these days.

learning to focus. learning to let go.

learning to welcome all the new.

and yes, sometimes that means,

packing pieces of old china.

as fragile and precious as they are.



Wednesday, November 01, 2006

opening new doors.

made a phone call yesterday

regarding an apartment in offenburg.

four rooms in an old house.

although i fear it's not the art nouveau style i'm hoping for.

first floor and two balconies.

of all the phone calls i made yesterday,

this call left the best gut instinct with me.

the gentleman sounded friendly, polite.

no frills or fuss.

and today he called saying he would be in offenburg

and if i like, i can come to view the apartment.

i have my fingers crossed.

offenburg is just down the road from here,

so that still means one hundred kilometers to work

one way.

there's yet another apartment i want to view

however i have to send a letter to a cipher number

to meet the selection.

that one would be in baden-baden

that would be exactly half the distance i travel now

so close enough to work

and still close enough to here

where my friends and hence family are.

i've manifested my list of what i want my new home to be.

and that's what i'm hoping for

is simply to walk into doors

and know this is what i've been looking for

waiting for.

i have my fingers and my heart crossed.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

the weeks. the days.

hello. it has been a while.

hasn't it?

i wouldn't even know where to begin,

tracing steps back over the past weeks.

it's been a dance, a symphony,

and at times, bitter and sweet.

work has been keeping me busy.

things are taking more and more of format

in being able to see the big picture

of how things should be. could be.

and maybe that's me speaking

professionally and personally.

there have been so many times,

i've written words in this space,

even if simply in the mind.

moments and stories that i've wanted to share.

the words just not finding their way,

carved into the black and white of keyboard writings.

today was finally a day spent at home,

a bit overwhelming to be honest.

trying to tackle projects and work,

paper piles of work.

trying to tackle boxes of things to be purged

and things to be packed

for the new apartment yet to be found.

i haven't even been able to find the space

in time for that project of mine.

and may i confess, leaving me restless as well.

but there were also conversations on the phone today,

conversations with dear friends

and those are moments that mean much too.

elisabeth and susan and isabelle

and receiving sweet messages and not receiving sweet messages.

the constant game of waiting

or taking one step in to take one step back.

last weekend i made my way to paris.

a weekend on my own with time to think,

wonder and ponder,

sit in cafés and watch life dance by.

there's a beauty and a mystery and a secret in that city.

it can leave you feeling so inspired

larger than life

and yet so small and humble.

it's a city that lets you dream

makes you wish and leaves you yearning.

and there were times i was sitting there,

and then realising it's like a dream come true.

regardless how often i've visited

and for all the times i hope to visit again.

but once upon a time,

i was a little girl that dreamt of this city,

and never would have imagined the days,

that i simply find myself in her cascade,

simply because there's a lull of the heart

as though calling my name.

the past week of work had me back in paris again.

if just for the day.

wednesday was wiesbaden

and thursday was meant to be wiesbaden as well

however driving back wednesday evening,

simply because i knew i more than needed that day at the office,

and friday had me up at two thirty am

on my way to stuttgart to grab a flight at four am

on the plane at seven am just to say bon jour again.

with work taken care of, there was time to grab the metro

and find myself back at the eifel tower

simply because i need to absorb her,

each and every time.

and it was almost as though,

i kept hoping that someone could feel that moment too,

know i was there,

making a wish, thinking a thought.

grabbed myself a coffee and headed back to the airport,

convinced again to miss the flight.

and it was close, it would have been damn close,

and for the second time in my life,

i was so relieved to see the words "delayed".

life has a strange way of showing she's on your side at times.

and as i'm saying good night to sunday

making my own wishes for the week before,

trying to manifest, envision and see with clarity

and all the good faith that things will get done,

and beautifully find their way of unfolding,

it's like saying good morning

to a brand new day.

Monday, October 09, 2006

love. passion. yearning. courage.

love. passion. yearning. courage.

maybe the words of the weekend.

and for that i can thank my friends

for being a part of all that

and bringing these words back into my life.

i have been meaning to write for the past few weeks.

there's been motion in life

and nothing feels like it's standing still.

and as the saying goes,

the only constant in life is change itself.

the weekend was filled with each and every emotion

of highs and lows.

mostly of highs.

friday night and going out with the girls

dancing into the early wee hours of the morning.

after a few hours of sleep,

isabelle and sabine and myself heading out to freiburg.

just wandering thru the cobblestone streets

having coffee here and there

and then meeting with elisabeth for more coffee here and there.

it was a weekend of hearing a voice for the first time

and yet knowing it's an ever spoken familiar voice.

it was a weekend of waiting to hear from a voice

and feeling the pain in not hearing it.

maybe that's the yearning itself.

and it was about showing the courage,

to reach out to voices. the new and the old.

sunday had me and elisabeth in mannheim and in heidelberg.

out shopping for fabric at a market in mannheim

and then stopping off to catch the designers' exhibit in heidelberg.

angela johe was exhibiting there as well

and i haven't seen her in much too long.

she has always been one of my favourite porcelain artists

and i had her work as a constant exhibit in my gallery

back in earlier days.

there's a small but growing collection of her work in my home.

and it was so good seeing her again,

because angela has this presence that can simply captivate a room.

there's something gentle, however radiating.

calm, inspiring and yet exhilirating about her. sensual.

we took a few moments getting caught up with hellos

and the travels and moments that life has been bringing our way.

losing myself in her new work and designs,

and her showing me the new [coffee] bowls.

angela smiled, looked at me and said

"these are exactly where you are"

the coffee bolds that had the simple words

liebe. leidenschaft. sehnsucht. mut.

written one by one on each of the bowls.

and i knew they had to be

something like a gift to the self.

and as i sit here,

writing and thinking, maybe speaking a little hope,

i'm sipping and stirring my coffee

from a bowl

that has the little message of courage

written inside.

reminding me that life is always about exactly this.

