Saturday, August 18, 2007

opening up.

i did it again. it's been a while since i've written.

and although the intention has been there.

things have just been busy with work.

the next catalogue is finished. friday it was all brought to the printer.

and i'm happy with it. looking forward to it.

and the results it'll bring.

and life. it's still had its moments.

at times, i still feel kind of shaky with things,

trying to find my ground again.

and at times, things feel larger than life again.

i haven't really talked about the past months at all.

that was my silence here.

but aside from all the changes that life had brought in the past year,

one of the final chapters of change

was losing a person that had been the centerpiece of my life

for the past almost seventeen years.

the centerpiece. in good ways. in bad ways.


i had made the decision to leave klaus last year in april.

it was a decision that took courage, was a few years in the making

just to take that final step.

due to various circumstances, we still lived together

until i moved out in march.

the last months, the last weeks before moving - those were tender.

each had gone their separate ways. lived apart from one another.


took on new experiences. changed. stood still. but not together.

there wasn't much said. we just cast our shadows in occassional hellos.

but after moving. friendship was regained.

we spoke alot. he helped me with things

as much as he could. and in his own way.

strangely, those were the things he never really did while we were together.


i used to say, i felt more alone with him, than if i really were on my own. alone.



i think there came a point when both of us took much forgranted.

we misunderstood things. between us. for us. because of us.


back in may, i flew out to dublin for a couple of days.

a small break before heading into the last leg of the project at work.

we spoke a couple of times while i was away,

we texted back and forth, had a few laughs.

but i also received a text message from his best friend,

telling me that he had just spent a couple of hours

talking on the phone with klaus.

something that could almost be called, girlie talk.

he told me that between every word and every line spoken,

klaus kept saying how much he missed me.

and when kuno asked him why he didn't just tell me,

he simply said

"i don't know. i don't want to lose her.

she's all that i have. and i just can't show her how much she means."

and when i flew back on a thursday morning,

kuno was at the airport to pick me and the girls up.

we talked about that phone call again.

i took it to heart, but in the same breath,

i shrugged and said

"those are the things he needed to tell me. to show me.

i don't think i can open up and take those words in right now.

i think it's too late now."

but as i drove home, i called him.

we simply talked about this. about that. talked about the dog.

he asked if i was going to come by later and i said i would.

he wasn't sure if he'd be home, wanted to go and play a round of golf.

now i can smile when i say this, but that was always yet another issue between us.

so i reckoned, there really wasn't any point in heading out to meissenheim

or to visit him afterall, if neither him or pup were going to be there.

i had an appointment in lahr, stopped to visit isabelle for a coffee afterwards,

and decided to drive home. but i was restless.

even isabelle had asked what was with me. why i was so tense.

and just before i was about to turn off on the autobahn,

i found myself driving straight on.

i tried calling him. he didn't answer. neither at home or on the mobile.

and when i pulled into the driveway, i found it strange that his car was there.

walked in, pup met me at the door.

we simply cuddled as we always did and then to go see klaus.

reckoned he'd be on the couch, as he always was.

and that is where i found him.

i thought he was sleeping. but i think at that instant i already knew.

i took a deep breath. and simply said his name again and again.

quietly. questioning. and with each time i said it,

i think i whispered a prayer saying "wake up. please. just wake up."

it's a moment that often plays in my mind.

again and again.

it felt like forever until the police and the ambulance came.

i don't think i gave up hoping and praying until the moment

when the doctor said, "there's nothing we can do"

and that's when it first really felt like a part of my world crumbled before me.

they had moved him to the floor, and i just layed there beside him

held him. spoke with him. cradled him.

i remember hoping that maybe he could still feel that, sense that

and know that he wasn't alone. not in that moment. not ever in a moment before.

his family came over. isabelle and petra came over as well.

and the girls took care of things for me. built a wall around me.

everything was numb. surreal.

much of the next days were a blur.

i don't know what i would have done without isabelle or petra or achim.

but what i'm thankful for,

is that things were good between us. we were at peace.

for all that was left unspoken, it was still all known.

just silently spoken.



so much is clear now these days.

and i still speak with him often.

sometimes i smile. and i'll admit,

sometimes i feel angry at him. for just leaving like that.

but i know he even understands those moments.

i can see him, the way he prolly just rolls his eyes and thinks

"oh, let her be. let angi just be angi. she'll get over it."

because that's the way it always was.


so klaus. this is for you.

i miss you. and i'm thankful for you.

with all the good. all the bad. all the smiles. all the tears.

and i'm doing okay. i'm finding my way back.

i realise, that all this had to be. this is part of the path

part of the treasure map as we walk our way thru life.

and i thank you for being my friend. for being my family.

my constant companion and

for being my centerpiece

all these years.

i hope you're doing okay too.


love.

me.

3 comments:

Marion said...

ang, i had no idea what has happened. no idea that this has happened. and it leaves me speechless and sad. and tears are runing down my cheeks. thinking of you.
marion.

Daisy said...

I'm sorry. I didn't know... I just thought you'd left.

Angi...

Reaching out for you. Loving you.

xxxx

susan said...

again angie,
hugs
s