home sweet home.

heart. beats.

snow. snow. snow.

well. that's it now.

in about an hour

there'll be a taxi

taking me to a train station

that'll be taking me to the aeroport.

there's always this sensation about leaving.

about travelling. setting on a journey.

and i can't find the words for it right now.

but it's there. this sensation.

my suitcase is already downstairs.

just a few things that still need to be packed.

i'm still sitting here with a cup of coffee

and pyjamie bottoms.

and it's very early morning.

four o'clock early morning.

and it feels like the whole world is fast asleep

with just the hush of quiet around me.

mom's already warned me that it's cold.

and i think over the years i've forgotten

what minus twenty five degrees of cold can be.

i suppose it's time to remember again.

but i can't wait to see the snow.

to see the city with all her christmas lights.

to sleep in my old bed. in my old room.

or just to hear the way

mom putters thru the house

doing her thing.

or dad sits at the kitchen table with the paper

humming along to a song.

and it's when you hear those sounds,

that's when you know you're home.

home sweet home.

la lune. i like simply calling her la lune...

for all the ways in which we embrace each and every day.

and for the wonderful way we smile at the world

and the way the world smiles back with us.

and as she too, smiled and laughed...

all she simply said was...

omondieu!

she smiled and laughed and said...

omondieu!

sunday night and i'm tired.

simply and wonderfully tired.

in fact, i almost think i'm even too tired to write.

but i'll try.and simply spill a word or two before me

before i crawl into the warm comfort of blankets and pillows

and say good night for the day.


and i'm asking myself, why it is,

that weekends always come and go so quick?


saturday morning meant being up bright and early,

had an appointment with isabelle at the salon

just for a wee trim and shape and a bit of colour...

i thought.

sat there with my cup of coffee

and then isabelle spoke the words

saying we're going short.

and i think i went speechless for a moment.

needless to say,

pageboy bobbish kind of short.

and it's absolutely sweet if i can even say that myself.


and it wasn't until around noon that i found my way out

into the hustle and bustle of the streets

with all attempts at christmas. and shopping.

but it's been a while since i've been in lahr,

or simply even had the time to wander,

so it was less about taking care of gifts and presents,

and more about running into friends and faces

and taking time for coffee. at the bistro.

i managed to get a few things done

but had to be at isabelle's for three.

coffee. cake. champagne.

with the girls.

we just wanted to spend a bit of time together before i leave.

and to be honest,

it still really hasn't sunk in yet that tuesday's the day

and i'll be singing...

"so kiss me and smile for me

tell me that you'll wait for me

hold me like you'll never let me go.

cause i'm leaving on a jet plane

don't know when i'll be back again..."

and i'll be on my way home.


anyhow. a lovely afternoon with the girls.

with my bella. dani and susan too.


and on my way driving home,

a few of the things that made me smile were

of stopping at the gas station

and the cashier smiling and saying,

i haven't seen you in a while.

and me coming to think,

yeah, that's right. i haven't been here in a while.

and smiling back.

and then he gave me chocolate. yummy yummy chocolate.

simply saying,

here, have this on your way home.

at times, i swear it's the simplest and sweetest things

that make the difference.

and then, it was about driving home and following

the path and trace of a voluptious full moon

shining. bigger and brighter than life.

and on the radio they were playing the cure.

and that had me singing along with an even bigger smile...

"Show me how you do that trick

The one that makes me scream" she said

"The one that makes me laugh" she said

And threw her arms around my neck

"Show me how you do it

And I promise you,

I promise that I'll run away with you."

and god i love that song. and those words.

i think that's why it had to be written over here

and just for the way, it's a part of what life and love is meant to be.


anyhow, i still needed to get myself to the cité,

just to pick up another gift or two

but i was also supposed to be meeting up with fausto for a drink as well.

so is this the time and place i confess that i was running just a wee bit late

once again?

yes. angie. typical angie.

but i do my best.


and that was saturday.


today meant getting up early again

and heading to the office.

there's simply so much i still need to get done.

and that deadline, i have to admit again,

it does have me a bit worried.

i know everyone will be fine.

and i know everything will work out just as well.

but still.

it's the adrenaline. and the anticipation.

everytime this part of a new catalogue draws near.

and just because it matters so much. and means the world to me.


i left the office around four o'clock

and off to oberkirch i was to meet up with simone.

