on earth without maps.

I'm afraid I waste the light on the

paintings and on writing these words.

We die. We die rich with lovers and

tribes, tastes we have swallowed,

bodies we have entered and swum up

like rivers, fears we have hidden in

like this wretched cave.

I want all this marked on my body.

We are the real countries, not the

boundaries drawn on maps with the

names of powerful men.

I know you will come and carry me

out into the palace of winds, the rumors

of water. That's all I've wanted -

to walk in such a place with you,

with friends,

on earth without maps.

-Michael Ondaatje-

The English Patient

opening up.

i did it again. it's been a while since i've written.

and although the intention has been there.

things have just been busy with work.

the next catalogue is finished. friday it was all brought to the printer.

and i'm happy with it. looking forward to it.

and the results it'll bring.

and life. it's still had its moments.

at times, i still feel kind of shaky with things,

trying to find my ground again.

and at times, things feel larger than life again.

i haven't really talked about the past months at all.

that was my silence here.

but aside from all the changes that life had brought in the past year,

one of the final chapters of change

was losing a person that had been the centerpiece of my life

for the past almost seventeen years.

the centerpiece. in good ways. in bad ways.


i had made the decision to leave klaus last year in april.

it was a decision that took courage, was a few years in the making

just to take that final step.

due to various circumstances, we still lived together

until i moved out in march.

the last months, the last weeks before moving - those were tender.

each had gone their separate ways. lived apart from one another.

took on new experiences. changed. stood still. but not together.

there wasn't much said. we just cast our shadows in occassional hellos.

but after moving. friendship was regained.

we spoke alot. he helped me with things

as much as he could. and in his own way.

strangely, those were the things he never really did while we were together.

i used to say, i felt more alone with him, than if i really were on my own. alone.

i think there came a point when both of us took much forgranted.

we misunderstood things. between us. for us. because of us.


back in may, i flew out to dublin for a couple of days.

a small break before heading into the last leg of the project at work.

we spoke a couple of times while i was away,

we texted back and forth, had a few laughs.

but i also received a text message from his best friend,

telling me that he had just spent a couple of hours

talking on the phone with klaus.

something that could almost be called, girlie talk.

he told me that between every word and every line spoken,

klaus kept saying how much he missed me.

and when kuno asked him why he didn't just tell me,

he simply said

"i don't know. i don't want to lose her.

she's all that i have. and i just can't show her how much she means."

and when i flew back on a thursday morning,

kuno was at the airport to pick me and the girls up.

we talked about that phone call again.

i took it to heart, but in the same breath,

i shrugged and said

"those are the things he needed to tell me. to show me.

i don't think i can open up and take those words in right now.

i think it's too late now."

but as i drove home, i called him.

we simply talked about this. about that. talked about the dog.

he asked if i was going to come by later and i said i would.

he wasn't sure if he'd be home, wanted to go and play a round of golf.

now i can smile when i say this, but that was always yet another issue between us.

so i reckoned, there really wasn't any point in heading out to meissenheim

or to visit him afterall, if neither him or pup were going to be there.

i had an appointment in lahr, stopped to visit isabelle for a coffee afterwards,

and decided to drive home. but i was restless.

even isabelle had asked what was with me. why i was so tense.

and just before i was about to turn off on the autobahn,

i found myself driving straight on.

i tried calling him. he didn't answer. neither at home or on the mobile.

and when i pulled into the driveway, i found it strange that his car was there.

walked in, pup met me at the door.

we simply cuddled as we always did and then to go see klaus.

reckoned he'd be on the couch, as he always was.

and that is where i found him.

i thought he was sleeping. but i think at that instant i already knew.

i took a deep breath. and simply said his name again and again.

quietly. questioning. and with each time i said it,

i think i whispered a prayer saying "wake up. please. just wake up."

it's a moment that often plays in my mind.

again and again.

it felt like forever until the police and the ambulance came.

i don't think i gave up hoping and praying until the moment

when the doctor said, "there's nothing we can do"

and that's when it first really felt like a part of my world crumbled before me.

they had moved him to the floor, and i just layed there beside him

held him. spoke with him. cradled him.

i remember hoping that maybe he could still feel that, sense that

and know that he wasn't alone. not in that moment. not ever in a moment before.

his family came over. isabelle and petra came over as well.

and the girls took care of things for me. built a wall around me.

everything was numb. surreal.

much of the next days were a blur.