the love. the passion. the yearning. the courage.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

this next

so yes, as i'm working on catching up on emails...

found kristopher having written,

that she mentioned the poesie collection here

on the this next blog.


you are absolutely fabulous!

muwah! and blows a kiss your way!

welcome thursday

it's thursday and late morning.

and i've forgotten what these days feel like,

being at home, pacing the day with the work before you.

tomorrow i'll be back in the office,

however also looking forward to a very long weekend.

and hopefully getting caught up with work. with rest. with play.

the past couple of days left me absolutely knackered.

tuesday night out with the girls for dinner

and expecting an early evening.

found me home by one in the morning

but then finding emails from tamara,

that there's been a bit of a stir with our clooney collection.

yes, yes. george clooney for president.

apparently there was some more media hits

and we concluded the perfect time

to bring in a few more new styles.

i think bed finally found me by three am

only to be up again at five am and on my way to work.

i didn't get back from pforzheim until about seven pm

and although i was hoping for other plans to unfold that evening,

i stopped off at isabelle's as we had a bit of work to do.

home by eight thirtyish in the evening

and that's when the late shift started,

getting the new shirts for Mr. Clooney up on the website,

and having a few personal sessions of cursing out loud.

and that's also the moment i decided

i needed to treat myself to something too.

so the shirt above is the one i'll be flirting and flaunting.

it was my anniversary yesterday,

so a treat to the self well deserved.

my anniversary of coming to germany,

a few too many years ago.

i don't even dare think of how long it's been.

and one of the other thoughts in my mind,

is an email that tamara sent me the other day.

an email, that was in between our conversations

over the new year.

an email, in which we were telling each other

our dreams and hopes and wishes for the year to come.

and it was almost mind altering,

thinking about how many of these things had come true,

or are even still changes in the happening.

many of them are still bubbles that dance in the air,

but just seeing this list,

was almost a confirmation that dreams can come true.

and every now and then,

i think we all need to write it down, manifest this within,

and like a treasure map, hide and bury it away

with a bit of time and space and distance.

and then on one fine day further down the road,

follow the map and see the paths we've taken.

what we've left behind, and how far we've really come.

maybe that's the way we should see life.

not so much the road map before us,

but make it our own personal treasure map.

just silly random thoughts on a thursday,

with a cup of coffee on my side.

and more hopes for all the things to come.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

wild horses...

"i'd like to call you my wild horse

and feed you silver sage"

excerpts from jewel.

a thought, and a poem, lyrics,

totally irrelevant to my chain of thought

however it simply came to mind.

and to be honest,

i don't even know why i'm here,

or what it was that i wanted to write about.

maybe simply random thoughts,

and sprawl them out in the black and white of words.

the past week again,

has been a come and go.

tuesday and wednesday found me in düsseldorf

and once again, sabine travelling with me.

this time, unlike the trip to leipzig

or the trip to hamburg the previous week,

there was no plane to [almost] miss.

her and i seem to be a true talent

for adventures in airports.

we had the company car with us on this trip,

yes for navigation systems that we were convinced,

were trying to see how much she could mess with our minds.

but regardless,

that voice always got us where we wanted to be.

but we had enough adventures as it was,

with or without airports.

adventures like when sabine looked at me on tuesday morning,

saying "i think i left my suitcase at home",

so the mission was to get ourselves to düsseldorf

and yes, make shopping a part of the evening agenda.

making a mental list of at least the cosmetics

that she could save herself from buying,

and simply borrow from me.

and the other adventures were coming back to pforzheim

relatively late on wednesday night

and sabine once again looking at me,

saying, "i think my car keys are on your desk"

and there not being any possible way

of us getting into the building at that hour of night.

so she called her beau to bring her the spare key,

which isn't a big deal,

considering she has an hour drive to pforzheim as well.

i didn't want to leave her on her own waiting,

so we went to a small bar down the road,

had some coffee and waited for him to get there.

i always enjoy late night drives on the autobahn.

the roads are free, clear.

and the headlights before you,

or in the rearview mirror,

are almost like little navigators themselves.

you can see clearly what's before you

and see clearly what you've left behind.

or simply see, what's on it's way to catching up with you.

maybe in a strange sense,

almost similiar to the way things are in life,

when you set out on your own journey,

with a clear mind and a definite destination.

coming home on wednesday was sweetness,

in finding a letter that left a smile on my face.

still maybe a bit of uncertainty, and curiousity as well.

but it was tender, and it was warming.

and all i could do was embrace it. silently.

again, reading between the lines

however well knowing, it's a mutual language spoken.

and there's been another hope and wish on my mind these days.

maybe a bit like the lull of my heart.

and the past weeks left me unsure

where it was that i was standing.

sometimes there are things in life,

that feel like absolute contradictions,

and nothing making sense.

and this was simply one of those things.

knowing it's something good,

and yet standing in the dark.

i felt that i had something to say,

yet didn't dare to speak.

i felt that i had something to write,

yet didn't dare to seal the letter with a kiss.

and hark the queen of impatience i am,

maybe it was the fear that taught me patience?

at least that sounds like a good excuse.

but then coming home from the office on thursday,

about to head out the door and meet with kim,

i found a little message written just a few hours earlier,

and although short, and sweet,

it said all that it needed to say.

kim had to endure me that evening,

with a smile from ear to ear,

possibly little shrieks of happiness.

and i'll admit, i was just like a little girl.

and did i ever stop talking?


a nasty habit i have.

kim was the other sweetness in my day,

when she asked me to close my eyes.

and when i opened them,

there was the most beautiful red rose before me.

it's the little things like that,

that mean the most in friendship

and in life.

and kim, i can't thank you enough.

just for you. and all these little things you do.

and it's saturday night

and i'm content at enjoying a quiet night at home.

there are photos that i need to work thru,

emails that i need to reply to.