and how wonderful it was to see her.

we talked and talked and talked.

about what's all been and what all should be.

about men. about work. about ideas.

and simply about life.

i think we could have talked all night.


and she was simply the most wonderful inspiration.

but also the most wonderful confirmation. and motivation.


she wanted a femme heureuse shirt as well

so i had brought that along.

and she slipped into it right away.

shite. damn. silly me.

we should have taken a photograph

because trust me when i say,

she looked marvelous, absolutely marvelous in that shirt.

and that shirt looked marvelous, absolutely marvelous on her.


she has a few meetings and interviews coming up as well,

so she said there's no doubt in her mind with what she'll be wearing.

femme heureuse. that's what it's all about.

living and being. femme heureuse.


and then, driving home again,

there she was.

that moon. that beautiful and glorious moon.

i had to stop. and i had to pull off on to the side of the road.

step out and go for a walk. and have a cigarette.

and it felt like all i could do

was look at that moon. that beautiful and glorious moon.

(yes. i had quit. and back on the verge of quitting.

but every now and then. and for moments like this.

there's a time and there's a place. and a cigarette.)

and then i carried on.

driving.

and then i heard a voice i hadn't heard in a long while.

maybe an intentional long while.

but i heard his voice. speaking. on the radio.

and i had to catch my breath. hold my breath.

and remind myself.

femme heureuse. femme heureuse.

and let it go.

that voice. that thought. and the feeling of him.


and now it's sunday night,

and a chilly cold december's sunday night.

on the floor there's a suitcase almost packed.

on the table there's a glass of pinot noir at my side

and three candles burning for advent.

and looking thru my window,

there she is again.

that moon. that beautiful and glorious moon.


la lune. i like simply calling her la lune.

of smiles and laughter. and paper hearts...

a saturday.

of cutting paper hearts.

and playing with a camera.

of drinking much too much coffee.

and girls at work are girls at play.

these are the katrin sessions.

katrin came over today.

one of my sweetest dear girls at the office.

and we were on a bit of a mission.

the both of us. the camera. and a bit of omondieu!


i don't know how many photographs we took.

a hundred wouldn't nearly say enough.

but going thru them tonight

put back the smiles and the laughs that we had all day.


it felt so good to be with the camera again.

sometimes i had felt as though i had lost a bit of the vision,

and lost a bit of the language.

yes, i believe we speak a language with what we see,

with what we capture and what we share.

a language that is spoken quietly. and needs no words.

but the photo session last weekend

and then the session today,

it all felt familiar. like an old friend.

that came to embrace you again.


granted, the camera didn't always do what i wanted it to do,

and a grey december day

didn't leave me with the light i wanted neither.

but there were so many laughs. and so many smiles.

and yes. coffee. coffee. and more coffee.


i'm happy with these photographs.

these photographs of today.


and i think the whole day was about laughter.

it was about good things. sweet things.

it was about women. and it was about friends.


it was about the photographs and the talks with katrin.

and in the midsts of that,

a phone call from the salon

giving me a list of the shirts they sold

and of shirts that need to be ordered.

and i don't think i need to say,

that phone call left me with yet another smile.

there were freshly baked cookies placed on the doorstep,

(for which i'm trying my hardest not to eat all at once.)

and then there was isabelle coming over for dinner.

we drove into town to go to le bistro

because we wanted mussels, mussels, mussels.

and a good glass of wine.

isabelle and i both reckoned,

life must be a wonderful thing,

when the most difficult decision of the moment,

is deciding whether it's a chardonnay or a grauer burgunder.

needless to say, the grauer burgunder it was.

but even dinner was full of smiles and laughs.

we had talks of the heart

and those things that matter most,

but we also laughed and laughed and laughed.

so many little stories and incidences

that simply made us laugh.