i don't know what i would have done without isabelle or petra or achim.

but what i'm thankful for,

is that things were good between us. we were at peace.

for all that was left unspoken, it was still all known.

just silently spoken.

so much is clear now these days.

and i still speak with him often.

sometimes i smile. and i'll admit,

sometimes i feel angry at him. for just leaving like that.

but i know he even understands those moments.

i can see him, the way he prolly just rolls his eyes and thinks

"oh, let her be. let angi just be angi. she'll get over it."

because that's the way it always was.


so klaus. this is for you.

i miss you. and i'm thankful for you.

with all the good. all the bad. all the smiles. all the tears.

and i'm doing okay. i'm finding my way back.

i realise, that all this had to be. this is part of the path

part of the treasure map as we walk our way thru life.

and i thank you for being my friend. for being my family.

my constant companion and

for being my centerpiece

all these years.

i hope you're doing okay too.


love.

me.

the apartment. these days

sunday morning roses. picked fresh.

glimpse of the dining room.

took the camera in the hand today.

inspired by tamara i suppose. and taking my own first photos

of my apartment. since moving in.

simply fragments. glimpses. fractions.

because that's how this home is evolving.

bit by bit.

a new start. a new chapter.

and those are the things i have yet to write about.

the original intentions of visiting here today.

but for now,

i'll simply share this. in fractions.

reflections. mirrored reflections.

in the dining room.

the bathroom.

of orchids. white towels. and mirrors.


some of my most favourite things.

a coffee bowl turned vase for summer flowers.

porcellan from angela johe and margitta hildebrand


a glimpse of the living room.

the tiled oven and fireplace.

more living room glimpses.

my baroque mirrors. my cherub candleholder.

a treasure brought back from amsterdam. in march.

the balcony.

and my first clematis that i planted. and it grew.

it's almost symbolic for me in a way.

an old birdcage, found at a flea market

and below a garden of green. lush summer green.

up the stairs and enter the bedroom.

there's a precious sensation

each and everytime i walk these stairs.

it's of space. of light. of intimacy.

and at night, lying in bed, gazing out the window beside the bed

let's me wish upon the stars and sleeping satellites...

yes, that little pink bird on the nighttable

keeps her watchful eye on me.

made by the one and only and ever so lovely alicia paulson

from posie - rosy little things.

fresh roses picked on a sunday morning

little tealights that flicker each night.

my bed is something special to me.

for stories told. maybe even stories to be told.

[said with a wink of the eye. and a smile on the face.]

i first spoke of her here

and then again here.

and to this day, i think she's become my centerpiece.

in a personal way.

a symbolic way.

and just a few of the books

that are being read. in fragments and fractions as well.

inspirations. stories. memories. hopes. dreams.

writing. reading. absorbing.

we all have something to say.

tamara and me...

i came here tonight to write. to catch up. to say hello.

and i don't know, but i just wasn't finding the words.

and then i started to read the words. tamara's words.

went by to visit the girl. was missing her

and thinking that it was just a week ago

that her and konrad were here.

the first time that we'd actually met,

but without really knowing how to say it,

the most familiar face and friend.

it's as though tamara has always been

right here along side me. a part of me.

a companion thru the heart of it all.


she was already at my place when i got home from work

and walking thru my own doors

right up to her to hug and say hello

was as though that moment had been a thousand times

and never ever before.

but reading her blog and words tonight,

it all just came back. as though it were here. now.

and there was a smile on the face,

as there was a tear in the eye.

okay tam, still can't get over all the apartment piccies.

my god, the place is honestly still empty!

in a literal sense.

and that's not about not being content

but literally (time for justification)

of starting all over again. with the bits. the pieces.

boxes are still spilled all over the place

waiting to find a place to crawl themselves into. under.

no lamps hanging from the ceiling yet. nor pictures on the wall.

but they'll come. with time.

and i think the most important thing that fills a home

are the memories. like those that we created. together.

it's the friends (and the lovers) that share the walls

fill the space and breath the air.

and having you here. the both of you.

it inspired. and it changed things.

and brought so much back to life for me again.

so much that had frozen itself over the past months.

and i can't thank you enough for that sweetie.

i honestly can't.

so maybe the only real words i'm able to find tonight

are those saying to you

how special and wonderful you are.

how much i adore you

and how grateful that i am,

that there's you in my life.

heart. soul. friend.