and i might do a bit of this,

and i might do a bit of that.

but i'm also simply going to enjoy the night for what it is.

something quiet, something still.

maybe later, grab myself a blanket,

a glass of wine and a cigarette,

sit outside and hold on to the air

that feels like a summer saying farewell.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

a kiss and a hug...

have wanted to write all week,

even if there isn't much to be said

and simply one day blends into the next day.

maybe that's what these days are simply about.

time passages.

sunday was a day that was meant to be work,

however it was a day that simply felt

just as it's meant to feel.

like sunday.

isabelle was heading out to the quarry

simply to catch what could be the last days of summer

and called me to join her.

i already had plans to meet with anke

as we wanted to look at the wedding photos,

but our text messages back and forth decided

that simply a walk along the rhine

was what we really wanted instead.

so i met up with isabelle at one in the afternoon,

and we just sat and talked, day dreamed away,

had moments that made us smile,

maybe moments that made the heart hurt a little,

but that simply has to do with missing,

and with hoping and praying.

and it was just perfect,

the quiet and still around us,

the way the sun just shone and everything felt

gentle, warm, lucid, sweet, perfect.

and as i always say, with a dear friend,

even the moments of silent conversation,

conversations of simply saying nothing,

can be those closest to the heart.

it's the quiet understanding

and knowing

everything is simply as it should be.

i called anke and asked if four o'clock might be better,

it was a moment out there that i just didn't want to leave.

and so we met a bit later,

drove out to the rhine and simply walked along,

talking and then finally, just sitting down

and again, letting sunday feel just as sunday should feel.

watching the barges go by is one of my favourite moments.

i have a fascination of them, one i can't explain.

and it always reminds me of grade four.

again, i can't explain. i never grew up with barges.

and yet, each and everytime,

it's this moment or chapter that comes to mind.

the wind was soft, subtle.

almost like a tease as she whispered on skin,

tugged on the hair.

i think we were out there for a few hours,

and right across from us,

watching old men fishing from the french banks of the river.

monday and tuesday had me in leipzig

and rather uneventful it was.

aside from the both of us almost sleeping in too long,

having the taxi wait for us outside the hotel,

needing to grab our first coffee at the airport

and then almost miss the plane.

they were honestly going to take off without us.

oh wouldn't that have been a story to explain.

driving back to the from the airport would normally

have been a thirty minute affair.

thanks to one accident after the other on the autobahn,

and the stretch around stuttgart being a constant construction site,

this thirty minute affair became a three hour affair.

and wednesday was simply wednesday.

i can't really say there was a high, nor a low.

today i had a home office day and it did feel good,

i must admit.

almost felt as though i could exhale.

and i'm already looking forward to the days,

that i can work from the home office more often,

or hope that yes,

further down the road we'll have the office closer to here,

or whereever it is i'll be.

and maybe simply have to drive to pforzheim once a week,

to take care of other internal matters there?

that's my hope and my wish at least.

and of all the other things that make my heart beat these days,

i find myself just holding them silently close.

not finding the words to place here,

until maybe i myself feel that this isn't just about

reading between the lines.

it's about need and want. hopes and wishes.

and maybe it's about understanding and believing.

i have to get myself to bed.

an hour that normally finds me wide awake.

however the alarm clock is waking me up at three in the morning,

i consider that an ungodly hour.

have to leave for the airport in stuttgart by four in the morning,

flying out to hamburg

however back again at night. late at night.

and then the drive back from stuttgart again.

and of all things,

this weekend especially,

needs to be a weekend of getting caught up,

getting work done,

more cleaning. more purging. more letting go.

and i also believe,

i'm hiring a cleaning lady this weekend as well.

oh god yes. and say amen to that as well.

it's just for the little time i have these days,

i need some clarity. organisation.

just to keep things in place, on their path,

and allow me room to breath

and see a bit clearer.

so that when i come home from work,

all things are good to carry on with work.

but i also simply have to let the weekend be weekend as well.

to relax. to enjoy. to balance.

to inhale. exhale.

and with open arms,

and open mind and open heart,

simply embrace what each moment in life,

gives, takes and shares.

[photograph of petra

from a couple of summers ago.]

Friday, September 08, 2006

friday night.

friday. it is friday.

i can't believe it is friday.

where has this week simply gone?

the first week at the new job.

and really, it's simply a blur.

not much i can really say as of yet,

as to how i embrace the challenge.

i have my yey moments and my ney moments,

but that's to be expected.

but i will confess, i was looking forward to the moment,

when i knew friday had come

and sitting in the car, driving home.

mind you, there i spend almost three hours a day on the road,

driving to and driving from.

i guess that makes the days even longer.

and monday means getting up even earlier,

having to drive to stuttgart to catch the plane to leipzig.

just for the day and the evening

and then heading back early tuesday morning,

straight from the airport to the office.

but i have a feeling,

this weekend is going to be much the same blur.

heading off now to patti's for coffee and talks.

dani's sent a text message,

asking if i have time for a few photos tomorrow morning,

which i might be able to swing,

however i also have melanie's wedding to photograph

and need to be there for eleven thirty.

had planned on getting a few emails taken care of first,

and a bit of work with the fleurs,

and i'm still kicking myself that i wasn't able to say yes,

earlier this week

and getting the brooches out the door for an event,

celebrating aretha franklin.

i had been asked to send 60 brooches

for the performers, presenters, producers and press.

joss stone and natalie cole and chaka khan,

to name a few.

but between the arm still being a bit lame,

and having had to pull that off literally over night.

just to get the blooms there in time,

there was just no way i could do it.

the lady was really sweet about it.

she's been showing support along the way

and thought this would be a great opportunity.

and it would have been. it really would have been.

so i can simply hope the the gods and the universe

will be on my side one day soon,

and letting a chance like that arise again.

having written that,

i'm now doing my own rendition of R-E-S-P-E-C-T

and be assured, a bit off key.

oh aretha, you are a queen!

anyhow. sunday i reckon should be a day of rest,

but i have vowed to get back to the office downstairs.

taxes need to be done, i have two interviews that are waiting,

and as we know, those are things i'm never ever do well with.

i have fleurs that need to be packed and somehow sent,

and not sure how i'll get it done.

but i will. even if only a few things disappear from the list

of things to do.

anyhow. patti is waiting.

and it is friday night.

and it has been a long and hard week.

so we'll simply let it be just that.

friday night.