(and there goes isabelle's dress... once again.)

and i honestly can't remember the last time

i laughed and smiled as much as i did today.


after dinner, we simply went for a walk

thru the christmas market.

a magical thing. and a beautiful thing.

the smells. of spices. and chocolate. and roasting chestnuts.

the people. the christmas lights. and the merry go round.

at first we thought we'd warm ourselves up with a cup of mulled wine,

but then we thought we'd do things our way,

and a glass of champagne it was.


and afterwards we came back home.

to put on a pot of tea,

of chamomile and rose and lavender.

we lit the fire and curled ourselves up on the couch

talking. talking. simply talking

until once again it was late at night.


and that makes me realise again,

how thankful and grateful i am

for my girls. my dear and wonderful girls.

and with even the distance

and the road between us since i moved away,

they still always manage to find their way.


and now i just wanted to go thru some of the photographs,

and reflect on the day. and share upon the day.

as i say good night to this day.


a saturday.

of smiles and laughter.

and cutting paper hearts.

today. today was simply one of those days.

there are days, you are simply filled with a vulnerability.

and it leaves you feeling fragile. transparent.

of sensitive skin. and a sensitive heart.


but it's in that fragility and that weakness,

that you also find your strength.

and when you can simply allow yourself to fall

to embrace even this,

there's a calm that wraps itself around you,

like arms, that protect you, shelter you.

arms that cradle you.


today.

today was simply one of those days.


and if i look back,

in so many ways it was a good day.

maybe a bit chaotic, as most of my days are.

but that's me. simply a part of me.


and there were moments that made me smile,

there were moments that made me hope.

but yet, there was this vulnerability.

this yearning. this longing.

and the holding on of the letting go.

those moments when you falter. and stumble just a little bit.


today.

today was simply one of those days.


and now it's late night. once again.

i have a candle lit on my table.

i have a vase filled with stems of rosehips.

and if you think about it. what a beautiful word.

rose. hips.

they hold such a simplicity in them. a richness of simplicity.


i had a meeting with wilma tonight.

having to bring her a few of my fleurs for her shop.

she has the sweetest, the loveliest little flower shop.

so it was nice,

knowing that in these small steps,

there's just a bit more magic on it's way.

the secret garden kind of magic.


oh today.

today was simply one of those days.


vulnerable.

and it leaves you feeling fragile. transparent.

of sensitive skin. and a sensitive heart.

promises... that we speak. that we keep.

promse me you'll never forget me,

because if i thought you would...

i'd never leave.

- a.a. milne -

(and maybe just for the love of winnie the pooh... )

those are words that floated around me today.

simply floated. and made me smile.

and it was as though i was whispering these words to someone,

knowing that although he might not hear.

there's this constant glow of hope

that he just might feel those words. those thoughts.

and even if he doesn't know why,

that he just might catch himself smiling,

feeling something floating around him too.

---------------

got up rather tired this morning.

after a late night with the girls on friday night.

spent the day at the office,

trying to take steps forward with the catalogue.

it's close to insanity that i'm taking holidays so close before deadline

but it's something that needs to be done,

and i really need this holiday.

and just time spent with mom. with dad.

and just time spent back home.

but we had a good day and although somedays,

the work can't be measured or seen,

we managed to move forward.

small steps at times are big steps.


i didn't leave the office until maybe around six

drove off to pick up my rocking chair.

yes, i got myself a rocking chair.

something i've wanted for the bedroom for a while now.

a nice. white. old. rocking chair.

and the plan was that i was going to get back in time

to quickly sneak into ikea.

needing to stock up on my candles

and all those other little things,

as well as the shelves for behind the bed.

i swear, am i the only one that can go into ikea

and pick up candles for over fifty euro?

something i do every couple of months.

me. and my candles.

i have a whole cupboard just for me and my candles.

anyhow, i didn't make it in time.

needless to say.

i thought they were open until ten o'clock

but that wasn't the case.

so onward. homeward.

with a quick stop at the grocery store

that thankfully, was still open.

it's rare here in germany that a store is open that late.

and i can't tell you how glad i am,

that it's also a store, right across the street from me.

convience. convience. absolute convience.

so we'll have to save ikea for another night,

hopefully later this week.

if somehow time will allow.


so after getting home,

and getting my flowers finally put in vases,

and throwing in a bit of laundry

(these days, i feel like i've done everything and anything

other than win the housekeeper of the year award.

oh god. i swear one day i want a cleaning lady!)

i just wanted to pour myself a glass of wine

and pour water into the bath

and slip myself away.

but elisabeth called and we spent over an hour on the phone.

ahem. girls.

when they talk.

and trust me, there's always much to say.

i don't think the men really get it. these conversations we women can have.

elisabeth is away doing a market this weekend

and i maybe should have driven down to see her tonight

as i was almost already in that neck of the woods.

