midnight gibberish.

maybe this blog entry is a bit drunken midnight gibberish.

well, not really drunk,

but definitely the one or other glass of wine

enjoyed this evening.


had to head out to town to run a few errands this afternoon,

stopping off at isabelle's to see how she was doing

and then we decided to spend the evening together as well.

she's taken the week off at the salon,

so she didn't really feel we should be out and about,

rather just enjoy a quiet evening at her place.

i headed back home,

take care of a few things first and then,

had to call tamara and share the latest insane insanity with her

just even thinking about it, leaves a nasty grin on my face.

and i haven't a clue where to begin,

where to start,

but at the moment, simply knowing,

it's something that needs to be done.

and dedicated in sweet loving blissfully beautiful revenge

to a certain someone that has been the good and bad

in my life as of late.

of course, only confessing this at the moment,

thank you to that one or other glass of wine.


so shortly after eight pm,

i headed back to isabelle's

we were efficiently co-ordinated and ordered dinner

as i was sitting myself into the car.


the evening was spent,

with much conversation, planning a picnic menu

that i'll be sharing with someone next week,

getting all girly and singing refrains and fragments of

carly simon and joni mitchell songs.

"You are in my blood like holy wine

and you taste so bitter

but you taste so sweet.

I could drink a case of you darling,

And I would still be on my feet."


and in all the contradictions i can be,

as i was on my way home,

all i had in the car singing to me was

fat boy slim and jamiroquai.

which regardless, still felt just as good

on a hot but cooling summer night.

in the car, windows down and driving home again.


at the moment, things feel good.

or at least they feel better.

there's still lots of unravelling that needs to be done,

but there's a calm in the way things feel at the moment.

much like the air that hangs outside the window sill tonight.

still, peaceful, quiet,

but you can sense that even on a clear sky evening,

something is on it's way.

and just as i wrote those words,

the most subtle breeze hushed a promise.


on friday i have yet another meeting regarding the position.

we'll be doing the final negotiations of the contract,

and with great possibility,

me signing on the dotted line.


at the moment, i'm welcoming the decision.

and i do believe that even as difficult as it'll be,

to start up with this position,

basically, starting up a new company and running a new company,

while still running my own business,

it'll be progression.

and something that will eventually bring parallels,

or find it's companionship hand in hand.

i keep reminding myself,

that all things happen with reason.

part of a masterplan.

but it's usually first in retrospect,

as we glance back over our shoulders,

that we really see how it was always meant to be.


and it's midnight now.

i'm going to take myself, a glass of wine and a cigarette,

sit outside on the couch,

watch the stars and satellites

and let the summer evening wrap it's air and breeze around me.

listen to the crickets

and wait for a shooting star,

simply to make a wish.



[and the photo above has nothing to do with these writings

simply a photograph taken once upon a time]

modigliani and his women

Portrait of Mme Hanka Zborowska

Amedeo Modigliani


where this title, or just the thought came to mind,

i can't even begin to tell you.

sitting in my "atelier" or whatever it is you want to call my workspace,

distracting myself with other thoughts,

as i play with my fleurs,

putting a small and sweet collection together

for a small and sweet shop. just down the road from here.


and in the blur of the last days,

or even of just the morning.

much of the past days has been about conversation,

and in today's faster than faster changing world,

conversations on phone, text messages, sms and email,

cups of coffee conversations

and one two three glasses of wine conversations.

and i've needed these conversations.

the listening. the speaking. and even the silence in conversations.

but it's about the understanding, the opening and spilling,

the giving and the taking.

of words. thoughts. emotions. dreams. fears.


but yes, that is what the past days have been.

simply conversation.


and today, i'm on my i've stopped counting now cup of coffee,

vowed to the self, not to stop working until this collection is finished,

and i won't even start in confessing,

how really far behind i am with all things called work.

however i believe that these phases too, must simply be.


everything these days evolves around change.

change of the body. change of the direction.

change of the heart. change of the thoughts.

things evolve, because we need to embrace change into our lives.

one step at a time.

and as overwhelming as it is.