[photograph from the saturday sessions,

which i believe i'll call the marilyn sessions,

taken a couple of weeks ago.]

photo friday... boy

photo friday

and today's thought is simply called "boy".

and although i wanted to post a picture of a grown boy,

because i like to believe,

there's always a bit of boy in each and every man.

just as much as there is girl in each and every woman.

but then i remembered this photograph,

and a walk along english shores,

once a long while ago.

and he was simply a boy,

on a february day,

walking along on his own path.

but also, taking steps in his life, for his life

and towards his life.

because that's what every step we take is.

a journey.

and i always have to wonder,

what thoughts and dreams, hopes and wishes,

just might be wandering thru all these minds,

as we simply pass by,

each walking our own path in life.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

the wedding...

last saturday

and anke and heiko's wedding.

but i'll have to write about it later.

because for now,

this girl needs to get to bed.

and sleep.

Friday, September 01, 2006

capturing... that perfect day.

capturing yesterday...

and the only words that kim and i really had

describing it to ourselves

was by simply saying it's a perfect day.

and i think that was the decision that the both of us

had met upon waking up and saying hello to the morning.

i can speak of my day already starting off just perfect.

up early and with the first cup of coffee

finding a dear letter to read.

and for the first time in days,

the skies were blue again, the sun wanted to play

and it felt like the tease of summer had returned.

and morning emails with kim

brought us to the spontaneous idea of asking,

how does heading out to freiburg sound to you today?

my last day before starting the new job,

and simply wanted to enjoy the day

and the freedoms that come with days like such.

the morning continued with more coffee,

getting some work taken care of, and taking time

to write and ponder thoughts over a letter myself.

and we know,

that all beautiful things arise in unexpected moments.

and that's just what happened with the photos

that were taken yesterday as well.

we'll call them conversations,

because that's exactly what they are.

captured moments of conversation.

there's an essence in kim.

usually thursday evenings are an evening

belonging just to us.

and we stir energy in one another,

share laughter, discuss things that often mean,

lowering the voice to a whisper,

maybe at times a nasty grin,

but definitely always a smile.

and kim too, is always there for me,

over the years and years and chapters of life.

when it comes to matters of the heart.

often helping me read between the lines of life.

or simply when it comes to sharing a glass of wine.

and as we sat out in the garden,

there was already many a memory created,

secrets that were shared,

and going thru the frames of photographs taken,

it's almost as though we can recollect the moments,

and all the things we said.

and hence, documenting words in a secret language.

and these photographs reflect the essence of kim.

the beautiful way she has of laughing out loud,

shooting straight from the heart, for the heart.

the playful look in her eye,

a smile that possess a feminine beauty, a grace.

conversations with kim come alive,

there's a spirit that lives within each and every word.

and this is the way i see kim.

the beautiful way i have gotten to know kim,

and cherish the friendship that we have.

yes, these are photos are our conversations.

we finally made our way to freiburg.

starbuck's was the first thing on the agenda.

and then simply walking down the cobblestone streets,

stumbling ourselves into shops

and finding little gems as souveniers of the day.

we made it to the designer's market

and elisabeth was exhibiting as well.

so there we were again, playing with hats,

and being the silly girls we can be best.

we carried on, stepping into my favourite vintage shop,

second hand glory and bliss

and both of us finding more gems to complete the day

browsing thru the racks, with bouts of giggles,

but often the oh my god said in that particular tone.

the one religion i have each and everytime in freiburg,

is going to the osteria.

of chandeliers and mirrors along an ancient stone wall,

and of wines and tapas, and sitting on old church pews.

the perfect scenario to enjoy a coffee,

or a glass of red wine.

kim and i decided to simply enjoy a prosecco,

while reflecting back on what really was

everything that a perfect day simply should be.

we decided to carry on,

with conversations and simply holding on to the moments,

and that lead us on to cohibar's

and the temptation of a strawberry margeritta or two.

and then little moments, like simply calling mom.

and letting her know that kim and i were out together.

yes, mom is back in canada,

but has also locked kim in a place in her heart.

and with each and every phone call over the years,

will always ask about kim,

or ask me to say hello.

and so yesterday, it simply felt like further conversations

that needed to be. just because.

and driving home, following a clear lit sky,

singing to ryan adams and where stars go blue again and again,

it was when we were able to conclude,

it was, it really was a perfect day.


i thank you for the friend you are.

i thank you for the moments and all the conversations.

for the laughs, the smiles

and even some of the tears over the years.

and i thank you for the beautiful soul you are,

and i guess what that all really means,

is i thank you for you.

for being one of the friends in this circle

that weaves itself around me.

and i thank you for yesterday.

and for that perfect day.

my love to you kim!