i love you tam. and i thank you!

tamara, isabelle and me...

and photos by the one, the only...

konrad!

hello. again.

i'll be back soon. i promise.

there is much to share. much to say.

much to open up. spill out.

about the past months.

the change. transition.

about loss. about falling down.

and about standing back up again.


i wanted to write a long letter tonight.

but at the moment,

just saying hello feels about right.



hello.

the red carpet.

this was probably one of the most chaotic weeks

of all the past chaotic weeks i've had.

between trying to keep caught up with work

and then organising things for the move

everything felt like it was a test to see

just how strong one can be.

and then all the things the heart is feeling

deep inside.

but susanne asked me on tuesday

if i wanted to join her at the Radio Regenbogen Media Awards

for friday night.

mostly german performers, musicians and such

with a few international personalities.

i had no idea what to expect and although

i usually don't listen to that radio station

[i felt like i was cheating on my heart

and that man and voice on the radio

that i'm so dearly missing]

her gentle persuasion and the need to do something good

in the sense of taking a break and some time out

was enough to say yes.


and there was a point and time on friday,

that i wondered how i was even going to get thru the day.

it was just one of those days.

but then driving up to the awards and the red carpet,

the valets giving a hand to escort you out of the car

and lead you to that moment.

what a blur. i can't explain.

even being a "nobody" in that sense,

you can see the people looking, watching

and cameras focused on you.

and you revel in the moment,

absorb it. but it remains a blur.

i just found the photo on the website

and hope that some of our photos from the night

that susanne took, are just a bit more flattering

than this.

the small personal highlights of the evening

aside from the awards and the ambience?

bianca jagger's speech and then speaking with her

after the awards. about her work and her dreams.

i have to say, i wasn't aware of just how much she really does

and the passion and determination behind this lady.

there's a respect and a fascination discovered

and i felt honoured to have met her. spoken with her.


later on, susanne and i needed to finally grab a bite to eat.

and a chance to sit down again.

the feet were definitely feeling the new shoes.

and i suppose at times, i refuse to learn. when it comes to shoes.

we grabbed a few seats and then i realised

that i was sitting beside oliver pocher.

a german self proclaimed "b celebrity" so to speak.

a comedien that definitely shoots below the belt.

and i just kept asking myself, of all people

why am i sitting beside him?

granted. he can be funny. and did receive an award that evening.


but better sweetness was having annett louisan at the table as well.

a german singer, that has a playfully sweet nuance of chansons

in her songs. and her voice.

we got to talking as well

and i'm to send her some of the fleurs.

would be sweet to see her wearing them one day.


and then later on, as susanne and i were heading on out,

there was simon webbe.

we somehow got to talking as well.

and after a photo and and the small talk,

there was a sweet hug and a kiss as well.

and so do i admit, that suddenly the aching feet

felt like they were walking and dancing on a cloud.

i should have gone back in for a drink with him,

but i walked away with a smile instead.

and said good night to the night...

walking over the red carpet again.


so i guess it just shows.

that at times, life brings unexpected moments. surprises.

so maybe it's about being patient. curious.

and taking things as they come.



photo from Radio Regenbogen

sunday are simply beautifully wonderful days.

i wrote myself a to do list for the weekend.

i can't say that i got most of it done

however, there's still the sense of accomplishment.

small steps forward.

a few boxes are packed

and endless bags that have found their way to the garbage

or to the red cross donation bins.

i'm trying to be consequent in what i take,

what i leave behind.

and what i let go.

and today was something glorious

in its own way.

from the first step i took outside this morning with pup

you could feel that spring was in the air.

early morning sun that felt warm on the skin already.

i just grabbed a cup of coffee and we simply walked down the path.

i was trying to put mind over matter with the heart

in particular chapters of life.

so it almost felt like there was a constant companion

on the mind.

at home, starting to work on a corner here

and then a corner there.

can't really say organisation was the name of the game.

i managed to get one box packed.

just of little things. precious things.

angels and teacup little things.

and then i called simone,

reckoning it's too beautiful of a day

not to go for coffee and simply sit outside at the bistro.

so we did.

and then we came back

and started painting the old beds i bought last summer.

they had been dismantled in the garage since then.

at first i was doubting

if it was going to work out as i had hoped to imagine.

but as soon as we had the first coat of paint up

things were taking form.

petra came by as well,

and then it was the three of us.

the beds and a small table for the bathroom

were the accomplishments of our afternoon.