and even in the moments when things feel as though they are standing still,

quietly, silently still,

it is part of the evolving as well.

we might not be taking the next step ourselves,

yet something, someone, somewhere is taking a step

that leads to our next step.


i'm even finding it hard to follow my own train of thought

but isn't this just the way the mind and all these thoughts

really entwine and weave themselves.

fragments. as they are spoken, or written.


it's three pm and the news just came on the radio.

and i found myself smiling. softly.

because that voice speaking right now,

is the voice i'll be speaking with, in a few hours.

in conversation. and with a good glass of wine.

or two.

an evening, that i'm very much looking forward to.


and without speaking too soon,

it does appear that i'll be taking on the new position,

as of the first of september.

i still haven't really absorbed the last phone call this morning,

when the question finally brought it all to the point,

asking if i'll say yes and we can meet next week to finalize the contract.

maybe i've been putting too much thought into things,

whether this is really the position i want, or need.

almost as though seeking excuses for the self.

but in parallels and in other abstract ways,

it's almost a perfect connection between the new challenge,

and my own business.

and regardless of the responsibility behind this all,

there's the learning experience.

and i simply have to embrace it as that.

and whatever doors it opens next.


so in all the laziness of a much too hot summer day outside,

the slow awakening of an evening out last night with a dear friend,

chilled, perfect rosé wine and yes, much conversation.

still thinking of kim's words as she said,

"so i decided to pray to mary instead.

you know, she's a woman, so i reckoned she'd understand"

i have to burst out laughing.

bless her for that one.


and what it was, that i really wanted to say

calling this modigliani and his women,

i can't even say myself now.


but maybe that's exactly it.

we are all a canvas of ourselves.

in all the colour, the endless imagination.

we create our own portraits,

and life.

just the way we want them to be.

in a way, that only we can see.


and that's part of the beauty,

in understanding who and all the gloriously wonderful things

we are.

when summer sings her song...

and cristina knows how to sing her own songs,

just simply by looking thru the camera in her beautiful way.

a few of the photos taken with the omondieu! rings

and leaving a smile on my face.


her entire portfolio is a splash of colour,

feminine ease and a playground of discovery!


cristina, my heart goes out to you...





photos by cristina naan

blurry pictures of a saturday night...

and enjoying caprihinia's and white wine,

with isabelle and dani

waiting for the stars to come out at dusk.


blurry eclipses of a saturday night...

she's mine. all mine.

"Once is not enough",

I used to say as a kid.

That seemed very plausible to me,

"once upon a time."

But when you take pictures,

I learned,

none of that applies.

Then "once" is

"once and for all".


- Wim Wenders -

eiffel tower and laundromats.

it's been two days since the boys have left.

there's been waves of emotions happening since then as well.

missing them. but also enjoying the quiet within these walls.

much like what's happening within this heart as well.


i had promised myself a productive day yesterday,

finding the modus back to work.

there are fleurs to be made and sent off.

always something that gives a warm and good feeling inside.

as though, i'm planting seeds in unknown gardens,

and waiting to see by whom and where they are discovered.


yesterday ended up not being as productive as i had hoped.

i did manage to get the one resume for new york finished and sent.

and as said, whether this is something i'm pursuiting

to actually find myself in that city

or simply doing this for a closure

or releasing a new energy,

and putting thought and dreams into action?

i am still not sure.


i did phone the headhunter to express my interest

in yet another meeting with the owner of the company.

strange perhaps, that they were awaiting my interest first?

is it not normally the other way around?

he returned with another call shortly after,

saying that they were pleased to hear my response.

i am to call the owner of the company on monday,

and make arrangements for the next meeting with him personally.


there are things about the position that interest me, intrigue me.

in abstract and distant ways,

it could very well still be of benefit to me and my business.

contacts, inspiration and finally proper displays for retailers?

ahem.

however mostly, yes, the experience.

if the position does work out, and i accept the role,

or am offered the role,

there'll be a lot of weight on the shoulders.

being solely responsible for another man's vision

and in that sense, his money matters.

whether i can take the business off the ground for him.