Thursday, August 31, 2006

a perfect day.

that's what it was.

simply a perfect day.

and it's late. and i'm just back home.

so more about that tomorrow.

because sometimes it's good

simply to remember

days like today.

a perfect day.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

silent conversations.

where to begin.

i feel like there is so much that I want to say.

from the past weeks. even just the past week.

last week. this time. and i was having a most lovely evening.

other than a smile on my face,

there’s not much more that i’ll say.

and yes, a few of you dear ones know what i mean.

the rest of the work was a bit of a blur.

simply enjoying the last days before the new job starts.

i can’t believe that it’s this friday already.

welcome a new chapter and all it has in store for me.

but in all honesty, each and every day almost feels

like a new story is in the beginning.

and i’m embracing the change,

and embracing it with curiosity.

as though i simply want to step towards it.

and patience isn’t always my best virtue.

other things that have made me smile this past week?

silent conversations and written words.

buying a lovely sweet antique teapot, knowing she’ll be a vase

one day soon in my new kitchen. maybe on a window sill.

strange that i see my new place already,

and yet, there are still a few months of patiently waiting

until I can take the step out the one door,

and into the next.

a friday afternoon spent with alex,

meeting with petra, and us three girls going shopping.

two new dresses, a skirt, a pair of pants, a belt, a shirt later.

the photo session with patti on saturday

then honestly just needing to head out and get groceries,

ended up with more shopping.

a pair of shoes, a pair of pants, a purse, earrings, a blouse later.

sunday morning with pancakes and blueberry syrup.

and trust me when i say,

blueberry syrup is something simply not had here in germany.

elisabeth coming by for coffee and that lead to dinner

and endless conversations, trying to solve

or simply understand

one of the greatest mysteries of the world.

and sunday was also about writing long letters.

yesterday was about fleurs and getting them off to freiburg.

which didn’t happen until later in the evening.

and it was about more silent conversations.

words and thoughts simply shared

like striking the midnight hour.

today also brought all the more reasons to smile.

and again, it’s all the little things.

like finally saying yes to a necklace i’ve long coveted.

something simple. something sweet. a bird in flight.

and this necklace has long been on the mind.

amy has one of the sweetest shops called day-lab

i’ve known amy for a good few years now.

and to see what she’s done in the shortest while with her business,

i graciously bow down and courtesy to her.

i first met amy thru photography.

and to this day,

she also remains one of my favourite photographers.

in a world of loretta lux, joyce tenneson and robert doisneau

to name a few of many.

and today, i simply had to say yes. maybe like a celebration

simply of the self. and of good things.

happening. changing. becoming.

and an email from undine as well,

almost leaving me with a guilty conscience

that i haven’t really been around, written or called.

she’s been yet another pillar of support

and we have ideas that we share,

ideas we want to set into motion.

but it was sweet to find her email

and also her letting me know that miriam pielhau

was wearing one of my rings on tele again,

sunday night on one of her new shows.

reminding myself that I should to write her too,

and simply say thank you. for the support she gives.

because although i don’t watch much tele myself,

i hear again and again, that miriam is wearing the fleurs,

flaunting and flirting them as i like to say,

in whichever way she can.

and that means the world. it really means much.

i also bought myself a bed today. on ebay.

and please don’t ask me where this idea suddenly appeared.

it’s old. and antique. as in 1910 old and antique.

oak wood and absolutely lovely. in a kitschy lovely way.

but the bestest part of it all,

was buying this bed for a whole of ten euro.

i suddenly decided the new place

was going to have a white bed.

[which means, i’ll still have to paint the bed white too]

and i don’t even have my new place yet,

nor do I know where I’m going to put this bed until I do have it.

and maybe it’ll be my bed. maybe the guestroom bed.

but yes, I bought a bed.

and then it was other little things,

like the one lovely order from the website.

and today was a good day of orders coming in.

maybe i can’t help myself and yes,

it’s just the day to day of running a business,

but whenever i know that a package is on it’s way to new york,

it’s just puts a different kind of smile on my face.

maybe because for whatever love and fascination

or all the dreams I have,

it just feels like a little piece of me is finding its way there too.

silly yes. i know. but that’s simply me.

and in the intervals of writing this, mulling thoughts

and randomly remembering fractions of a week,

or of a day,

i found myself smiling once again.

and simply saying thank you.

for silent conversations.

[photograph - taken on the saturday sessions]

Sunday, August 27, 2006

i thank you. for being you.


and our photo sessions of saturday.

in the short while i've known her,

since the spring of last year now,

she's definitely become one of my dearest friends.

and friends, are something that i know

i call myself blessed with.

not something to be taken forgranted

and a word i hold with the weight of gold.

and amongst theses circles of friends,

it's often as it is in relationships of love and life

you experience "love at first sight"

so to speak.

you meet them,

and you simply know this is someone

that is meant to play a role

and a part in your life.

and to all the dear ones in my life,

i can truely say to have been blessed with having them

thru long journeys in my life.

like common denominators.

and constant stars over years. and distance too.

patti and i met because of my fleurs.

a phone call from her one day,

asking if she could come by to see the fleurs.

she had heard of the rings, and then seen the rings.

and from that day on,

she's not only become a pillar of support,

a shoulder to lean on,

listening in a time of need,

wiped away tears or put a smile back on the face.

and then the conversations that go for hours on end.

there are the laughs and the silly moments,

and pedicures and last minute waxes,

massages too.

she's there to push me forward,

or bring me back down.

reminds me of my dreams when i feel reality has woken me,

believes in me when i reckon i'm stumbling on my way.

it's not uncommon for patti to come by

even late at night if she sees i'm still working.

and somedays, she simply

drops a little note and cherished words

under the door.

and with all things in life,

it's simply the little things that matter most.

the gestures. the thoughts.

and yes, always the talks.

and i'd just simply like to dedicate these photos

to a most wonderful, beautiful woman

called patti.

these photos to me,

are just the way i have gotten to know her.

the smile on her face. a look in her eye.

playful. and honestly authentic.

and i simply thank you patti,

for being you.

and the friend you are.

Friday, August 25, 2006

photo friday... circle


reflecting on what could be written,

or what could be seen as circle.

translations of definition.

thoughts like...

dancing in a circle came to mind.

or stepping into circles

and stepping out again.

and that love can circle itself around you

just as we circle ourselves with friends.

and circles leave us in dizzy blur,

as we go round and round and round again.


it was this photograph that came to mind.

an excerpt from a series i call intimacy.

we circle ourselves in love,

leaving us in blissful blur

like a child of merry go round.

and arms that warp themselves around you,

simply holding you tight

and holding you close.

in circle.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

wish the day good night.