the bed will need a third coat

and then i have to find the angel mouldings that i want

for each of the headboards of the bed.

but the sweet discovery of the day

was find the engravement of the year

in which the bed was built.

in 1889.

and that made me smile

because it's exactly one hundred years

before i found my way to germany

in 1989.

and i can't believe it's been that long already.

other things that made me smile today?

seeing my first butterfly of spring

watching the pup snooze in the sun

having the girls simply being there for me

hearing from the one that is the matters of the heart

driving with the sun roof open for the first time in the mini

knowing i have the day off tomorrow...

sometimes. sundays are simply beautifully wonderful days.

wednesday...

is it wednesday? already? again?

feeling really tired tonight.

and in more than one way.

between work. the move.

everything is just a bit overwhelming at the moment.

good. but overwhelming.


and i think i'm going to find my way to bed.

i managed to pack for munich

and we won't be leaving as early as hoped

so that means a couple of hours in the office first

and able to take care of a few more things.

it promises to be another long day,

and i really do believe i'll be so happy

when we're back at the hotel

having dinner. relaxing. and hopefully a glass of wine.


i still have to call caro. and ruth.

and of course hope to meet with andrea.

as well as the galerie.

the days and the evenings will fly by.


and then next week,

i hope and i reckon there'll be lots in the office

and then having to get things in place with the move.

financially. technically. physically.

and i believe emotionally as well.


and it's days like this,

when everything really is so overwhelming

and we just don't know how we're going to get it all done

but there's magic in that

because somehow

we always do manage.


anyhow. this is me. saying good night wednesday.

all things are good.

photo for omondieu! by helena kvarnström

closing off the day.

feeling accomplished. and not so accomplished.

didn't get home from work

and then from a meeting with my landlady

until about nine thirty this evening.


i had initially planned on finishing off things for galit

but i also needed to prep some things

that need to find their way to munich with me

later on this week.


i had a sweet order that i took care of after i checked emails

i love it when i can send the fleurs on their journeys

and that's one of the things i've been doing this year,

is making a map of all the places that the fleurs

find their way to.

it feels like planting seeds of magic.

and i just want to watch this garden grow.

but at times, and especially these times,

it's frustrating.

simply because the ideas, the inspirations surround me,

but it's the time that just feels like the battle at the moment.


anyhow.

i managed to fill another garbage bag of things.

and it still doesn't feel like there's a difference to be seen.

i'm trying to be more and more consequent

in what i keep. in what i let go of.

and sometimes i think that this materialistic purging,

is a symbol for an emotional purging.

kind of like an emotional feng shui of sorts.


what i really need is a week at home

just to organise things, sort thru corners.

finally get things up on ebay.

get things filed. of course while enjoying a cup of coffee.

then i need about two or three saturdays of flea markets.

and then a week, just to focus on the office and piles of paperwork.

and more than anything

i need a week off. of nothing.

but i'm saving that until i'm in the new place.

and then of course. a holiday. travel.

where would i go today?

i'd like to think of bretagne. or the tuscany.

maybe a week of greece.

i honestly can't say.

and i know, that i really need a visit home too.

with mom and dad.


but that reminds me of something

that put a smile on my face today.

reading dana's email

and her plans of coming over for a week

in april.


and i'm also looking forward to amsterdam

at the end of march.

even if just a weekend. and a bit of work.

but god it's a beautiful city.

and susan. yes, there'll be photos. i promise.

cross my heart [but hope not to die]


but right now

i think that sleep and bed should be my contemplation.

a glass of red wine beside me

and the hope and promise of energy for tomorrow.

there's a meeting that's going to be draining tomorrow

and i feel like we're behind on everything at work

yet it's going good. the response. the energy it creates.

but the "to do list" is a damn big one.

then back to the apartment again,

hopefully with a few things

that i'll load into the car in the morning.

it won't be much. but simply a few small things.


and then it'll be late again once i'm home

but tomorrow's priority is galit

and then packing

and prepping the rest of omondieu!


i just keep reminding myself

all will be good.

and all is good.


good night.

saying good night.

just back from frankfurt. and the ambiente trade fair.

spent the day there with my boss' wife, whom i absolutely adore.

we ended up taking the train from karlsruhe to frankfurt,

so once we arrived back,

we reckoned a bit of shopping could be added to the agenda.