but there'll also be the ease, knowing it's exactly

what i am doing with my own business,

however, actually receiving a cheque at the end of the month.

maybe that's inspiration within itself as well?


it does mean hard times before me,

maybe not just hard times, but "less" time.

finding the balance between the two.

but it's a part of the plan

and a part of the transition, the change.

and i know it'll open doors to other things.

contacts. experience. and inspiration.

new challenges upon the self

and yes,

money to set the other ideas and projects,

ever so patiently waiting,

into action.


so let's see if it happens. and what becomes.

i just find it strange, that from all the resumes i've sent

there hasn't been a "thank you but no thank you" received,

nor a "we ask you to be patient as we review the submissions"

or anything of the likes.

this is the one and only company that has responded,

and without putting too much weight on the matter,

or reading between the lines,

maybe that is a good sign right there?


alex from girl at play

wrote a beautifully amazing email yesterday.

excerpts from her chronicles

hullo, summer. hullo, simplicity.

and reading those words, i smiled,

just knowing, that for us all,

there is this transition in the air.

and we simply have to take the leap,

have the faith,

and learn to fly along the way.

someone once told me,

that the unfamiliar is the best thing we can discover.

simply because it means, we've never ever been there before.

the familiar is the pattern, the routine

and what keeps us standing still.


paris already feels so far away.

this morning, having my coffee,

i was wishing i was back in the tribeca café

on 65 rue de charonne. in paris.

and these photographs, in their own small ways,

are of two moments and memories

that translate what paris and life were to me that day.

the eiffel tower and laundromats.


last night, there were many talks on the phone,

with mom. with isabelle.

and yes, there were many thoughts on the mind as well.

i have to admit, i was sensitive skin yesterday.

maybe not just yesterday, but the past weeks.

i feel tender. transparent. and maybe vulnerable.

there's the change that has been evolving

and maybe at times it's frightening

and as isabelle so beautifully said,

it's the unravelling of the knots.


for too long, i've tied knots within the heart,

maybe a sense of protection, self-preservation.

but i've started to unravel these knots

over the past months

and that's the painful release of it all.

weaving thru them, combing thru them.

tearing at them. simply to unravel and open again.


and i think the one thing i'm most grateful for

are my friends.

those that unravel these knots with me.

it's one thing i'm truely am thankful for.


usually i find myself being there for them,

with words, or simply silent understanding,

and now for me to be allowed to show my weakness

and have them as tightly woven blankets wrapped around me

is something so cherished.

and reminds me, that is the authenticy and honesty in it all.

being allowed to be strong.

and in the same breath,

being allowed to be weak.


small intermission, patti had just come by

for a saturday morning cup of coffee.


anyhow. last night i finally found a sense of calm,

and found myself writing on paper

of hopes, wishes and dreams to come true.

isabelle and i came to the conclusion,

it's time to start a new book

and a book, that only holds the good things within

its handwritten pages.

maybe a part of the letting go.


even if exactly all i'm trying to let go of,

was exactly what was accompanying me in my dreams

through out the night.


i awoke to those thoughts

and a text message from isabelle

asking if i'm up already.

i called her saying yes, but still snuggled

between my pillows and blankets.

she was still snuggled in her own bed too,

and missing someone ever so much.

[maybe this is when i should mention

that between the brother and my dearest friend

a bit of a love story has evolved?]

so we decided we'll meet for coffee later on,

go shopping to get myself that new book, for new chapters

and simply talk.

her final words on the phone were,

you'll hear from "him" today,

and i knew she meant the one,

that sends me sweet messages every other day,

even when in paris, and sitting at the eiffel tower.



so i poured myself a coffee,

and decided that maybe i'll take a moment and write instead.

just to say hello,

and wish him a lovely time in paris. as he was on his way.

and that i was wishing, i could be there too.

in my café, watching secret and foreign stories unfold.

but just as i was about to write,

there was already a "good morning" waiting for me.

and i found that rather sweet.

so in my reply, i simply said,

yes, maybe next week we should finally meet

for a glass of wine he's so often talked about?