"sometimes i feel as though my hands are bound. to you.

and it as though you were a prayer. whispered upon my skin.

and yes. i am still bound."

an old photograph.

and old words.

but for whatever reason, they were found again today.

saturday definitely took on a plan of its own.

needless to say,

i broke the promise to the self

and didn't get to the flea market on saturday morning.

granted, i was up. and i was ready to go,

however the arm was back to giving me greif.

i can't recall if i mentioned

that friday morning had me at the doctor's

and a diagnosis of spinal disk deterioration

or something similiar is what the doctor said.

basically, that's what has caused the neuritis in the arm.

nine needles later, and another round of pain killers,

the arm was just doing fine come friday night.

and then there was an amazing dj to blame,

curse and bless with a true blend of bossa nova and house.

patti and i rarely left the dance floor.

it's been a long while since i've been out like that.

i don't think we got home until about five am,

so that really surprised me to be awake when the alarm went off

just two hours later.

and aside from the arm, i really was feeling alright.

but i reckon that was prolly the better decision anyhow,

as i was back up again by nine am

and started working on the wedding photographs

as they needed to be done for today.

i didn't end up finishing with those until eleven pm.

and aside from stepping out for an hour to get groceries,

and taking pup for a walk,

there is no way i would have managed to get them all finished,

had i actually gone and done the flea market.

but the nice surprise in the day,

was running into melanie while getting groceries,

an acquaintance of an acquaintance lady that i know.

and her asking me about photographing her upcoming wedding.

we made an appointment for earlier this afternoon

and i was really hoping that she was going to say yes

after seeing my portfolio.

it would have been a nice surprise to add to the september,

as i wasn't reckoning with any more assignments

beyond anke's wedding on the second of september.

and she did say yes.

making for a very very happy me.

later in the afternoon,

had an appointment with the other bride

and there's always the anxiety as to whether or not

the client really will be pleased with the photographs.

and a moment of relief, when you can see it written on their face,

or spoken with their eyes.

the sunday morning itself was nice. quiet. content.

i'm enjoying the time away from "home"

and staying here at isabelle's.

it's like being able to take a deep breathe of air,

inhale and exhale.

spent part of the morning sitting outside,

drinking coffee and having a cigarette,

going thru old magazines

ripping out pages here and there.

inspirations. and reminders.

and a long talk on the phone with alex.

while i was at my client's,

a wonderful, almost secret mystery in my life

started sending text messages as well.

and this is possibly when i confess,

that they were leaving me with a smile on the face,

and maybe a bit of a blush on the face as well.

something about this man,

that i haven't yet figured out, aside from the curiousity

that he does leave me with.

the curiousity of the voice i hear speaking on the radio.

or of the man behind the words and thoughts,

both written and shared.

but this constant prelude forever feels like one step forward,

just to take one step back.

but it's sunday come monday morning now.

and there's much in this week to promise the self,

and much in this week to look forward to.

however, also much in this week that needs to be done.

so i'll simply finish off this glass of wine,

and wish the day good night.

Friday, August 18, 2006

dancing into flea markets

my friends know me

and they know me well enough to know,

that i can't say "no".

so with me procrastinating for the past hour,

trying to get myself into the basement,

sieve thru the junk in the garage that has

all been set aside for flea markets.

accumulations of the purgings that have taken place,

over the past year, the past months

unfortunately however, not the past weeks.

i only managed to do one flea market so far this year,

and considering i had vowed to have all of this junk

berid of my the end of summer,

i guess that means i'm not doing too well with my efforts?

the last flea market was end of july

and i actually wanted to blog about it.

make a silly list of all the little odds and ends

sold. and peacefully departed.

you know, it actually surprises me,

that these "accumulations" can really be anyone else's treasure.

they certainly aren't the treasures i go looking for

when visiting flea markets.

but it never ceases to surprise me.

and the last market,

left the load quite a bit lighter,

and then considering,

i definitely sell things much too cheap.

one euro here, and one euro there,

and fifty cents for that please.

but as i said,

i was procrastinating earlier on.

wanting to organise what i'll load into the car tomorrow,

or making the effort to find more pieces of junk

and give me the sensation of having done

even just a little more purging today.

and then along came patti.

standing outside, calling my name thru the window,

asking if i'll go out dancing with her tonight.

some club in freiburg that i've never been.

and then her claim that it's our generation of age.

gave her the cheekiest smile i had

reminding her of the last time she took us to a new club,

quoting the same assumption.

after that evening,

i also vowed i'd remain single for the rest of my life,

if that was really all that was out there.

frightening and haunting and chilling

but good for a laugh it was.

díd i already say

my friends know me

and they know me well enough to know,

that i can't say "no".

i can smile at that however as well,

because it's also something they'll never take forgranted.

at least not the true friends, the real friends.

and yes, we're working on learning to say that little word

at appropriate moments.

and looking at patti and hearing her say,

"but i need you. you can't make me go with bianca on my own"

there was no way i could say no to her not being able to say no.

vicious circles we live in these days.

timmy left earlier for his dad's for the next week.

and i just came back to meissenheim to prepare for the fleamarket.

and now that mission is accomplished too.

in record time.

downstairs is a pile that simply needs

to be arranged into the car in the morning,

in orderly chaos.

and i even found a few other odds and ends

to add to those piles.

nothing that makes a difference

and yet it does. somehow.

does that make any sense?

and i'm making yet another vow here,

that no matter how late tonight might be,

i will be at that flea market tomorrow.

even if i have to pull an all nighter.

mark my words.

and i'll make myself a list again tomorrow,

of all the things.

sold. and peacefully departed.

and i'll take pen and paper

to write other lists

because these days,

there are so many thoughts,

so many ideas

that lure their way thru the mind.