and at the moment. i should be buying and looking for furniture and things,

rather than a new outfit to wear at the inhorgenta trade fair next week.

but we all know what happens, when birds of a feather flock together.

temptation got the better of me.

we finished off the evening with some sushi

and then some blooming teas.

i had wild lover. said to be the pisces tea.

she had oriental beauty. said to be the libra's tea.

finding "my cup of tea" and their zodiacbloom! however,

i should have been drinking the angel of lotus.

and she the charming lover.

sagittarius and capricorn respectively.

and i've absolutely fallen in love with these.

so beautiful to watch the tea steep and literally blossom

in a glass teapot.

i think it could become my evening ritual.

simply watching it bloom. come to life.

and even omondieu! had it's sweet moments today.

i had a phone call from munich,

so i'm to bring a few things along with me.

an array of shirts and fleurs.

damn.

there are so many ideas and inspirations in my mind these days.

it's just battling the time to keep up with them.

there's a bit of a vision i gave myself this year,

the dreamer i am. the realist i am.

true to the sagittarian i am.

but i just want to spread a bit more of the magic. and this vision.

andrea and i applied for the modepalast in vienna last night.

an expo event that i think could be interesting for omondieu!

but also the perfect excuse, to finally visit vienna.

and have a fabulous long weekend. of work and play.

fingers crossed that we get accepted thru the jury.

elisabeth has already applied. so fingers crossed for her as well.

but it is time. it's always time.

and i know i'll find the way to create the time.

anyhow. tomorrow promises to be a long day at the office.

a phone call with galit in the evening,

as we weave our way thru more and more ideas as well.

and plans for getting myself to amsterdam in march

to fulfill these ideas.

march is already promising, to be a month of madness.

good madness.

so i better get myself to bed. to sleep. to sweet dreams.

and simply say good night to today.

[photo taken in paris. in october.

and i find myself thinking of him.

and yes. missing him.]

the first piece...

first i don't write for what feels like months.

and then i overwhelm myself with three writings in one day.

but after a relatively, lesser productive sunday than planned,

i just bid on an auction on ebay.

and may i introduce, the first piece of furniture i just bought

for the new place.

at least the first official piece of furniture i've bought,

since i know how and where my new place is?

i'm not sure if this dresser is going to be in the bedroom,

or in the hallway or in the bathroom.

but i simply know that she had to be.

almost as though she was calling my name.

and that simply made me happy tonight.

now back to sorting thru one more pile of paper,

after the two garbage bins of paper i've just thrown out.

it still doesn't look like it's any less.

i'll just keep reminding myself, that each little bit

is eventually going to make a difference.

i might not see it today. or i might not see it tomorrow.

but i'll see the difference yet.

until then...

loves. much loves.

snapshots

and just a few random photos...

of the past weeks.

snapshots. here and there.

the walls and space that are soon to be my new home.

the kitchen. the dining room.

but it'll be a bit of my office room as well. i think.

i see the kitchen table.

and can see myself working there as well.

there's comfort and serentity sitting around

kitchen tables.

the living room.

with an old tiled stove.

we reckon this one is over a hundred years old as well.

the dining room again.

i love the way the light falls in thru the windows.

and outside, a cherry tree.

spring promises to be something beautiful.

and in bloom.


i believe this is what made me fall in love with the apartment

the balcony.

imagining sitting outside on summer evenings.

even on rainy days.

quiet. a glass of wine.

conversation with friends. or even just silence.


sabine and me in münchen.

at the hotel.

after a long day.


isabelle and micha

just as we were getting ready to head out

ended up being a perfect evening.

showing off omondieu!

dancing

and then coming home and sitting around the fire

outside. on a january evening.



isabelle and me

and yes, just about to head out the door.



caro and the kids.

the weekend in starnberg.

friends. and a most wonderfully beautiful family.

february sundays.

question of the day...

is it really already february?

i keep asking myself these days, where time has gone.

and it feels, like i've been asking myself this question

over days. weeks. months.


in one sense, so much has happened.

and yet, it almost feels as though so much is standing still.

pivoting. rotating. turning. yet standing still.


this is one of the first weekends since december

that i have taken off.

a few weekends ago, i found my way to starnberg

to visit with friends.

the weekend after that, i was at the trade fair in munich.

work has been keeping me busy. maybe more than busy.

leaving the house at around seven in the morning

not getting back until maybe nine or ten in the evening.