but considering i need to be up early in the morning,

i just reckoned it would be better to drive home.

and she was in her hotel room, drinking a glass of wine.

so that probably explains,

how and what our conversation was like.

oh the silliness. the sweet sweet silliness.


other sweet things of the past few days?

thursday night was ludwigsburg.

went to charlotte roche's last reading

of her ever so disputable and for many,

shocking book.

feuchtgebiete.

which i believe is just being translated into english.

wetlands.

for those with a vivid imagination.

yes. disputable. but i like to think,

taken with a touch of vulgar humour.

i won't say anything more.


anyhow. i wanted to go to the reading in karlsruhe back in april,

but that was sold out right away.

one of my girls at the office said she got tickets for ludwigsburg

so we decided to go together.

and it was all worth the while.



and other good news was all the little omondieu! stirrings.

a wonderful email from ruth in munich

and a wonderful phone call from regine.

one of her customer's bought a hüftgold shirt,

and as the saying goes,

she told a friend who told a friend who told a friend...

and now there's another store asking for the shirts,

with a whole order for the hüftgold

and asking which other shirts there are to be had

alongside the secret garden rings.

i can put a nice order together right away.

i can't believe what it is about this shirt.

hüftgold.

but i think that it's wonderful,

that so many women are having fun with that word,

and with that statement.

and yes, it makes me giggle. it makes me smile.

i just have to find and make the time

to put the rest of it together again.

but these next days

and these next weeks,

time is going to be a rarity.

but such is life. c'est la vie.

and we'll figure it out somehow.

isn't that the magic of things,

how everything always does

simply fall into place?

(also one of those things

that long telephone conversations were all about...

because damn there's been some magic happening these days.)


but for now,

i think i just have to get myself off to bed.

up early in the morning

first for breakfast with isabelle

then off to the salon for a photo session with her girls

and then a photo session for a project

with a few of her clients as well.

and it's been a while since i've done assignments like that

but i'm excited about it. hoping i can capture it,

capture and ignite the beauty in each and every one.


and then depending on how time will go,

i'll see if i can make it out to patti's.

coffee with patti. i miss my coffees with patti.

and sunday evening is dinner with gwen.

her birthday dinner. and just the two of us.

i know she won't read this until maybe later,

so i can say it now.

but all that this wonderful girl is getting,

is a good bottle of wine,

some sundried tomatoes,

and an array of lemon pepper, truffel and barolo tagliatelle

that i picked up at the market.

i've added a sprig of rosemary and oregano from the garden.

and packed it in a picnic box.

and that's just what this gift is supposed to say,

the promise of a spring weekend in italy.

just a short trip. a small trip.

lago di como this time. or maybe lago maggiore again.

gwen and i like to do that. just every now and then.

and of course,

come spring, i'll need another white oleander. and an olive tree.

and those are the things,

that i like to always bring back with me.

it's the little stories that can be told.

and as we know,

everything has its story. everything has its reason.

and it's also these stories, these reasons,

that gwen too, always understands.

and in her stride, takes as a part of me.


happy birthday my dear girl.

and thank you for always being there.

for being a part of me.


but for now,

this little girl has got to find her way to bed.

i think that today,

it was simply about that. it was simply about promises.

those that we speak. and those that we keep.


and those that live in hope...

love life. passionately...

love life. passionately. out loud. and in colour.

dare. to be bold. cause magic. share s ecrets.

la di da di da.

i've done it. i've really really done.

and yes. just a wee bit proud of myself too.

omondieu! is now officially back. and on. line.

there's still a lot of work to be done.

of words written. and photographs taken.

but this is what it's about

starting. again.

and doing it. simply doing it.

i'm still trying to figure out a technicality or two.

not really my greatest forte.

me. and technical things.

i honestly think,

i must have skipped school on that particular day.

ooops.

but i did it. i really really did it.

and all on my sweet sweet own.

but also with friends

that have pushed me along the way.

and walked with me along the way.

blowing you a kiss.

love. hugs. ange.

omondieu!

tracing hearts... with fingertips.

waking up on a sunday morning

to snow falling outside the window

while the hearth is still warm

from the fire of the night before.

and going for a walk

on a freshly fallen white blanket.

tracing hearts... with fingertips.

that was yesterday. the sweet of sunday yesterday.