photos that i want and need to take this week,

the canvas that i need to paint.

the lamp that i almost placed in the pile this evening,

and suddenly envisioned a new life for her.

a life of boas. and feathers. and yes. light.

i'll take a pile of magazines with me

that need to be read and pages torn out,

of inspiration found.

i guess that counts as purging too?

so yes, in a sense, feng shui of the soul.

letting go to invite the new.

the money from tomorrow's flea market?

maybe we'll put it to the trip to paris

as i want to be back there again.

maybe september? maybe october?

or maybe for the trip to new york?

or simply for the new apartment?

we shall see.

but patti just honked the horn outside.

and it's time...

to put on those dancing shoes.

photo friday... friend

playing in colour, yet with the simplicity

of black and white.

while children playing in paint,

creating a world where it's good

to dare yourself to draw outside the lines.

and it's those days and moments,

that you almost learn more from children,


more than they could ever learn from us. as adults.

and meet julia and anna.

also known as friends.

and i remember watching these girls,

hoping that this friendship remains

with the same intimacy of shared secrets,

and dreams dared to be spoken out loud,

smiles and laughter understood.

a friendship that grows over the years,

holding memories like souveniers,

yet living with anticipation

of the journey ahead.

meet julia and anna.

friends. the best of friends.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

letters never sent...

letters never sent...

something i believe that all of us hold,

souveniers written on the heart.

of once upon a time.

for all those letters written, sealed, stamped.

but simply never sent.

those letters that were caressed with the i loves you.

we never dared to whisper.

they become stained. creased with time.

and somewhere we all have these letters.

tucked into the silent corners under a lock and a key.

but simply never sent.

* * * * *

old words i once wrote,

but in a sense, reflecting much of recent moments.

leaving me wonder, if this is a pattern,

and too often, i find myself biting my tongue

holding back the words that find themselves nesting there?

it's wednesday.

timmy and i drove isabelle to the train station

last night at midnight.

on the way home, we stopped to see if we could

catch shooting stars along the way.

but what started out as a clear sky night,

had a pillow of clouds and an ever so bright moon.

the both of us slept in long this morning,

and dare i confess,

it was a thirteen year old that actually was up before me?

i must also confess however,

that for the past week, i've been living on painkillers,

with a case of neuritis with my right arm.

and although it seemed to be getting better,

monday had me in tears with pain

and not even able to sleep.

thankful for any few moments that i would simply doze off

before the slightest movement had me jolted again.

yesterday i managed to get thru the day,

but it had its more than tender moments.

and today actually feels like a miracle.

so that's prolly my excuse for finally finding good sleep.

right now, timmy has a few friends over

and about to head out the door.

had to smile as he asked, if he could cook me dinner tonight.

yup, it might just be an omelette,

but it's timmy's new thing and i think it's sweet.

i'm listening to k.d. lang's

hymns of the 49th parallel.

truely one of the most beautiful cds ever.

and each time i listen to her renditions

there is a pull of the heartstrings

and sometimes it feels, like they are taking me home again.

'i drew a map of canada,

with your face sketched on it twice'

i see myself, sitting out on the veranda, by the lake.

chilled evenings and wrapped in blankets.

in someways, a memory

and in someways, a daydream of tomorrow.

things feel comfortable here at isabelle's.

strange is, this house is one that years ago,

i had vowed would one day be mine.

old acquaintances lived here and the first time

i stepped thru the door,

i felt as though there was a familiarity.

that was years ago.

and then when isabelle was looking for a new flat,

called me to say she found the perfect place.

on moving day, my mouth dropped when she stopped the car

and there we were.

that house that i fell in love with years earlier.

but as isabelle as said,

the next couple of weeks will simply be good for me,

in having my own space around me again.

quiet and peace before starting with the new job,

but also getting myself acquainted,

for the months ahead of me and moving out from "home" now.

i'll be stepping out in a few moments myself,

going to the market to buy some flowers.

as i do want to play with the camera in experimentation

also contemplating getting the new joy denalane cd

then i'll head home, spend a couple of hours

finishing off the rest of the wedding photographs

and getting the first load of fleurs here to isabelle's

so that petra can come over and help tomorrow

as there are a few packages that need to find their way

to new gardens and hopefully bloom into new magic.

and i'm looking forward to these next couple of weeks.

just the quiet and the serenity.

i hope they pass slowly, fully and completely

and not with the usual race and pace of time.

i want these days to be letters written,

but letters that are also sent, spoken

and shared.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

silly girls...

just back from baden baden

and the market that elisabeth was doing over the weekend.

elisabeth is a milliner and designer,

[although i really prefer the word of modiste so much more]

someone i've worked with since my gallery days,

but also someone that is a dear dear friend.

the good talks over good drinks kind of dear friend,

and lately, the thoughts on our minds

and the pulls on our hearts,

are on many of the same parallels.

with change on the horizon.

elisabeth was selling and showing the fleurs this weekend,

so i drove up to baden baden on friday,

and then this afternoon as well.

unfortunately for the both of us,

it really wasn't the best of markets.

but it was elisabeth that was there

and had to endure the rain, the cold,

and the dull and boring moments.

so today we talked about,

starting to work on a project of our own soon.

taking more photographs,

working together with the hats and the fleurs.

and getting elisabeth a new website done as well.

before we started taking the stand down this evening,

we were having a bit of a silly moment.

both of us feeling a bit like the weather,

grey, cold, rainy and simply blah.

the camera is always a good rememdy for that.

"ladies with an attitude

fellows that were in the mood

don't just stand there, let's get to it

strike a pose, there's nothing to it"

as madonna once said.

did i say that we were being silly girls?

oh, for the love of friends.

and elisabeth's hats!