and occassionally detouring on the way home

to grab a coffee or a glass of wine with a friend

and simply enjoy the good and the sweet moments in life.


and with all the hustle and bustle of the job,

i'm so forever enjoying it.

seeing how things are unfolding, falling into place.

the cataloge is finished and the first responses from the fair

were all that we had hoped for.

now it's just putting all the other things together,

finishing off the data banks,

the pps system,

bringing the orders on home,

and starting with the next cataloge. already. again.


and i'm filling myself with visions.

of all that this can become and all the things it can lead to.

not just with the new company,

but i find it inspiring and rejuvenating omondieu! as well.

it's just a matter of the time, organisation, endurance, determination

to bring all the ideas together.


but what makes it so much easier,

is having a boss that also sees the visions,

lives and feels the visions.

it's like a mutual language is spoken.

and then, also the team that is a part of this.

smiles, because this is the team behind the project in these photos.

we took these in december

and i've been meaning to post them for a while.

i guess that simply goes to show how far behind on

how much of things in life i am.


i do miss the days that i can simply spend with a cup of coffee,

catch up on blogs,

take the pup out for an afternoon walk,

or head out with the camera and photograph.

but yet, my days at the moment bring other rewards with themselves.


and for that i am thankful.


other new things in life?

the ultimate surprise as my boss came up to me on a monday morning

saying he saw a car and it the first thought that came to mind,

was that it was the perfect colour for our company colours,

and he immediately saw me sitting in the car.

i didn't honestly think that we were ready to contemplate a company car for me

and i considered it just an idea that would disappear as quickly as it arrived.

but the next day, he called me down to the garage,

i hadn't connected the dots as i headed down the steps,

and all the more surprise when i saw a golden mini cooper standing there

and a smile on his face.

we took her for a test drive and i still thought okay, it's just a contemplation.

and patience is always a virtue [reminder to the self]

i had a meeting afterwards and when i came back,

he smiled again, looked at me and said he bought the car.


and the joke these days,

is that we chose the car, to match my phone

of course, once i saw the new dolce & gabbana motorola,

i was in love. and had to have it.

and that was already the joke,

because my boss had already bought the golden baroque chair

because it was also a reflection of my style, of the company

and yes, our colours.

of warm golds.


so the long drive to work at the moment is simply all the more fun,

i play with the navigation system and take myself to far away places

on the drive to work in the morning.

either 65, rue de charonne

that would take me to my favourite café in paris

the tribeca.

or i dream myself away do lago di como.

where would you like to go today?


and this week, i finally said yes to a new apartment.

it's so different than i had imagined it to be.

but there was something about it that simply felt like home.


so the next weeks will be busy with not just work,

but also packing boxes, more purging, looking for furniture

and simply getting ready to move.

hello baden-baden...

here i come.


it's a most charming house.

about a hundred years old.

the landlady has just completed renovated the house,

but there are so many little details, accents

that keep make this house something special.

all the astrological signs are painted and engraved on the ceiling

of the hallway of the house.

the garden that is absolutely huge.

and although in a part of the city, that i normally would never have

thought of moving to,

because it's one apartment block after the other,

the trees in the garden are like a secret wall,

and sitting under the most beautiful balcony, that's all you see.

and then the church is close by,

and one of the things i love most about being here in germany,

are hearing the church bells when they ring and welcome each hour.


and that's what i think i'm going to do today.

sunday. and maybe pack the one or other box.

do more purging.

and maybe drive out to the apartment

sit in her empty walls and simply start envisioning

how things will be.


i'll be starting new with this apartment

so from the couch to the kitchen table,

these are all the things i'll be needing to find.

and there isn't much time to wander from store to store

and i reckon, i'll simply have to take my time

looking for the perfect this and the perfect that.

oh, trying to remind myself again

that yes, patience is a virtue.

damn, that's a hard thing to do.


but i simply guess, that for all the change that has been in life,

there's simply more change to follow.

and it's always the one step that leads to the next.


maybe it's just time to walk forward

with open arms

and embrace all that is yet unknown,

and all that is to come.


and i make a wish.

love. simpy love.

i can't believe that another year has come.

and gone.

today, i need to take time to sit down with a quiet moment,

reflect on what the past year has been. what it has brought.

but also on my wishes for the new year.

not so much resolutions. but wishes. hopes. dreams.


and just drinking sunday morning coffee,

i stumbled across these words. a quote.

from mother teresa.

and i think it says it all. beautifully. and honestly.


i have found the paradox,

that if you love until it hurts,

there can be no more hurt,

only more love.

