Sunday, June 11, 2006

letting go. of perspective.

sunday, and reflecting back on a week. and a weekend.

there's been a bit of a blur of this, a blur of that.

days feel like they are weaving and entwining themselves.

and what frightens me almost most,

is to think that this time next week,

my brother will already be here.

please read that i am so not not ready for this.

the house, my work, my life.

yes, looking forward to the big brother

and very much looking forward to cole, my nephew.

they're bringing a friend along,

and i haven't a clue who he is...

however, i reckon i'll let the boys do their thing,

and simply hope that i have enough time as well,

just for myself and cole.

he'll be turning sixteen while he's here.

that means in germany,

i'll be able to take the boy out for a beer.

haven't yet decided if that makes me a good aunt,

or not?

unofficially, the weekend i believe really started on thursday.

at least that was the last bit of "work" i officially did.

and to be honest, having a lesser bit of guilt with that,

than i normally would.

backtrack story

to thursday night, or better said, friday early morning.

and me in bed, trying to sleep and simply not finding the sleep i want.

a text message comes in, and it's quarter to one in the morning.

wondering if it's petra, still in denmark?

or maybe someone else, far enough away.

but it's isabelle and to be honest, that left me a bit worried.

she was still on holidays in italy, so i thought.

and it's not the usual hour to hear from isabelle.

but then i read...

Sweetie, are you still up? If you're already sleeping, please call me first thing in the morning. It's IMPORTANT!!! And make no plans for Sunday. Loves You, Isabelle

maybe it was the hour of the night, but my mind went on a spin.

i wrote back saying yes, i'm still awake, and if i should call her... now.

but she beat me to it, i don't even think i had hit send,

and the phone was already ringing.

hearing her voice, i knew that things were good,

however rather surprised to hear that she was already home.

she said that she was too restless during the holiday,

decided to leave early.

and simply felt as though she needed to be home again.

she had just gotten in, was going thru her post

and had a letter from the quiz show, to which was her brilliant brainstorm,

back in january or february i believe.

however note, that i do say brilliant with a touch of irony.

and yes, i'll always be one to go with the spontaneously crazy ideas.

we had of course forgotten in the meanwhile,

possibly yes, letting go of an insane idea.

and then she opens her mail, and reads that we're to be in böblingen

for the casting on sunday, the eleventh of june.

not sure if i woke up the house, but yes, there was a bit of a shriek,

and an oh my god and a few other choice words that spilled into the room.

isabelle kept saying, she knew there was a reason she came home earlier.

had she not came back until saturday night,

she prolly wouldn't have opened the post, until sunday morning coffee.

and of course, that would have been much much too late.

needless to say, that had me back to wide awake,

and sleep even all the further.

i needed to be up early and get some work done

before heading out the door. meeting at nine, and another at one thirty.

and days with meetings out and about, usually leave me

behind on all other things we like to call work.

not sure how, but early morning came easy

and out for a walk with the pup.

took the phone with me, with intentions of writing isabelle,

just to check the facts and really, that it wasn't a bluff.

and found other sweet messages, putting a smile on the face.

always a good way to start the day.

managed to get myself out the door, even if just a bit late,

and didn't find my way home again, until i was almost ready

to head out again.

quick calls with isabelle and decision met, we needed a coffee

and a quick meeting to discuss sunday morning.

headed out there around four in the afternoon,

coffee was ready, and a little garden party too.

no idea what we meant to discuss,

other than the girly girl things of what to wear.

back home by seven, and all good intentions of getting myself back to work,

however that quickly passed as well.

took pup out for a quick walk,

only to come back and find patti waiting at the door,

claiming it's friday, and she refuses to let me work

and she's taking me out to the party at the riding stalls.

which the handball team does each year, however this year's exception

was the excuse of the world cup.

explanation, that's the riding stalls is prolly the only thing

that this sleepy town is known for. that and of course,

the handball team, and their parties.

meissenheim population of 3600.

however, home of the horse riding and handball.

and during this weekend, the population basically triples itself.