and i guess that's what the storm and the north wind

of the night before was whispering.

snow. she was whispering and promising snow.

i had pup with me on the weekend. my lenny. bo benny.

apparently he was doing a bit better thru the week,

but still not back to his usual playful self.

still not wanting to go for his walks,

and still not wanting to eat.

and on friday when they called me,

they said he hadn't left the car all day.

just laid there. inside.

so i drove out right away after work,

and as soon as i pulled up in the driveway

and walked to the gate,

pup jumped out of the car and came running straight for me.

i stepped in to talk with them, and lenny kept walking to the door,

almost as though to say,

"come on. let's go. let's go now. what is it you're waiting for..."

and then we drove home.

i love that feeling of coming home with him.

or the feeling of coming home to him.

the cuddles. the greetings. lenny hugs as i always call them.

and i know this knows sounds harsh,

but after klaus passed away,

there was a time that i was so angry,

i was angry that he left. that he left us behind.

and not just me. but lenny too.

and maybe angry is the wrong word, too hard and bitter a word.

i think maybe it was more the hurt.

and more the loss.

because i felt like i was losing both.

and without being given a choice.

and the last thing i wanted to do

was to have to give lenny away.

but i loved the pup too much to be a selfish soul.

it wasn't going to be fair to him,

with the hours the work, and i'm the time i'm away.

and to leave him on his own.

that's not why you bring something into your life,

or take something on into your life.

and i honestly think i prayed each and every night,

trying to imagine and envision the perfect solution.

that if i had to give him away, it wouldn't have to be to strangers,

rather a place that i knew he would be good to them

and just as they would be good to him.

and a place that i knew

i could see him when i needed him.

or he needed me.

just to go for a walk. just to go for a talk.

and when it seemed as though there was hardly an answer in sight,

it was achim that called.

and i'll never forget when he said,

"i've got it, ange. i've got the answer.

let me figure this out and i'll get back to you.

i think i've got the answer..."

and he kept his word.

just as he always does.

just as achim always does.

and ironically,

klaus was the name of lenny's new home as well.

and that's the way it's been this past year and some.

i get to see my beau, my pup

just every now and then.

i think i always had the fear,

that he'd forget with time

or that it just wouldn't be the same.

but my heart still always melts

when i realise how wrong i was.

because whenever they bring him to me

or i go to pick him up

and it's almost as though he says

"what took you so long this time... i've been waiting..."

and he's all mine. he's all mine again.

we had a wonderful and quiet weekend.

i got my work done.

and there were lenny cuddles galore.

there were walks along the running creek

although we had to go easy. although we had to go slow.

and sunday was waking up

with snow falling outside.

and as soon as he caught me stirring,

he was nudging and poking

ready to head out.

to discover the world. to play to with the world.

i grabbed my cup of coffee

threw on my coat, a scarf, a pair of gloves. and my hat.

there's always something about a woman, when she gets to wear a hat.

and off we went. into the first and gentle snow.

the rest of the day had me finally doing

what has been long meant to be in the doing.

and with pup at my feet

having a lazy sunday snooze,

a fire burning and a cup of tea

i finally started working on my website.

and to be honest,

i hadn't a clue what i was doing.

susan has long been offering her help,

and just like lenny,

doing her nudge. and doing her poke.

but for whatever reason,

there were these obstacles. inner and outer obstacles.

something that's been holding back. holding me down.

too long a story to get into right now.

but suddenly,

instead of looking at what i no longer had,

what i had lost along the way.

i just finally decided to start again. to do this again.

and how silly have i been.

because even with all the support and love that's been endlessly given,

and i was just too stubborn to see. or even to receive.

and be it susan. or be it christoph.