and the answer in return was

not just maybe, but we will meet.

how does wednesday evening sound?

at his place, sitting outside by the stream?


and yes. i will honestly confess,

it did leave a smile on the face.

i think most simply looking forward to the conversation

and the simplicity of a summer evening.

quiet, light.

and ease.


simplicity.

that is a word that means much to me these days.


but now it's time to do something within this house.

cleaning, like a cleansing.

and maybe more purging.

just like the letting go.


and i really should be getting back to the fleurs,

maybe a bit later on.

after coffee with isabelle.

anke called and asked if i'd come by in the afternoon,

and patti thought maybe a swim in her pool,

might be a perfect saturday lazy too.

tomorrow we want to go walking together as well,

through the morning lush green and dew dropped woods.


it's saturday.

and today just feels lighter,

less complicated.

and much like the soft breeze

coming thru the open window,

i can inhale. and exhale.


contradictions and parallels.

much like the eiffel tower

and laundromats.

blurs. of simply remembering.

blurs of the past days.

that's what the recollection is. blurs.

symphonies of time in allegro.


left for paris on tuesday morning.

spent the day simply wandering around.

cole really wanted to see the louvre,

much with his fascination of the da vinci code

[or possibly the girl, that he saw the movie with?]

however, who would ever have guessed

that the louvre is closed on tuesdays?


so we simply wandered.

saw a bit of this. a bit of that.

had talks and just spent time together

which was the most important part of it all.


the day was so hot, sticky, salty on the skin.

leaving us tired and in the same sense,

very much alive.


we were sitting at the trocadero

simply because it's the most beautiful view

of the eiffel tower.

i get a text message simply saying

"say hello to the eiffel tower for me please"

and i didn't know who that message could be from.

so i replied saying,

"yes, the eiffel tower says hello as well.

but all i have is a number

and i don't know who to say hello to.

but i'm sitting here, looking at her now."

a moment later i get a reply saying,

"from the man that visits paris once a month

and if he's not in there,

he reads the news on the radio

or hopes to be by the stream

having a glass of wine with you soon."


and the mystery was solved.

leaving a smile on my face.

and what i might not dare admit,

a bit of a loneliness in the heart

this man has been so gentle, sweet. sending thoughts

in the morning or the middle of the day and late at night

simply to say hello.

and i don't really think that he pierced my heart

or managed to capture me

until that very moment.

it's been hard to receive.

it's been hard to take the walls down around me.

that i've built up all these years.

and i dare confess, while often walking down the streets

of this amazing city we call paris,

i wonder what it would be like

discovering and seeing and living this with someone close to the heart.

regardless. he did make me smile.

and i do believe that i'm looking forward

to that glass of wine. one day soon.


cole and i went back to the hotel,

weary on the feet and weary on the mind

of simply absorbing the sights, the sounds.

cole went coma in horizontal latitude on the bed,

i gave him a nudge

and told him i'd be back in an hour.

simply stepped outside on our street rue de charonne,

looking for a café and a quiet moment to spend time

with paper and pen and thoughts.

in a most beautifully quaint café called TriBeCa

and in one breath, i had my two most favourite cities

right before me.

paris. and new york.

earthly red painted walls. french jazz playing loud.

i was the only patron in the café

and just the perfect ambiance

for watching life on the streets pass by.

i sat down, writing thoughts and musing.

and day dreaming. away.

there was a lady in the laundromat across the street,

just watching her day dream away as well,

and people always create stories in my mind.

wondering where they are coming from,

and where they are going.

and a fascination of how we see people pass by,

yet we're all strangers caught in the same moment of time.


i walked back to the hotel,

and we decided we'd watch the world cup in a brasserie

and yes i'll admit, i was very much hoping for a german win,

and cole getting upset with me,

everytime i would say

"bud, i think the italians are going to take the game"

and needless to say,

i was blamed in the aftermath as well.

but, with a smile on his face

[and it's cole's smile that i so adore.

something shy. almost hidden. but his eyes light up.]