with the folk coming from hamburg and munich and berlin

and all places in between.

also needless to say, in all the years i've lived here,

a party that i've always managed to avoid?

i don't think patti was giving me much choice in the matter,

and looking at the clock, i reckoned i might as well.

however, a few cuba libre's later,

and fast forward to the wee hours of the morning again,

i left patti and the other girls where they were

and found my way home.

a brilliant night and yes, again,

meeting up with folk that i just haven't seen in too long.

saturday left me a bit tired.

attempts at doing something with the state of the house,

getting ready for the big bro & co.,

and a much needed sleep in the middle of the afternoon.

regine came by for a walk and a talk

so i took her and pup out to my favourite little spot in the woods.

kind of a secret spot, where thoughts are always clear,

and yes, conversation always good.

home by seven and again, the thought that maybe work should be done,

especially after the week i had.

however, the week i had also seemed to justify,

that maybe it was just fine, to let it be. and let it go.

i had the house for myself, something i very much enjoy these days.

cooked myself a lovely dinner, checked the tele

and decided nothing worth the watching.

i don't even recall the last time i had an evening of couch and lazy.

flipped thru the dvd's and decided watching sideways would be just right.

later a midnight walk with pup

and setting the alarm clock for ungodly hours of a sunday morning

which i believe meant five am.

full moon and sleep wasn't really happening.

and there were thoughts that took me elsewhere.

or simply let the mind wander. sweetly.

morning came easy. and maybe felt like the promise of a good day.

blue skies. soft summer breeze thru the window.

and a pup trying to snuggle beside me.

got myself out the door by six, and isabelle had coffee waiting.

we decided to get to böblingen early and left by seven.

stop for a coffee on the way, and then simply not stress,

and have yet another, once we get there.

and it was strange, because i can't really say i was nervous,

and i believe, it was actually isabelle that showed a bit of the syndrome?

we were all called in, a total of twenty-three teams,

as this show is done with partners, in sets of two.

they explained that we were to individually answer 25 questions,

and unlike the show itself, each must answer for themselves.

i honestly had an "oh shite" moment, as i'd be needing isabelle

helping me out with things like german literature,

and german politic or history to a degree.

and then decided, it's always my instinct

i usually best rely on, and no other choice remaining,

other to guess on what i really didn't have the slightest clue over.

the speed of the questions was fast,

and at times, you really weren't able to think.

almost felt like high school final exams,

of multiple choice, and the eagle eye watching,

so that you really didn't cheat.

a few of the questions threw me off,

i can't say it was the german, however definitely the speed,

and then thinking, uhm, what was brazil again, A, B, C or D?

so i simply wrote the answer on the side,

instead of marking my x.

when that was over, and we were all sent out of the room,

isabelle and i compared a few answers. at times i thought relief.

and at times i thought ooops.

we were called back in and told that the totals of the team were added,

and only a few would actually make it to the video casting.

which of course, still doesn't mean, that you make it to the show.

the video tapings would be reviewed again by the editors at the production company.

he started calling names, and there weren't many.

as he passed by most of the quiz sheets,

i really reckoned our chance was done.

it mattered. and it didn't.

i think that today was simply about having fun,

doing something that you don't do every other day,

and yet another adventure in a thing we call friendship.

of course, in all politeness, all would clap

when a team's name was called.

but you could tell, that most were saying a silent prayer,

of please let my name be called as well.

and then we heard it.

our names. angela and isabelle.

i let out a shriek i believe, isabelle too.

a hug and a kiss and a shriek again.

i think we were the only ones that even let out the slightest of an emotion?

and it felt real, and it felt good at that moment.

as isabelle later said, it felt just the way it was meant to have felt.

out of the twenty three teams, only six teams progressed to the video casting.

i did feel bad for those that left the room,

you could see it written on their faces, that many hopes were shattered.

we were given another form and questionaire to fill out,

given a briefing again, hen told to leave the room and be called in,

team by team.

we were watching the time, and most teams seemed to be in casting

for five to ten minutes.