Friday, August 11, 2006

what is blue...

friday night.

and i'm going to allow it to be a quiet friday night.

this week has been the first time in a long while,

that i've actually been spending evenings at home.

and i haven't really decided what this evening will hold.

maybe just me and the pup,

cuddled on the couch.

but right now, listening to the weepies

and i keep listening to "gotta have you" on repeat,

singing along,

"No amount of coffee, no amount of crying

No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine

No, nothing else will do

I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you."

there's something sweeter than honey,

listening to steve and deb's voices. together.

deb talan's cd is another one that i truely ever love.

her words. her lyrics. her voice. her music.

it can leave me here to melt, and make me all strong again.

and uschi put a smile on my face this week as well.

i just met her and anke for the first time,

earlier this week on monday.

two absolutely amazing women.

powerful. funny. strong. thoughtful. energy.

visions. dreams. stories. experiences.

we met at the osteria in freiburg,

sat back enjoying prosecco and red wine,

a table filled with tapas

and hours of endless conversations.

ideas dancing in the minds of the three of us.

ideas. but yes, possibly visions.

and i like to think there's the one or other project before us.


uschi is a mastermind of words. anke is a mastermind of design.

i can't begin to say how inspiring it was to meet them.

and i had to smile when i discovered what uschi wrote

in her daily news as well.

blush. blush. gush. gush.

it's been a week of many kind words.

as susan already made me blush earlier this week too.

and i think that's one of the things, that we can be most grateful for,

friends that surround us,

people that believe in you,

push you a bit further,

or simply embrace you.

i always believe, everyone enters our lives for a reason.

whether for a moment, a day, a month, a year,

or a lifetime.

but behind each person, there's a reason.

a companion meant to be sitting beside you,

on that empty chair.

photo friday... four

rather different than most of the photography i do,

and to be honest,

there was the one or other photo that i thought of

in retrospect,

however this was the first that came to mind.

four of my boys, so to speak.

from a london band called euphoria

and yes, there's not just the sight of "four" in this photo,

rather the sound of "four" in euphoria.

terry, calvin, scott and russell

it's been a good ten years of being friends

and i've always believed in the boys,

and these days, good good things are happening for them.

just recently, terry and russ called to say,

they've finally been signed.

and at the moment, they're on a bit of a european tour,

but also just found their was to new york, and los angeles.

we need to revamp their website,

as it's just a bit outdated at the moment,

but the "four" can be found here for now


and that's me and photo friday for now.

hope you have a lovely sweet weekend!

Thursday, August 10, 2006


"The main interest in life and work is to become someone else that you were not in the beginning.

If you knew when you began a book what you would say at the end, do you think that you would have the courage to write it? What is true for writing and for a love relationship is also true for life.

The game is worthwhile insofar as we don't know what will be the end."

- Michael Foucault -

i keep reflecting these words as of late.

i believe i first discovered them,

read them, at keri smith's lovely blog.

and these past months,

there have been so many chapters written,

chapters that have put smiles on the face,

maybe a bit of pain in the heart,

chapters that have yearned for their continuations

and chapters that have gracefully taken a bow and courtsey,

some chapters never found their final words,

and some chapters are possibly still being written.

our life is so much like a book,

each of us has our own personal book of stories.

and we compile these.

with each day and month.

and each year.

sometimes these stories are written in our hearts,

sometimes just in our minds.

and sometimes these stories are even written on the skin.

scars or wrinkles that remind us where we've been,

how we've grown and how we change.

forever evolving.

my mind is wandering these days.

seeking words,

maybe even wanting to step back into certain chapters

and moments.

and yet, eagerly waiting for the new chapters to begin.

but i suppose in simply writing these thoughts,

and all the things between the lines,

it's just a small way of writing the chapters of today.

because these are the moments that each of us,

right here and now.

maybe sometimes, that's the only thing we really share.

[photograph - unwrap this body

taken once upon a long time ago

in an earlier chapter]

Sunday, August 06, 2006

the camera's first light

the first photographs with the new canon.

a wedding yesterday, that i was asked to photograph.

no, i usually don't photograph weddings,

however i do admit,

something i could possibly enjoy.

when i first met the bride, i was really uncertain,

as to whether i could say yes to this assignment,

or not.

i'm sensitive with people. and especially with the camera.

i have to sense something with them, be able to see them,

almost like feel their stories upon meeting.

but i put myself up to the challenge,

because that's simply what we have to do.

it's a part of the process, a part of becoming.

there are over one thousand photographs to sort thru

starting at the salon in the morning

until the midnight hours and the cake being cut.

i especially had fun with all the children,

and there seems to be a magnet between me and them.

regardless if an evening like yesterday,

or visiting with friends,

i'll have the children around me, pulling on my leg,

calling my name

and last night, i can't recall how many times i found myself

sitting on the floor,

colouring with them, photographing them colouring,

or even having one sweet girl

coming up to me at the end of the evening

[at least my end to the evening, as i was getting ready to leave]

and give me a picture she drew,

and ask if i would come and sit beside her and her daddy.

poor thing, i think i burst out laughing.

i told her, that i was just about to leave,

but what would her daddy say to that.

she simply said,

"i like you. i think he might like you too."

god bless the innocence of little kids.

[mind you, daddy was rather something nice to look at.

and i have to admit, someone that had earlier,

already caught my eye?]

but when does it happen,

that we lose that innocence, and the simplicity of life

within ourselves?

it was a great evening yesterday,

and it was the first time

that i took the new camera out to play.

i wonder what other stories she'll have to tell along the way?

side note...

a cemetary is a place that i would never

ever have imagined,

using as a scenario for wedding photographs.

it had been raining all morning,

and just as we got out of the church,

the rain finally stopped.

the cemetary was in the courtyard of the church,

and that's when i could see the photographs.

not in the morbid sense of "until death do us part"

rather in the serenity

of angels and blessings.

in german, a cemetary is called a friedhof.

frieden meaning peace.

hof meaning courtyard.

i think it's actually a most beautiful word.