i think i was more so blamed,

after the first goal fell

and about thirty seconds before the second goal fell,

i buried myself into my nephew, didn't dare watch the screen

while saying

"cole, they're going to score again. don't let it end this way."

i honestly couldn't look.


sleep was easy to find.

the air was still hot and thick and heavy,

and i left the windows open.

the sound from the streets were a perfect lullaby.


up early in the morning and off to the train station we were,

back home by two in the afternoon

and back in my car on the way to pforzheim

for the follow-up interview.

hard to say how that went really,

i'm to call back tomorrow and express my own interest

having had the time to review the position.


the impressions that the company and the owner left were good,

and the only position he's proposed to me

is that of project manager [slash] managing director

of the new company he'd like to start.


a challenge it definitely would be,

however there's a yey and a ney speaking within.


depending on the interest i voice tomorrow,

we'll arrange for yet another meeting next week,

simply to show me more of behind the scenes,

and exchange a few more thoughts.


i'm hoping that by tonight,

i'll still be able to send off my resume

for at least the one position in new york.

again, what chances or potential are,

i can't even say.

rather than this is simply something

that i need to do for me. myself. and i.


my brother and nephew and buddy just left a few hours ago.

i still can't believe that the three weeks have passed.

so quickly. so suddenly.

life felt like it went on frame freeze.

leaving simply the blur.


the past week with the brother

was all that it wasn't in years.

there were matters of the heart,

and emotions involved.

things that one didn't anticipate

yet brought us closer again.


and needless to say,

also leaving tears behind

with the hugs and kisses of good bye.

there wasn't even much that needed to be said,

simply because we both understood. silently.


i'm so behind with work at the moment,

and yet i don't even feel i can function.

or better yet focus at the moment.


maybe i just need some time for the self.

to remember. to forget.

to absorb.


isabelle is coming by in a few hours

we reckon a walk down the rhine

and a talk

is just what the both of us need.


her matters of the heart. my matters of the heart.

and little hopes and dreams

that we allow to live within.



blurs of the past days. [and weeks and months.]

that's what the recollection is. blurs.

symphonies of time in allegro.

j'adore...

paris.


in a few hours

[granted i hear that alarm clock...]

my nephew and i are off to paris.


just a day. and just a night.

but we're off to paris

for his birthday.


j'adore...

little bits and pieces...

"It's Spring fever...

You don't quite know what it is you do want

but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so."

- Mark Twain -


no, it's not spring. rather summer.

but i just discovered those words the other day,

and found them so compelling, so true.

and so beautiful.

so these words have found their place, here and now.


although i'm meant to be tidying up the place,

and getting groceries for tonights bbq

at isabelle's...

[by the way, happy canada day!]

i've just poured myself another cup of coffee,

and will take up the challenge in a moment.


i promised isabelle i'd simply make

a tomatoe and mozarella dish

and of course, my ceasar salad.


she's gotten all we need for the grill,

and the wine of course.

i'll pick up some french baguette later as well.


the boys should be coming back later this afternoon,

and awaiting their stories and adventures of the past two days.


it was however a welcome moment,

just having a bit of quiet and solitude

for myself.


there was thinking time, reflecting time.

and furthering this mother of my resume project.


i'm still not sure where these ideas are leading,

or if it's something i'll actually do.

but sending these resumes off, is maybe more about

releasing an energy.

or simply stepping towards a dream, a thought

and watching what evolves along the way.


i do have a second interview on wednesday

for the position that i interviewed with last week.

whether that means that i stand a good chance,

i'm not too sure yet.

we'll take that as it comes.


however, in an abstract way,

i can see it possibly being interesting

for my business as well.

which of course,

is something i definitely won't be letting go of.


it's not just my business,

but it's also something personal.

it's a part of me.


outside feels like the perfect summer day.

birds are singing, grass is lush and green,

there's just the slightest breeze.

and it's inviting a lazy summer day of nothing.


i'll be off to patti's at around two,

a swim and a dip in the pool.

and that means,

maybe i should get back to taking care of things,

bringing order into the house, run the errands,

and then find that lazy crazy day of summer


after all.