(because you brought it all back into my hands.

thank you for that. thank you.)

and even thru some of the ugly legal shite that came with the game.

i think maybe i just needed my time.

klaus used to always take care of all the technical things.

we worked well as a designing team. we simply worked well.

i would blueprint. and he'd put what i saw into motion.

but everytime there was a technical issue,

it was just too easy to call his name.

and often since, i've actually found myself,

challenged myself.

and figuring out a thing or two.

how do i install this. or how do i install that.

or what was the fecking password you used?

it's almost eerie, thinking back.

but i'll never forget one of the last times he was here,

he set something up with the phone and the internet,

and wrote something down and said,

"just in case anything happens. keep this. you'll need this."

and it's the last piece of paper i have,

written with his hand.

i smiled at him that night and said,

"my dear. if anything ever happens. that's when i call you."

sometimes i wonder if he already knew...

and you know what.

i often do. i often call him. and ask for help.

and there's been these amazing wonders

of the way he does.

klaus was seventeen years of my life.

and we might not have made it as lovers or as partners in crime.

but with time and at the end of the day,

we made it as friends. the truest and most honest of friends.

but anyhow, fact is,

the one thing that i never imagined i'd do

is put a website together.

and that i could do it on my own.

and i don't want to pat myself on my shoulder,

but i'm going to say it. and i'm going to say it out loud.

damn i'm proud of myself.

of me, myself and i.

and maybe that drop dead beautiful man he was

is sitting up there,

smiling and smirking away. the way he always did...

and maybe just a wee little bit proud of me too.

you know, i still see that smile. that smirk.

every now and then.

it still all needs a day or two

until i get it online.

and by far it's no masterpiece.

rather simply me, starting back from zero,

and starting back from scratch.

there are still photos that need to be taken.

and words that need to be written.

and learning (always learning) what to do.

but it's a work in progress.

and it'll grow from here.

and i'll say it again. i'll simply say it again.

femme heureuse.

never underestimate the power of what of you hold inside.

and always be patient with yourself.

always be kind with yourself.

femme heureuse.

oh. there's so much more i wanted to talk about.

politics that are on my mind

and politics that make me want to speak my mind.

and i still have yet to tell the paris stories

the stories that i call "this lost and found".

of the eiffel tower. of paris. of a lion. and a ring.

a wedding ring.

but we'll just have to save that all

for another day.

because right now,

maybe it's just all about tracing hearts

with fingertips...

in november snow.

this language of the heart...

rain. on these streets. and thru these windows.

of a café. in paris.

brian andreas once said,

"I carry you with me into the world,

into the smell of rain and the words that dance between people.

And for me, it will always be this way,

walking in the light,

remembering being alive together."


and i find those to be beautiful words.

-----------

there's a storm tossing and turning outside right now.

and she feels a bit restless

in her glorious way.


and i'm going to listen to her,

thru these windows and with the still of night

as i lay myself down.

trying to hear what it is she wants to say.

just like this heart.

just like this heart.

-----------

what is it that your heart wanted to say today?

what is it that made your heart smile.

ever so quietly smile...?

the warmth of a cold november night.

and again.

going thru older photographs.
london. café rouge sessions.

monday night.

and it's cold and chilly tonight.

i came home from work a bit late, again,

threw on my most comfy " i never want to part with you" sweats,

went thru my ritual of lighting the candles,

and decided tonight wanted a fire being lit as well.

i want warmth tonight.

and blankets wrapped around me.

the day left me feeling good, content.

maybe a bit tired,

but feeling good. and wanting warmth.

it was yet another good day. of work.

of a walk thru the autumn woods at lunch

just to step away and step outside.

and it was a day of people that put smiles on my face,

with just the simplicity of a phone call,

and of a voice i always love to hear.

herr sievert. the charming and schöne herr sievert.

and isabelle called as well,

saying she found the sweater that we saw on saturday.

and i wanted the sweater, i really did,

but i reckoned it needed to be just a size bigger,

which the store didn't have of course,

and with isabelle trying to convince me otherwise.

but i reckoned i'd try to get myself to karlsruhe this week,

to see if maybe they had it there.

so when she told me that found it, i let out a little shriek of giddiness

until she told me,

no, she bought me the same size because it suited me just fine.

silly girl.

but god i love her.

she already spoilt me on saturday

giving me a christian audigier shirt.

she said saw it and knew it had to be mine.

it was the crown and the angel wings,

and a god save the queen.

yes, i said it already. and i'll say it again.

silly girl. silly girl.

smiles...

and wanting more warmth,

it's november nights like this, that call for a soup.

homemade. fresh. lovely soup.

i still had some hokkaido from the weekend

and a few shrimps as well.

i wasn't sure if it was going to taste together,

but it did.

pumpkin soup. with shrimps.

i don't know what it is about soup.

the symbolism of it.

it is a food of the heart. and the hearth.

there's something motherly about it. something nuturing.