- mother teresa -


and maybe that's one of my wishes for the new year.

love. simply love.



[photograph found once upon a time

at a flea market.

a moment in a strangers life.

forgotten and found again.]

words. written on the heart.

i have been wanting to write. and write.

and not finding the words. or finding the time.

maybe it's better said,

of not speaking the words. or taking the time.


but i just read thru my mails from yesterday

and finding carrie & danielle's always lovely friday focus.

it inspired me. deeply.

even if i just find a few words to whisper right here and now.

and the first words that came to mind?


lightness. gratitude. clarity.

beauty. elegance. femininity.

abundance. passion. love. wealth.

respect. courage. discover. decision.

determination. faith. belief. wisdom.

radiance. honesty.


which are the words that you need written on the heart?

sunday eclipses...

there's much i want to say. to share.

but it's hard finding the words

as i'm trying to place them in a language

spoken between the mind. and the heart.

seeking translations. and understandings.

bitter and sweet it is.


words that dance in the mind?

hope. doubt.

and hope again.

love. passion. yearning. missing.

desire. hurt. confusion. clarity.

spoken. unspoken.

fragile. strong. enduring.

waiting. patience. impatience.

and i need the word hope again.



which words speak your language today?



and in the midsts of all of this,

just a few eclipses of sunday

and of isabelle and i.

simply being the girls, the dear friends we are.

packing pieces of china.

hello.

it's been a while. again.


in the one breath, there's so much to say.

and in the next breath, there's not much to say at all.

things are turning in circles.

much like a merry go round.

there is motion

moments of happy glee,

yet the feet don't feel like they are on the ground.


but for now,

just a short update.

work is keeping me busy.

and it's usually late late night until i find my way home.

whatever few hours of the day that i have had for myself,

i spend with friends over a coffee or a glass of wine.


and i still haven't found the home i'm looking for.

have checked out a few more apartments

and some have proven nice.

but there hasn't been one that left me saying,

this is it. this is home. this is where i am.


so i'll continue looking. waiting. hoping.

much like with other things in life.


and when you're the queen of impatience as i am,

the waiting isn't always an easy game.


tonight was one of the first evenings in a long while

that i actually spent at home.

put together some shirts that i hope to drop off at a store tomorrow

took care of a few random emails.

and i don't dare confess how behind i am on those.

and i packed a box.

of old dishes and china. from klaus' mother.

there's not much i'm taking with me from here,

and yet i have the longing and the need to take these

as the remnants of what i'm leaving behind.

maybe in a sense,

because these don't symbolise anything between us.

rather i simply think they're pretty. the vintage.

soft flowers and traces of gold.

numbers stamped on the back of the plates.

but just packing the box

was a symbolism for myself.

and just where i am these days.

learning to focus. learning to let go.

learning to welcome all the new.

and yes, sometimes that means,

packing pieces of old china.

as fragile and precious as they are.


love,

me.

opening new doors.

made a phone call yesterday

regarding an apartment in offenburg.

four rooms in an old house.

although i fear it's not the art nouveau style i'm hoping for.

first floor and two balconies.


of all the phone calls i made yesterday,

this call left the best gut instinct with me.

the gentleman sounded friendly, polite.

no frills or fuss.


and today he called saying he would be in offenburg

and if i like, i can come to view the apartment.

i have my fingers crossed.


offenburg is just down the road from here,

so that still means one hundred kilometers to work

one way.


there's yet another apartment i want to view

however i have to send a letter to a cipher number

to meet the selection.

that one would be in baden-baden

that would be exactly half the distance i travel now

so close enough to work

and still close enough to here

where my friends and hence family are.


i've manifested my list of what i want my new home to be.

and that's what i'm hoping for

is simply to walk into doors

and know this is what i've been looking for

waiting for.


i have my fingers and my heart crossed.

the weeks. the days.

hello. it has been a while.

hasn't it?

i wouldn't even know where to begin,

tracing steps back over the past weeks.

it's been a dance, a symphony,

and at times, bitter and sweet.


work has been keeping me busy.

things are taking more and more of format

in being able to see the big picture

of how things should be. could be.


and maybe that's me speaking

professionally and personally.


there have been so many times,

i've written words in this space,

even if simply in the mind.