we were second last to be called in

however i believe that according to the watch,

we were about fifteen minutes of casting, if not more.

it was mostly dialogue between us and them.

questions on how you met, what the relation is,

they asked about omondieu! as well

and other things that i can't really recall at the moment.

it is hard to say if we will be chosen.

i really honestly don't know what my inner voice is saying.

but in a sense, it doesn't matter.

because simply the day in itself,

and even though it doesn't count, or it doesn't claim a prize,

simply making it into that small, select round,

was already a success in itself.

and yes, simply having fun, the girls out and about,

and in a sense, letting go.

not setting the expectation, and simply being ourselves.

that's the one thing that i told isabelle in the car.

i don't want us thinking about the money, or thinking about the next round.

i simply want us to go there, and be ourselves.

the rest of our lives isn't going to shatter upon this day.

i'm not sure if that makes sense here,

but we both understood. and that was all that mattered.

after the casting, we walked over to a café by the lake,

a gorgeously perfect summer day.

celebrated the sunday with a glass of champagne,

and decided to share a salad.

had an espresso, and then another

and found our way home.

listening to tunes quite loud in the car

[and isabelle hates it when i play with the volume on the stereo]

she started getting annoyed about the dutch driver that couldn't decide,

whether he was going to pass or hit the brakes.

she finally managed to pass him, uttering a bit of aggrevation under her breath.

i took a look and said, isabelle, chill.

one glance and i thought, definitely an isabelle candidate.

he's a sweetie. take a look. you'll like him.

and excuse me, what was a dutch man doing on the autobahn,

just as the dutch team was playing their first game in the world cup?

i was just playful and silly

and reckoned isabelle needed to get back to playful and silly too.

god, it's been so long since i've had those moments.

i started doing the backseat driver thing.

"isabelle, get back into the right lane, and slow down. let him pass you.

and look at the guy. i'll grab the steering wheel just in case you look too long."

she looked. she melted.

he verved into the right lane as well, right before us.

"isabelle, get back into the left lane, and pass him. smile and i'll grab the wheel."

she just kind of looked at me and asked,

"ang, who the hell are you? do i know you?"

and i simply asked her to trust me.

to be honest, i was questioning my own sanity.

but yes, these are the things you do for friends.

we kept the game going quite nicely, and mr. dutch was playing as well.

i leaned back to get a piece of paper,

was going to write down, "next rest area... coffee"

and let her hold that in the window as he passed again.

because yes, he was looking and smiling each and everytime.

but i believe, that's when isabelle kind of screamed,

"don't you even dare think about it. don't even even dare."

and we had to exit soon too.

he passed us once more. saw that we were taking the exit.

a last smile, a last wave and us off the autobahn.

at the lights, isabelle just said,

"why didn't i keep driving?"

and we had a girl with a smile from ear to ear.

confession from her, that she had fun with that.

and would never have had the courage on her own.

i told her it was on her own. i just gave her the nudge and the poke.

and reminded her, to change the perspective.

wasn't this the guy she was just cursing before?

so the rest of the drive back home,

a grinning girl beside me, and one questioning,

where that nudging and poking angi came from.

i reckon, it was simply today. and yes, letting go.

today, i just felt like it was time to let go.

let wishes and dreams and hopes unfold themselves.

taking fears and placing them aside,

saying, whatever will be will be.

anyhow. that's pretty well a novel.

and regine has called, and needs a talk [again].

so i reckon, work will be tomorrow

and definitely not this weekend.

and off to the bistro for a coffee [again] i am.

and whether we make it to the show?

yes. no. maybe i don't know.

but at the moment, today was just perfect the way it was.

[photograph... simply one of my favourites, of isabelle.]


susan said...

what can I say except this is the angie i knew was inside!
who has now made a grande debut on the outside!!!!!

susanna said...

I really enjoy reading your style of writing. I could envision everything from walking the pup to ordering drinks at the World Cup party to sitting in the backseat of the car, flirting with the Dutch Man. What fun! I'm sure he's walking just a bit taller and wearing a smile today.