Monday, November 24, 2008

tracing hearts... with fingertips.

waking up on a sunday morning
to snow falling outside the window
while the hearth is still warm
from the fire of the night before.
and going for a walk
on a freshly fallen white blanket.
tracing hearts... with fingertips.

that was yesterday. the sweet of sunday yesterday.

and i guess that's what the storm and the north wind

of the night before was whispering.

snow. she was whispering and promising snow.


i had pup with me on the weekend. my lenny. bo benny.

apparently he was doing a bit better thru the week,

but still not back to his usual playful self.

still not wanting to go for his walks,

and still not wanting to eat.


and on friday when they called me,

they said he hadn't left the car all day.

just laid there. inside.

so i drove out right away after work,

and as soon as i pulled up in the driveway

and walked to the gate,

pup jumped out of the car and came running straight for me.

i stepped in to talk with them, and lenny kept walking to the door,

almost as though to say,

"come on. let's go. let's go now. what is it you're waiting for..."

and then we drove home.


i love that feeling of coming home with him.

or the feeling of coming home to him.

the cuddles. the greetings. lenny hugs as i always call them.

and i know this knows sounds harsh,

but after klaus passed away,

there was a time that i was so angry,

i was angry that he left. that he left us behind.

and not just me. but lenny too.

and maybe angry is the wrong word, too hard and bitter a word.


i think maybe it was more the hurt.

and more the loss.

because i felt like i was losing both.

and without being given a choice.


and the last thing i wanted to do

was to have to give lenny away.

but i loved the pup too much to be a selfish soul.

it wasn't going to be fair to him,

with the hours the work, and i'm the time i'm away.

and to leave him on his own.

that's not why you bring something into your life,

or take something on into your life.


and i honestly think i prayed each and every night,

trying to imagine and envision the perfect solution.

that if i had to give him away, it wouldn't have to be to strangers,

rather a place that i knew he would be good to them

and just as they would be good to him.

and a place that i knew

i could see him when i needed him.

or he needed me.

just to go for a walk. just to go for a talk.


and when it seemed as though there was hardly an answer in sight,

it was achim that called.

and i'll never forget when he said,

"i've got it, ange. i've got the answer.

let me figure this out and i'll get back to you.

i think i've got the answer..."


and he kept his word.

just as he always does.

just as achim always does.


and ironically,

klaus was the name of lenny's new home as well.

and that's the way it's been this past year and some.

i get to see my beau, my pup

just every now and then.


i think i always had the fear,

that he'd forget with time

or that it just wouldn't be the same.

but my heart still always melts

when i realise how wrong i was.

because whenever they bring him to me

or i go to pick him up

and it's almost as though he says

"what took you so long this time... i've been waiting..."

and he's all mine. he's all mine again.


we had a wonderful and quiet weekend.

i got my work done.

and there were lenny cuddles galore.

there were walks along the running creek

although we had to go easy. although we had to go slow.


and sunday was waking up

with snow falling outside.

and as soon as he caught me stirring,

he was nudging and poking

ready to head out.

to discover the world. to play to with the world.


i grabbed my cup of coffee

threw on my coat, a scarf, a pair of gloves. and my hat.

there's always something about a woman, when she gets to wear a hat.

and off we went. into the first and gentle snow.


the rest of the day had me finally doing

what has been long meant to be in the doing.

and with pup at my feet

having a lazy sunday snooze,


a fire burning and a cup of tea

i finally started working on my website.

and to be honest,

i hadn't a clue what i was doing.

susan has long been offering her help,

and just like lenny,

doing her nudge. and doing her poke.

but for whatever reason,

there were these obstacles. inner and outer obstacles.

something that's been holding back. holding me down.

too long a story to get into right now.


but suddenly,

instead of looking at what i no longer had,

what i had lost along the way.

i just finally decided to start again. to do this again.

and how silly have i been.

because even with all the support and love that's been endlessly given,

and i was just too stubborn to see. or even to receive.

and be it susan. or be it christoph.

(because you brought it all back into my hands.

thank you for that. thank you.)

and even thru some of the ugly legal shite that came with the game.

i think maybe i just needed my time.


klaus used to always take care of all the technical things.

we worked well as a designing team. we simply worked well.

i would blueprint. and he'd put what i saw into motion.

but everytime there was a technical issue,

it was just too easy to call his name.

and often since, i've actually found myself,

challenged myself.

and figuring out a thing or two.

how do i install this. or how do i install that.

or what was the fecking password you used?


it's almost eerie, thinking back.

but i'll never forget one of the last times he was here,

he set something up with the phone and the internet,

and wrote something down and said,

"just in case anything happens. keep this. you'll need this."

and it's the last piece of paper i have,

written with his hand.

i smiled at him that night and said,

"my dear. if anything ever happens. that's when i call you."

sometimes i wonder if he already knew...


and you know what.

i often do. i often call him. and ask for help.

and there's been these amazing wonders

of the way he does.


klaus was seventeen years of my life.

and we might not have made it as lovers or as partners in crime.

but with time and at the end of the day,

we made it as friends. the truest and most honest of friends.


but anyhow, fact is,

the one thing that i never imagined i'd do

is put a website together.

and that i could do it on my own.

and i don't want to pat myself on my shoulder,

but i'm going to say it. and i'm going to say it out loud.

damn i'm proud of myself.

of me, myself and i.


and maybe that drop dead beautiful man he was

is sitting up there,

smiling and smirking away. the way he always did...

and maybe just a wee little bit proud of me too.

you know, i still see that smile. that smirk.

every now and then.


it still all needs a day or two

until i get it online.

and by far it's no masterpiece.

rather simply me, starting back from zero,

and starting back from scratch.

there are still photos that need to be taken.

and words that need to be written.

and learning (always learning) what to do.

but it's a work in progress.

and it'll grow from here.


and i'll say it again. i'll simply say it again.

femme heureuse.

never underestimate the power of what of you hold inside.

and always be patient with yourself.

always be kind with yourself.

femme heureuse.


oh. there's so much more i wanted to talk about.

politics that are on my mind

and politics that make me want to speak my mind.

and i still have yet to tell the paris stories

the stories that i call "this lost and found".

of the eiffel tower. of paris. of a lion. and a ring.

a wedding ring.


but we'll just have to save that all

for another day.


because right now,

maybe it's just all about tracing hearts

with fingertips...


in november snow.

2 comments:

bruce said...

this
brought tears to my eyes
tears of joy, i think,
tears of loss, friends,
father, mother,
yet
still this night
tears of joy and
love, yes, love
i still have
the words sent
a few short years
ago
thank you
for the reminder

maddie said...

made me cry

l o v e always fills me
up and spills over...


love YOU


:)