moments and stories that i've wanted to share.

the words just not finding their way,

carved into the black and white of keyboard writings.


today was finally a day spent at home,

a bit overwhelming to be honest.

trying to tackle projects and work,

paper piles of work.

trying to tackle boxes of things to be purged

and things to be packed

for the new apartment yet to be found.

i haven't even been able to find the space

in time for that project of mine.

and may i confess, leaving me restless as well.


but there were also conversations on the phone today,

conversations with dear friends

and those are moments that mean much too.

elisabeth and susan and isabelle

and receiving sweet messages and not receiving sweet messages.

the constant game of waiting

or taking one step in to take one step back.


last weekend i made my way to paris.

a weekend on my own with time to think,

wonder and ponder,

sit in cafés and watch life dance by.

there's a beauty and a mystery and a secret in that city.

it can leave you feeling so inspired

larger than life

and yet so small and humble.

it's a city that lets you dream

makes you wish and leaves you yearning.


and there were times i was sitting there,

and then realising it's like a dream come true.

regardless how often i've visited

and for all the times i hope to visit again.

but once upon a time,

i was a little girl that dreamt of this city,

and never would have imagined the days,

that i simply find myself in her cascade,

simply because there's a lull of the heart

as though calling my name.


the past week of work had me back in paris again.

if just for the day.

wednesday was wiesbaden

and thursday was meant to be wiesbaden as well

however driving back wednesday evening,

simply because i knew i more than needed that day at the office,

and friday had me up at two thirty am

on my way to stuttgart to grab a flight at four am

on the plane at seven am just to say bon jour again.

with work taken care of, there was time to grab the metro

and find myself back at the eifel tower

simply because i need to absorb her,

each and every time.

and it was almost as though,

i kept hoping that someone could feel that moment too,

know i was there,

making a wish, thinking a thought.

grabbed myself a coffee and headed back to the airport,

convinced again to miss the flight.

and it was close, it would have been damn close,

and for the second time in my life,

i was so relieved to see the words "delayed".

life has a strange way of showing she's on your side at times.


and as i'm saying good night to sunday

making my own wishes for the week before,

trying to manifest, envision and see with clarity

and all the good faith that things will get done,

and beautifully find their way of unfolding,

it's like saying good morning

to a brand new day.

love. passion. yearning. courage.

love. passion. yearning. courage.

maybe the words of the weekend.

and for that i can thank my friends

for being a part of all that

and bringing these words back into my life.


i have been meaning to write for the past few weeks.

there's been motion in life

and nothing feels like it's standing still.

and as the saying goes,

the only constant in life is change itself.


the weekend was filled with each and every emotion

of highs and lows.

mostly of highs.

friday night and going out with the girls

dancing into the early wee hours of the morning.

after a few hours of sleep,

isabelle and sabine and myself heading out to freiburg.

just wandering thru the cobblestone streets

having coffee here and there

and then meeting with elisabeth for more coffee here and there.


it was a weekend of hearing a voice for the first time

and yet knowing it's an ever spoken familiar voice.

it was a weekend of waiting to hear from a voice

and feeling the pain in not hearing it.

maybe that's the yearning itself.

and it was about showing the courage,

to reach out to voices. the new and the old.


sunday had me and elisabeth in mannheim and in heidelberg.

out shopping for fabric at a market in mannheim

and then stopping off to catch the designers' exhibit in heidelberg.


angela johe was exhibiting there as well

and i haven't seen her in much too long.

she has always been one of my favourite porcelain artists

and i had her work as a constant exhibit in my gallery

back in earlier days.

there's a small but growing collection of her work in my home.

and it was so good seeing her again,

because angela has this presence that can simply captivate a room.

there's something gentle, however radiating.

calm, inspiring and yet exhilirating about her. sensual.


we took a few moments getting caught up with hellos

and the travels and moments that life has been bringing our way.

losing myself in her new work and designs,

and her showing me the new [coffee] bowls.

angela smiled, looked at me and said

"these are exactly where you are"


the coffee bolds that had the simple words

liebe. leidenschaft. sehnsucht. mut.

written one by one on each of the bowls.

and i knew they had to be

something like a gift to the self.


and as i sit here,

writing and thinking, maybe speaking a little hope,

i'm sipping and stirring my coffee

from a bowl

that has the little message of courage

written inside.

reminding me that life is always about exactly this.

the love. the passion. the yearning. the courage.