and yes, it's these autumn come winter days

that i can come home

and make myself a soup.

and while letting things simmer on the stove,

i was keeping my eye on my auction,

and my deer antlers that i oh so want.

but it didn't work out.

i set my limit. and admitted defeat.

and even though it was the most perfect crown,

and reflected the most perfect pride and majestic glory,

i was something i couldn't do at that high a price.

and i suppose,

that's just the way it is in life as well with so many things.

no matter how much you want, no matter how much you yearn,

there's the moment when you graciously take a bow,

and step away.

and sometimes,

i think that takes more strength than it does weakness.

so again,

i'm comforting myself,

saying this wasn't the one.

and with a bit of patience, and with a little bit of time,

i know it will be.

i'll have my deer antlers yet.

what was the weekend about?

saturday was about heading down to the salon in the morning,

dropping off bits and pieces of the mink & pearls collection,

and the goldzauber shirt collection as well.

at least i think that's what i'm going to call it.

i haven't yet decided.

the shirts are about women and their glory,

and all these playful and wonderful things we are.

it's about feminity and the voluptious of curves.

it's about love. the love we give

but also the love for ourselves

(need we never forget. need we never forget.)

it's about loving life and being bold.

and the statements of the shirts

are written in gold.

in german. in english. and in french.

i introduced a few in the last catalogue with work,

but a part of this line still needs to be separate

with an identity of it's own

and that part of omondieu!

so after i finished off there and strolled thru the saturday market,

i picked up isabelle and timmy

and off to freiburg we were.

just walked around,

spending a lovely day.

and meeting up with maureen in her shop

for a coffee

and to pick up the janete zamboni pieces

that i've long been waiting for.

and after grabbing more coffee and a quick bite to eat

in one of my favourite cafés in freiburg.

the aran cafe.

we decided to head home a bit later in the afternoon

stopping off to get our groceries

and then deciding we just might as well do dinner together too.

i love cooking with friends.

you learn. you teach. enjoy a glass of wine.

it's the talks while you cook.

or even conversations when you don't even need to say a word,

and it's the laughs or even the little mishaps that become more laughs.

so we just did ourselves a bit of thai.

chicken and carrots and sweet peas with curry and ginger and rice.

and again. i didn't get home until late.

sunday was a day i just wanted and needed to spend with myself.

things have been so busy lately. a constant come and go.

with work. with life.

and i just needed home day. and i just needed quiet day.

to sort thru thoughts. of the mind. and of the heart.

there's someone i really miss these days.

and that i can't help

but think of him every now again and so often.

and if i only knew,

that he's thinking of me too.

maybe just every once in a while.

i spent a bit of the morning in the garden

with a cup of coffee.

kind of taking a close look at the things i had planted,

the things i sowed, the things that bloomed and blossomed.

and wondering what it'll bring with spring.

and then i spent a part of the morning

cleaning house. and purging.

going thru this and that.

i need that too every now and then.

kind of like a feng shui of the soul.

and i drank tea. and sorted thru compliations of magazines.

i listened to old cds. norah and natalie and diana too.

and put an afternoon fire

while finally curling up with a book to read.

and late afternoon,

my lenny bo benny came by for a visit.

he had me a bit worried as i had a call last week

saying he wasn't doing too well.

he wasn't eating. he wasn't walking.

on friday they told me he was a bit better

but on medication.

and i did want to see him, but we reckoned it might be better to wait

and see how things go.

and i wanted to head down to visit on sunday evening,

but then they called saying they were on their way.

and as soon as the pup realised where he was,

there was no stopping him.

he was back to his old self.

he wasn't limping, he didn't seem to feel any pain.

he was full of cuddles and couldn't wait to go for a walk.

and they were in a state of disbelief,

saying he hadn't been like that for over a week.

god. i miss my pup. i really miss my pup.

i might be driving to munich this coming weekend,

but i'm really thinking of staying here

and having pup with me instead.

i think it would do the both of us good.

and i don't think there'll be a weekend i can spend with him otherwise

before i fly home for the holidays.

anyhow,

it's already late

and i just started the bath water running.

a midnight bath.

i just want to slip inside

and feel a bit more warmth,

feel the water. and the quiet.

and the softness of light.

and then i want to take that with me into the night.

the warmth of a cold november night.

i hope this warmth finds you too...